Nellie1,<P>I too don't trust my judgement about other people. The worst part about divorce is the loss of innocence, both for the person left behind and for the children. Read what I said below. Even though I was the one who cheated, and may not be qualified to give you advice on this... Do you think you could have lived with your H's behavior forever? What would it have taken for you to leave? Maybe after the kids had grown up, it would have been easier but how much longer would that have been? How many more years would you have been willing to waste with a person who obviously had no respect for you or your children? If you are like me, you probably regret wasting a single day with him. I regret that I wasted 8 yrs. But it was only 8 yrs. I have a chance to have a better life now, and so do you. Every day you remain mad at him, is another day he sucks away from you. You are so strong! He is not WORTH your anger! I had let myself get SO LOW, and believed my ex's criticism of me for so long, that I let myself succumb to infidelity. Nobody will ever treat me like that again. Never will I get so low that I do something so destructive ever again. <P>Inshock,<BR>I too miss that happy smiling person I used to be. I know that I will be that person again someday though. In retrospect, I was my happiest and strongest before husbands one and two came into my life. That is why I know I will never be re-married. When I married, my emotional health became tied to another person, for life IMO. I will never do that again. At least if I decide to have a so-called committed non marital relationship, there is no pretext about "forever". The fact that divorces are so easy make forever a very, very unlikely event, infidelity or not. Marriage does not guarantee a single thing, and therefore is pointless to me. Especially considering that we have so many other options beside marriage (living together, celibacy, etc.)<P>I respect that you did not give your H a second chance. In a way, I'm glad he left. I think people have affairs when they are too chicken to leave. That is probably true in my case. I could not have stayed in the marriage I was in indefinately. I would have either killed myself or gotten a divorce eventually. My H was incapable of change, as everything was always my fault. He admitted to me that he couldn't change. That is ok. I don't have to live with him anymore.

Well it seems we are all on the same page as far as what we are missing and don't miss. Yes, I too, would probably stayed in my marriage forever. But then I loved my H, my marriage, my life. He did take the coward's way out by having an affair. He could have come to me and said I am not happy, you are not fulfilling my emotional needs, there is something missing and I could go on and on.<P>But what have we all gained by this? I have made some new, wonderful friends over the past year. I know they would not be in my life now if this would not have happened. <P>I may not be where I want to be today. But I know I am heading in the right direction, as slow and painful as it seems some days.<P>I am in the midst of my divorce now and he is pulling some ****ty things on me, just to show he is still in control and throw everything in my face. But I know this too shall pass.<P>I really never thought I would be a statistic of divorce. And I think sometimes I get too hung on on statistics and thinking I can never be happy again. If he was my sole reason for happiness, then I guess in the end I never had anything anyway. And that's where I will draw the line.<P>This is my life too, my happiness too and until I can become myself and be happy with that, then he still controls part of my life.<P>I am reading a good book called "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It is not about divorce or relationships, but in dealing with other people and living your life as you choose. It shows you how to stop being the victim in all aspects of everyday life and to take charge of your destiny. I highly recommend it.<P>So anyway turning the tables a little and back to my question, what have we are gained through this?

TheStudent,<P>I do not think I would ever have left my H. I loved him, and I still love him. He knew long before we married that I did not believe in divorce under any circumstances except abuse, and he probably knew that I would never leave - no matter how miserable he made me. My children will not be grown for many, many years - I will be ready to retire, and my H will probably have already retired, before the youngest finishes college.<P>I have gained nothing from this. I have found out that no one is to be trusted, and that most people really don't care all that much what happens to their friends. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times friends have called me to see how I was doing since he left, though they don't seem reluctant to talk if I call them. <P>I will be alone forever, except for my kids (and I realize that that is a big exception), I will be poor forever, and I have pretty much wasted my entire life.

Nellie1,<P>Wow. You sound just like I did a month or so ago. <P>Most of my friends live a long ways away, and would have to call long distance. When I would call them, they would talk to me as long as I needed, but they would rarely call me too. Fact is, as much as your friends may care for you (and I'm SURE THEY DO), they have their own lives and own problems to deal with. This is why I go to a therapist. She is paid to listen to me gripe!! I'm sure my friends would now quite sick of it! <P>There are lots of therapists who can take you on a sliding scale payment method, especially seeing how you've got six kids to take care of. <P>Your life is not wasted. People would tell me the same thing, and I'd say "Yea RIGHT". You'll believe it when you are ready. Do you know how lucky you are to have those kids? I have no kids, no man, nothin' but my doggies and my cat and a bunch of fancy diplomas on the wall. Those diplomas are nice, but they can't give me a hug or say "mommy, I love you". My doggies are cool too. They give me lots of dog kisses :-) and like to snuggle in bed in the morning. Here is something funny...<P>Why dogs are better than a man<P>1. They eat the same food every day, it comes out of a bag, and no cooking is required.<P>2. They are always happy to see you.<P>3. They don't stop kissing you till you want them to.<P>4. You can tell them to "stay" and they actually listen.<P>5. They don't wear clothes, so no laundry.<P>6. You can have them "fixed" if you want to to keep them from chasing *itches.<P>7. They'll do almost anything you ask for a piece of Pup-a-roni.<P>ok, guys, just to be fair....<P>Why dogs are better than women:<P>1. They don't wear makeup or do their hair so it doesn't take them an hour to leave the house in the morning.<P>2. They never ask you "am I fat"?<P>3. You can have them "fixed" if you want to so that they never have PMS.<P>4. You can train them to fetch a beer.<P>5. Corollary to #2, they never force you to go shopping with them.<P>6. Same as #3, above.<P>7. Same as #7, above.

Student,<P>After infidel h#1 I never got my happy, carefree face back again. It's sad .... I miss her. But, then again she was fresh out of school and 25 and all the wonder lay ahead. ::Sigh::<P>I don't fool myself in my current marriage, I hope it's forever, but maybe not. I am following the MB principles with this marriage and I also decided to marry based strongly on Harley's articles about living together before marriage. I guess at round three I'm much more realistic.<P>As for h#2 being a chicken or why he had his affair, I think I put like 10 days into giving a poop. I know what wasting time with infidelity is about, been there, did that with h#1. And I am very glad he left too!! <BR>If you'll recall, he became terribly obese at over 400 pounds and I was grossd out by him and was refusing to help him in the bathroom. <BR>He has tons of money, so let the OW wipe his butt.<P>I know we discussed this ages ago but, I think it was wrong for your H to recover from your infidelity at your expense. How cowardly not to leave you until he was good and ready.<P>Now, you can see the hump that Nellie needs to get over and I hope you too get over a hump and realize you're worthy of a decent man, who will love you as you deserve to be loved.(You'll believe that when you're ready!) <P>When we allow a man to be our "everything" we are then nothing ourselves.