In another post I've related about being able to spend s few hours with my wife on Saturday.
<br>On Sunday we went to church. When we got home I washed the dishes and cleaned up. My wife was watching a video. When I was finished I joined her. It bothers me that we sit together but she doesn't get close.
<br>My boys want to play so I take off to the park with them. My wife is on the computer when I leave.
<p>The day is so beautiful. On the way back from the park I stop by the house and have my son run in to ask my wife to come out and let's go enjoy this weather. She stays home. So I get the boys the video games they ask me for then I go to a local wooded trail by myself.
<br>When I get back my wife is on the...well, you know. God, but I hate that thing.
<br>I sit on the couch and start looking at TV. She comes in, sits down and starts reading the paper, sometimes remarking to me about things she's reading. Finally she asks me what's wrong. I said I was lonely. She said I shouldn't be because she was there on the couch with me. I said that's just the problem. You are on the couch but you are not really with me, and let's not play any word games because you aren't stupid and you know exactly what I'm talking about.
<br>She comes and lays against me and we start looking at 20/20 Sunday. She asked me if that was what I wanted and I said it was great for starters. Though I felt perturbed inside I decided I should try and make the beast of an imperfect situation. We talk, and I'm thinking of things to say to allow us to have a good conversation.
<br>With a break in the show she gets up and says she has to check and see who's online. I coouldn't believe it. Finally I get up to iron my clothes for the next day. She asked why I wasn't finishing watching the story. I told her because I was watching it with somebody who felt that the most important thing on earth is to know who's online no matter what. She said she was coming back.
<br>I said, "Look. I know we're having our problems and I know you don't feel one hundred precent like a normal wife. Fine. i can live with that for now. But I should not have to take downright rude and inconsiderate behavior at any cost. Why can't you give me some time without getting on the computer? You're sense of proportion is very bad. If I were to interrupt what you considered to be an important conversation for something like this you would not appreciate it at all. Why am I supposed to?"
<br>She acknowledged that I was right, yet she went to the bathroom, did her hair and went to bed. How long can one spouse be the only one putting forth the effort? I suppose I already know the answer to this question. It is the most difficult, draining and demoralising thing I have ever done in my life.

Bruce,
<p>It is difficult. It is draining. But don't let it demoralize you. It's always harder to love someone when they don't reciprocate. Let her (gently) know how you feel, and keep setting a good example. Hopefully, she'll 'get it'.
<p>And my wife used to always run to the computer to check her on-line friends while I was home. And now, if she does it twice a month, it's a lot. So things can get better... :-)
<p>(And I never asked her not to: wow, an act of selfless consideration. And I've actually learned how to appreciate it!)

K,
<br>Thanks for the word. My wife is actually a pretty mature lady in most areas. I know that she wouldn't be online so much if our relationship was what it should be.
<br>I have never asked her not to be online. I know she likes it and I know it would be a mistake for me to interfer with it. So as much as I dislke it I live with it.
<br>But the amounts of time she spends on it are great. At any rate I think your advice is probably the best choice I have right now. thanks.

Bruce, all I know to say is that I hope it is a phase. She might burn her self out on teh computer. i do agree that her behavior is selfish. I've been in the same spot as you, but not because of the computer. My husband's top priority is cleaning. He won't give me a minute until the whole house is spotless and organized. (and of course that NEVER happens) It just plain sucks, no matter what their addiction is....

