Read your post on Tyra's thread.<P>When we first separated (I threw H out the 2nd time -he wanted ow for pleasure and me for respectability to do his bidding!A longer version on Sheba's thread) I was expected to put my life on hold and accomodate all and everything in terms of the kids (never mind my own needs and wants)<P>I tried to get him to understand, as did the marriage counsellor that there was a management issue in terms of him seeing the kids and I was not "controlling whether they could or could not see him. I had a calendar with everyones arrangements etc on it and he did not know or care what anyone did, When he wanted to see them they had to be available.<P>He decided to be a in his own words a "free spirit, not controlled by time and schedule!" (he runs a financial institution no less and wants to be a free spirit!) so was making plans to take the kids when he was bored or had nothing else to do, and they were expected to drop everything and run, which they did and made me crazy. I prepared dinner or planned an activity with them and then was told I am going out with dad (and not all kids at the same time which has persisted to this day!)<P>Since he did not understand not only was this INCONSIDERATE to me, it was making all kids, but especially d crazy as they never knew when they would see him again. <P>Therefore my lawyer and I worked out the visitation and presented it to his lawyer. He threatened that he wanted the kids to live with him (LOL) etc. and then convinced the court that they had to visit seperately etc! But our basic plan remained as was originally put in writing.<P>So for your children's sake put visitation in writing and do not allow your X to control when she can see the kids. If she does not take them on her visitation time , she should not be able to make it up when it is your time, unless you agree and she will have to calll you and not make arrangements through the kids.<P>Once she shows some degree of not yanking you and the children around according to her schedule and displays responsibility in this regard, you will probably choose to be more flexible. At least you will feel more in control of your schedule.<P>My s (16 year old) was to join H and d tonight as it is H weekend. S told me he was sleeping there tonight, then told me "no, there is not enough room, so will sleep here"<BR>I therefore am "on call" and impose the time to come home and need to know where he is etc. This has taken a long time for the kids to figure out when I am responsible for them on their dad's weekend, as they are not there but here.<P>S was picked up by dad at 1pm. returned at 5pm and hung out at a friends house until 11pm and let me know where he was and is home now and will go to his dad tomorrow and this is his dads weekend! They are buddies, not father and son.<BR>Son also came home with another pair of jeans (has about 20 pair of pants and I initially clothed him as his dad would not do this and when he asks for more, I told him enough, you have too much already. Now I have done what a parent does, his dad is there to buy the extras which my son is milking for all that it is worth!!!!!I will not and do not buy into this shopping stuff as I have no guilt where the kids ar concerned.<P>------------------<BR>

Willbok,<BR>This is probably what I'm going to have to do. The biggest problem I'm starting to face is that the kids don't want to go and I'm not forcing them. I also won't interfer and if they don't want to go, THEY have to tell her and so far they have been doing it.<P>I had to laugh tonite. I called the kids their mothers and asked for the kids. Well it turns out, my d is spending the nite at friend of hers, somebody who she has never stayed at before ! So rather than stay with her mother she would rather stay at someone's she doesn't know that well, especially the parents.<P>Then my d called me and asked if she could have some money to go bowling. I told her to aske her mother since she was with her. She said she had, but mom said no because she had spent money on her shopping today.<P>My d bargained with me saying that since she will be watching her brother this week as they are on spring break, and I will be working, she asked for an advance. So I said okay, but I wasn't running out to bring her the money. She said her friend's father was going to bring stop here and get it. They never did show so I got off cheap and x ended up with egg on her face again.<P>X has not mentioned anything to me about helping out with the kids over spring break. My neighbors are off so there will some adults around. My s's buddies all went away for the weak so he will probably stay pretty close to home.

I will not make them visit H, this is his job. But since he has to be "mr. nice guy" he will not press this even though it would be great for the kids to hear that he really wants them! So if it is "his" weekend, I usually have one or the other child here as it is too much to go together!!!!!!(had 2 nights with no-one in 14 months)<P>Let me ask you a question: If the shoe was on the other foot, would you give your children the choice of not visiting when it was your time to spend with them? <P>I would not. While the kids are teens in my kids case, they would not be given this choice at all. However, while with me, they would be free to see their friends if that was their choice but IM(not so humble)O I would make darn sure they would have quality time with me if I they did not live with me but stayed with me only every other weekend.<P>They do learn the inconsistencies (but also conveniently forget) of their other parent. My s did not really have a good relationship with his dad until 6 months after separation. H did not want to hear or deal with kids anger and my son (more than any of other kids) saw this infidelity situation so clearly.<P>When he was with dad, he asked for lots of things or money etc. Dad told him "I will not buy your love" and left son not talking to him for weeks at a time (H enlisted other kids to see son was wrong...sort of divide and rule concept) Eventually I told my son who was hurting majorly"Do not ask your dad for anything, I will provide for what you need" and once this once taken out, son and dad were able to bond in a way that makes me angry. H manipulated son to accept OW ...and by keeping this a secret from everyone else he empowered him , bonded in a way that kids do and this caused a rupture in sons relationship with his sister and myself. Now that dad was his pal, they could chill and I was the "bad one!"<P>So son decided he wanted to live with dad...and threatens this everytime we "fight" so much so that he is going for May "to see what it is like" BUT.......could not even spend the weekend there as he had other things to do and it was not too much fun with OW, her 12 year old daughter and his sister! So we will see how this transpires.<BR>He is so confused, but I cannot advise him as he is so defensive of his dad who has played the victim to his kids! (H is the betrayer and lives with OW....I have not had a date!)<P>This divorce is very messy (H is in a fantasy re the finances as well) and will take a long, long time. <P>I could have forgiven the affair had H recomitted to the marriage.<P>I can forgive my H for wanting to win financially<P>I do not think I will ever be able to forgive him for the way he has treated our children through this whole mess. His manipulation, lies, control, and destruction of the family unit in terms of all the children with one or the other parent, but not dividing the children as he has tried to do, and this is what I am the most upset about in terms of everything about all this.<P>H is never there to help out with anything. He stated once "all they need to do is ask," but in the beginning when the kids did ask for him to drive them to an exam or appointment, he told them NO, so all stopped asking!<P>The sad thing is our do not think that my H knows what he wants (other than all his and my money and in his words to mutual friends "a stepford wife") (LOL) Talk about a fantasy!