After a great day yesterday, it was beautiful here and I got a lot of yard work done, and my resentment at my x for her being on vacation while I took vacation to care of our/my son was gone, the resentment returned today.<P>The kids spent the night at their mothers, actually only my son did as daughter spent the night at a friends, and she told me that she would drop them off before she goes to work. She goes in around 2:30 pm.<P>I went to church and figured I would have a couple hours to sit and read the paper or may be go and look for some office furniture.<P>Well when I got home, guess who was there? My kids ! X had dropped them off around 12:00. I then remembered that she rests from 12:30 to 2, so I guess she didn't want the kids around or they didn't want to be there any longer maybe.<P>It just ticks me off. She hadn't seen them for a week, and then she still spends minimal time with them. She was on vaction for a week, why does she have to rest before going to work??????<P>I ended up taking the kids shopping for their cleats for soccer, baseball and softball. Why she didn't get these things yesterday when she took them shopping, i don't know. On our way to the store, my daughter tells me that her and her mother bought a bunch of make up. I asked what for? She said so when she goes out with her friends. I again asked what for? She is only 12 and doesn't need makeup(IMO).<P>She said mom bought it for her and said "mom is very protective " of her. I muttered "yea, right." But d heard me and said "she is !"<BR>I let the matter drop.<P>Then when we stop in KMart looking for some stuff, my s shows me a futon and said that wa s the one his mother was going to get him for his room at her house. What? A KMart futon ? Couldn't she buy him a little better name brand????<P>Two weeks ago she left him sleeping in a mall parking lot while she was looking for a mattress????<P>Any how, any tips on how to get over this resentment everytime she does something stupid, which seems to be everyweek now? No wonder last week went so smooth, she was out of the country !!!!<P>She apparently went on a cruise, and brought back stuff that looked like they gave out on the ship, postcards, deck of cards, a teeshirt. She did buy my d a necklace with her birthstone, and my s some type of toy. Talk about cheap! I guess I don't have to worry about her buying their love anymore!!!<P><BR>Sorry for the vent/question.<P>Bob

Hi Bob,<P>Some days I find it difficult to deal with the resentment. <P>This was my H's weekend but he didn't take the kids. He called and said he wanted to take them to the zoo yesterday. Of course, he didn't call until around 3:00pm and the zoo closes at 5:00pm. We weren't home because I didn't figure we would hear from him after noon time came and went. <P>He called later and told my son he would pick them up at 10:00am this morning to take them to the zoo. He shows up at about 11:30 am and the kids are back a little before 1:00pm. He told my son that he was going to a basketball game with a friend. He told the kids he couldn't buy them lunch because he didn't have any money! <P>I know exactly how you feel since my idiot H acts so terrible and cheap. Sorry I can't be more positive but that behavior really hits a nerve with me! <P>Tulip

Good topic!!!!!<BR>I have somehow managed to put my resentment at my situation away for most of the time EXCEPT when it comes to the kids who are caught in the middle.<P>It is a no win situation for us. The kids know the score but are caught in the middle, especially when their other parent acts like a jerk! And this is when I do lose it.<P>EVERYTIME they see their dad there is always a wrinkle and the time spent "bonding" parenting etc. with the kids gets taken up with this cr@p.<P>Was the kids weekend with the lunatic and his tramp (she really is and I know not all op are, but she really is)<P>D came home at 6 (lately he has dropped her off on time) and told me how she hates ow d who is now in her eyes a brat as she hogs the Nintendo(which ow bought her with H's money!!!!!!!!!! and is kept at H's aptment)<BR>My d said that they dealt with it by telling her to take it home and they would buy another one so that ow's daughter would not be able to hog it(what type of parenting is this(?)<P>Son did not see his dad as he was too busy with friends, so slept here, ate here, and got driven etc where he needed to...but he is going to live with his dad and the sl@t in May(LOL)<P>This makes me sooooo resentful .....s cannot spend a weekend, but wants to live there for a month!!!!!<P>The final straw when I really lost it was when s told me"I am going to have dinner with dad on Thursday. Visitation is s on Mon and D on Thurs and H went to court to make sure the kids were visiting seperately as "they do not get on" Now , as usual, he wants to change the plans by as usual, telling my son and I just have to agree.<BR> Well tonight I put my foot down when this was told to me. I told my son that his dad went to court to see the kids seperately (and he got his way and ignored what he did not like which was to take the kids togther once a month)and because he is busy on Mon night he wants to see you together with your sister on Thurs...well no can do and it is up to your father to stop going through you and to call me as I am the other parent.<BR>Son got angry with me and I told him that I asked him long ago to take hinmself out of the loop as his father should call me, but does not want to upset his dad...but it is OK to upset me.<P>I told him that it was for his father to call me if there were to be ANY changes to visitation. And until he puts his foot down with my son and forces him to stay when it is his weekend, then I will not accomodate any requests<P>H is trying to yank my chain as we go to court on Thurs re more financial issues and the only cards he now holds to get to me are through the kids.<P>Sorry....resentment calls for venting!!!!!!<BR>Acyually when H is not around life is easier for ALL OF US as he is a selfish, selfcentred, narcissistic @sshole<BR>