bruce,
<br> l hope you don't mind my asking,but l am alittle confused here in this forum. l can't keep track of everyones story as l am very new here and can't read all the posts. l saw earlier posts of yours saying that you saw how your selfishness caused part of your marital problems. First of all let me commend you on that realization. l think it is wonderful that you can look inside yourself and admit your shortcomings to begin your path of healing. l am just not sure of your whole story,and was wondering if you would mind telling me if your wife or yourself had an affair.l apologize ahead if the question is too personal for me to ask and l mean no harm by it,l am just curious. lt seems most of the men here are posting because of the wives infidelities so that is what l assumed was your case. ln any case,l can see you really want to work on things and how much you love her. ln my case,my H had the affair,but in a lot of ways, l think he was like you said you were in the past and that is part of what got me to the point l was at before he left for his remote(began feeling sort of indifferent about his going)Sorry, l know l am rambling,but l tend to do that.l guess l would just like to say l am enjoying seeing the point of view from the men here,although l am sorry for your pain,it helps to know that men do go through the same thing us wronged women do. Oh yea,l almost forgot l also wanted to say that l did have one suggestion for you and your wife. lt is something l was/am throwing around in my mind but just haven't gotten the nerve to ask my H yet. There is a retrouvaille weekend in Charlotte(l looked at your profile and see you are in NC) this coming weekend and although l know it is short notice perhaps that might be an option for you. l have read some wonderful things about them and how they allow both parners to heal together.

ali,
<br>To answer your question, no, neither one of us has had an affair. My wife had begun to treat me coldly for quite a while and my anger at this finally triggered her telling me point blank all the things she had pent up inside. Some of it I was already aware of in a general sense, other things I didn't realize at all.
<br>I believe it is a huband's job to protect his wife from the sorts of things that can creep in and cause such fractures. Her words made me realize just how bad I'd fallen down on the job and that I had made too many rationalizations to myself to justify it in the past.
<p>So now all these posts of mine you read are the chronicles of my attempts to set things right. As you can see there isn't much rhyme or reason to it. It goes up and down.
<p>Yes, I do live in North Carolina. Charlotte is about 3 hours from us. Can you give me more details about this week end thing you refered to? Maybe it is something we can do. I hope your husband is receptive.

bruce,
<br> thanks for the reply. l think l figured out there are 2 bruces and that is why l get confused! Not that is should matter but l have a hard time following everything here! As for the retrouvaille weekend,you can go to their website and read about it. www.retrouvaille.com. lt does seem like it would be an eye opening experience. lt had been developed through the catholic church,but anyone can go and it is not a spiritual retreat. lt is run by couples who have been through serious issues such as infidelity and survived.Good luck to you both!

In answer to the original question, can one spouse save the marriage, ...no. One spouse CAN be patient, loving, forgiving, change themselves, listen, trust, care, and be there for the other. I know because I have done all of the above. Does that make me a saint? No! That makes me a caring husband. That means I love my wife enough to wake up and change ME because it will benefit my wife, my kids, and me. But the sad reality is that all the love in the world will not save a marriage if the other is unwilling. I know this too because throughout our separation she has done nothing to reciprocate what she has been given. She has spent all her free time with friends, namely a male one who supposedly has no interest in her romantically and vice versa. But if she really wanted the marriage to be saved she should have been with me, not him. I realize that I can not be everything to my wife, and that happiness needs to come from the Lord, but her actions were and still are extremely selfish, and not those of one who is concerned with the marriage. I believe that the day will come that she will be alone for a moment and take a look at what she gave up, and it will only be then that she might see how selfish she was. Selfishness is the reason people divorce for the most part. He or she no longer makes me happy, so I have to do whats right for "me". If you are the one who has left or is leaving, think about the other for a change, especially if you have kids. You made a covenant with God. It said until death do us part. It DID NOT say until he/she no longer makes me happy. The Lord gave basically one out for a marriage, and that is adultery. But even then it is only because of the hardness of your heart that He allows even this reason. I can say with 100% conviction that even if my wife has been unfaithful, I would still forgive her and love her as God commanded. The Bible gives the real definition of love. Its not what you find in a romance novel, a movie, or in Cosmo. I Corinthians 13 defines real unconditional love. I have divorce papers sitting in front of me, waiting to be signed. But you know what? I still choose to love my wife. Do you know what the real reason for our divorce is? Selfishness and unforgiveness! Not lost feelings, the past, the other man, none of that. If my wife forgave me my past wrongs and stopped thinking of herself, we would be on the road to recovery. But since she won't do either, we are divorcing. So, no, one spouse can't do it. I'm sorry...I wish it could be done.