I am a little resentful this weekend myself. This was my kids spring break from school. My H is working in another city 3 hours away until a new manager starts (in 2 more weeks) He comes home last Sunday for oldest daughter birthday, leaves and takes son with him. Youngest daughter birthday was Wed. so i drive down there to celibrate her birthday. While I am there I do all the laundry, son's and his, take care of the kids. The maid does not hardly clean the room because we are all in it, (he rented out a long term hotel room with a kitchen) so I have to clean the kitchen ect.<P>This was suppose to my time free too. It is time for me go home with son, and daughter to stay with H one more day until he comes home to his office for a BBQ at work. He ask me to make his salad for him to take to BBQ. Our daughters starts crying because she does not want to stay there one more day, so son stays and daughter comes home.<P>Then on the way home I pick up nephew to stay the rest of the week.<P>I try to mow the yard and the lawn mower won't start. My H hangs around and works on it and gets it started then leaves for out of town again. My son then tries to mow the yard and the thing won't run.<P>Since this whole mess started I have taken care of the kids 24/7 the whole time except 2 nights, and then I was doing over nights with girl scouts and like 200 other girls. He has had them other than the two nights for like 4 hour visits once a week.<P>I love my kids. REally I do. But sometimes I am tired of doing all the laundry, all the fights, (you know teenagers) friends over, activities after school, home work, broken arm, strep throat all with starting to substitute teach.<P>He is in a hotel room with maid service. He rather be down there this weekend then here with us.<P>Will my H wake up who knows. He thinks if he gives us money we are fine. He pays for everything and gives me an allowance for groc, lunch money ect. I love not paying the bills......but I could use a break.<P>Our first hearing is tomorrow, but we do not have to attend. Then we have postponed things to see where things go for us. I still my have a chance to save my marriage. But in the mean time...I have all the responsiblity. The yard is still not mowed. I have 10 loads of laundry to do, the house needs to be cleaned my brakes are going out on my van, I am tring to get registered to start college again after 20 years........<P>You all know how it goes.....<P>The only thing that really keeps me going is telling my kids that I love them everynight. Being in on the funny things that they do. Knowning what they are doing and doing things with them. I think that is what they will remember when this is all over.<P>You know that song "We are the chapions"<BR>each and every one of us are.........by taking great care of our kids.<P>

I understand how you feel. My ex lives 2 miles from us and you can count on your hand how many times he sees his two kids a year! He was suppose to have them half of spring break and he never awknowledged it. He doesn't even call them. I guess time takes care of feeling like you carry all of the responsibility and they are just the "fun" parent. I guess it's not "feeling" like you carry all of the responsibility, but I guess it's more excepting it and being ok with it. Eventually her life will calm down, it won't be as exciting and she'll miss the kids. By that time they will be older and have more going on in their lives. Then, they won't have time for her and you'll have the last laugh. I guess I feel that along with all of the crap that you get in raising the kids, you get all of the good too so in the end your the one with it all! Pat yourself on the back, you sound like your a great dad and when your kids are all grown up and they are using the same parenting skills on their children that you use on yours, remember that they smile and say "Hey, my dad raised me that way and I'm proud of him".

For the first several months we were separated, my X was so involved in his long distance affair that, even though we had set up every 2 and 4th weekend visitations, he would seldom take them..and I often would not hear about it until the Thursday before. The kids remembered this, and then, even if he would take them, he had RB tournaments and would take the son along, but leave the D to spend the night with her friends. So, last weekend, neither of them wanted to go. My s is vocal about why he doesn't want to go, he is left alone a lot, Dad is busy online and ignores him, but D never says anything, at least to me, just had other plans and didn't want to go. <BR>I have decided to stay completely out of it, they can tell their Dad if they want to stay here. It cools my anger not to get involved. Mine are 14 and 16 also, so they can have a say in what they want to do. If your kids are younger, then it is harder.<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Bob,<P>I have 2 kinds of resentment.<P>The first is the resentment for what H is doing and not doing for the kids. It breaks my heart to see him use and manipulate the kids at his benefit. Thank God, my Daughters' don't know it yet.<P>The second resentment is for OW. I've been thru the "its not his fault, its hers". I've been thru the "its his fault and mine". But all in all, she purposely stepped in and created a lot of trouble for us. No marriage is perfect. But when there are only 2 people in it, it can be worked out and nothing seems as bad. Its when that 3rd party steps in and eggs the spouse on that all of a sudden, this marraige is terrible.<P>I am sad to say, I don't know how to deal with the resentment. When H has the kids, I go out with my friends, and I have a good time. By the end of the night, I drink way to much and usually just can't function. Thank God this is only 2 nights a month.<P>I also choose to date other people. It helps me because I can see different personalities in men. Some people, I can be with for 5 minutes and know they are very similar to my STBX. Others, I can see actually are very different. This gives me hope that I just was young, naive and settled for a very selfish person.<P>I wish I knew how to deal with the resentment. But truly, I don't. Hopefully I don't get slammed for being honest, but thats just how I feel. <P>I'll be watching your post for replies, as this could help me figure it out.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Bob,<P>Forgot to mention, a reply on your resentment.<P>Just remember while she was on vacation, you took care of the kids while they were sick. That is something that they will always know. It is something that shows who the true parent really is.<P>I don't blame you about the futon situation, and you have every right to be angry. Just don't let the children see it. I remember I would wait til they were in bed and cry my eyes out for hours.<P>Now I am so dead and numb, I don't cry that much at all. You pulled thru last week, you did it and you did it without her. Be strong for the kids, because you are a great dad. Thats whats the best thing about your situation. They have you.<P>Dana<BR>

Yesterday was terrible, the kids were picking at each other and it only the first day of vacation. I finally started losing my temper and started snapping at the kids. I kept telling them I was in bad mood and to stay away from me, but they didn't.<P>I finally started crying(to myself) and tried to go to bed early. My son knew soemthing was up and he came and laid with me for a while.<P>D still manged to p me off though. She got a phone call from her friend at 11:00, I let it slide(I don't allow calls after 10), but she got loud and I told her to quiet down or get off. Finally at 12, itold her to get off and asked if she had shut off all the lights. She said yes and when I looked, she hadn't. So I snapped on her and went to bed.<P>Thsi morning I called my counselor and figured she would want to see me. Instead she talked to me over the phone(no charge ). She asked me what I was resentful/mad about and what could I do about it. <P>She also said it was normal, but I needed to find to deal with it. I was resentful for my x not giving definite times for pickup/drop off of the kids. She said why should I be resentful if I don't require her to to set times. Whose fault is that?(damn it, its mine!)<P>So I was going to write her a letter, she said to call her if its communication you want. So I did. It went down hill from there, sort of. I asked her to please give me set times and she said you can't always do that. I told her she had to, or I had no choice but to inforce the shared parenting plan.<P>She said I can't do that as I don't have custody and I'm nnot going to dictate to her what she does with the kids. She also said if I continue to "harass" her she will file for alimony.<P>So I made an appoinment with my lawyer. He was rather puzzled in that its usually the non custodial parent that complains about the other parent being noncomplaint.<P>He said however, it is clearly written out that if the parents can't agree, then they will follow the standard visitation plan. This is every other weekend from Fri at 6: till Sun nite at 6:00 and on the off week, its Mon from 5-8.<P>My x has been seeing the kids everyother weekend from Sat sometime till Mon morning and they have been staying one night everyweek, except when she has been on vacation, which has been about every month since she left last July.<P>I also asked my l about alimony and he said its too late as we are already divorced and she is also co-habitating with someone else and he is supporting her in some means.<P>I can, on the other hand, seek more child support if she is making more money. This I can do because I let her slide on $4000 of income nont used in the calculations for child support.<P>I also had to laugh at x when she came to pick up my d, she say a statue was missing from the living room and she asked where it was. I told her I gave it away. She said she liked it and I should have called her. I told her she had had her chance to get what she wanted out of the house during the divorce settlement and now it was too late.<P>I guess she forgot she told me besides hating me she hated everthing in the house too.<P>When I dropped my s off at her place tonite she was all sweet as pie and gave me times she would drop them off tommorrow and pick up on Sat. They are in the processing of moving to her/their house and I guess the kid will be in the way so she won't pick them up till the afternoon. I guess she can't do the move when the kids are in school and spend the time with them on Sat. That thought probably never entered her head.<P>She also said the kids are going to help her unpack boxes and put things away. Boy I wish I could be a fly on the wall there Sat!!!!!!!! That will be a million laughs!!!!<P>I'll have to get my friend who will be her neighbor, to take audio and video of that!!LOL LOL!!!<P>I feel better tonite as I got some of my self respect and power back<P>Hang in there, we can make it.<P>God's Blessing to all of us.<P>Bob

Not very well<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi RWD -<P>I don't really have any resentments except maybe for all the money I put into the house,bills and marriage and then he decides on this "other life" right after I sunk the whole settlement I received.....that really sticks with me!!!<P>Especially with him being got-rocks and me being in the poorhouse right now!!<P>That's OK, I'll just write a book about it all and make millions and not "share" with him!!! (hey, I can dream!!!)<P>I give you all so much credit.....you have a strength I could never muster to be able to muddle through this nightmare with children....I get insane when he ignores the dog!!!! <P>God Bless you all for you are stronger than you know!!!<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>Ps - You had me laughing with the statue and the video......Perhaps some excess sugar at lunch before they go....of course preceeded by a late night with not enough sleep would add some interesting factors to the move!!! LOL!! I'm only kidding...we wouldn't endanger the kids future glucose levels or sleeping habits just to get to her. She does it to herself anyway!!<P>Glad you feel better after talking with the lawyer.

I think Bill said it best, our spouse have the heads up their a$$e$.<P>How else could you explain a mother not checking on her kids when she knows they are home on school break and I may possibly, just possibly do some work that I ger paid for and not be at home.<P>Such was the case today. I went to a seminar 125 miles away and left the kids alone. I called them on my cell phone and my son called me 3 times. I asked them what the were going to eat for lunch, that there was some stuff they could nuke, but my s said they would order pizza. I said I didn't leave any money for them, and he said he has his money. So I said ok.<P>he called back later and said he couldn't find it(I found it tonite, but thats another story!). It ends up he didn't eat lunch beacuse he didn't find his wallet.<P>I got home about 5:30 and just as I came in x called to talk to kids. This was the first time all day to my knowledge she had called thanks to caller ID. I guess I could have called and made arrangement for her to look after her kids but somehow that doesn't seem right. Why should I have to make sure she sees her kids???????????<P>The funny thing was the kids never called her either!!!! My son ate at a friends house and I ended up taking my d out to eat. My d said they had been there Tues with mom, so even on her days off she doesn't cook for the kids.<P><BR>She just doesn't get it. I know she was moving stuff to their new love nest , but she couldn't take 30 mins to feed her kids? She left the kids last July so she could run some food to om at his motel, she can't do the same for her kids?<P>She doesn't seem to understand that you can't make up for lost/wasted time with people, especially kids.