I'm consumed by thoughts of my maraige and how I wish it were different. I used to put a lot of work into the relationshiip but lately I'm getting lazy (even tho last week I tried again). But I wonder why I just can't accept things. I REALLY do know that my husband loves me. He'll never be the type to whisper sweet nothings, or seduce me or admire me or do small thoughful things or be a joy to be around. But he IS a decent person, and ok father and he provides for the family. Why can't I accept that?????? I know from reading alot of the other posts that I am not doing my share anymore and that many of my actions are selfish. Yet I am able to justify all that because I feel as though my needs haven't been meet. HOW DO I BECOME A CARING WIFE AGAIN??? Has anyone ever been in my shoes and then seen the light???? And I know I will have to do this on my own, without the help of my husband because he is not capable (willing?) of meeting my needs. How did things get so sc****ed up???
<br>

gbm,
<br> l can relate to your feelings.In retrospect, l can see how my marriage was very similar to yours. Sure, in the beginning my H did all those things for me and that is why l fell in love with him. l think that is why we all do fall in love- because of how the other person makes us feel so special. But for some reason many people only do that in the beginning of a relationship,whether it be a few months or yrs.But deep down we all have basic personal characteristics that are a thumbprint of who we are and eventually when we feel totally comfortable we fall back into those patterns. There is nothing wrong with them as long as they don't bother the other person,but when they do there is a problem.For example,some people are hoimebodies and prefer to lounge in front of the TV every night after work or they aren't very romantic by nature. When they are in the honeymoon stage they stop this behavior for awhile to do things with you,but after awhlie they go back to it and then we become discouraged,but hold in our anger,resentment and feelings of rejuection,and after yrs withdraw ourselves,by convincing ourselves this is just how he is so l will just have to learn to live with it and get on with my own life. Throw kids in the picture,everyday responsibilites,personal battles with weight or self -esteem,etc and eventually yrs pass and we don't know where they went but we are not very happy anymore and think it is because of our spouse,who seems blissfully ignorant to it all.
<br>This was pretty much my life up until recently. ln my case my H is in the AF and has over the yrs had to go away for 3 months here or there. Those always seemed be be the times he did realize he loved me and couldn't live without me and would be better then for awhile. This last time though was different. He went for a yr and l was tired of it so l wasn't very attentive(over the phone or in email) in the beginning when he was really sad,lonely and missing me.Needless to say after 5 months he slowly began getting feelings for a coworker over there. l found out when he came home for midtour and l have to say that that was the wake up call for me. l am not saying what he did was my fault or ok,but l do accept my part in it.For the first time in yrs l began *seeing him for what he had been to me so long ago. He did have to go back for another 6 months and promised he would come back to me and try,but he had admitted to not being able to let her go over there and supposedly toward the end they did sleep together although they tried to stay apart. He truly believes he was in love with her and l don't think he can deal with that. Anyway, slowly things are healing for us,but he still doesn't think that he feels like he should.
<br>l guess what l am trying to say,is to please don't make the same mistakes l did. Don't try to justify the way you treat your H because of the way he treats you because l would hate to see you end up in my situation. Even if you end up in an affair instead of your H(which l can say could have easily been me) you will still endure the worst pain in your life. l know how hard it is to talk. That is our WORST problem. Both of us are introverts by nature and can't deal with confrontation.But you need to learn how in order to preserve yourselves. Get him into some kind of counseling or marriage enrichment weekend.Let him know your fears and insecurities. Go out of YOUR way to fill up his love bank. Hopefully the pieces will fall into place then. Good luck.

Ali-
<br>Thank you for your words of encouragement. If you've read my other posts this morning you will know that by some miracle my H and I have a new lease on our marraige. (sitting here I am still in shock, I am nervous tho cause I know how hard it is to keep this high with th e stresses of everyday life.)
<br>Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel so guilty. I can't imagine being by myself for 6 months. When my husband traveled for his job he'd only be gone for afew days at a time. And really, we got along much better back then, but still had a shallow relationship. Learning to live daily with each other has been a struggle. Best of luck to you.

gbm,
<br> this is great news!!!! We had somewhat of a good night last night to,maybe it was the alignment of the planets!LOL! l know how those roller coaster butterfly feelings can be though! all l can say is hang tough and enjoy this new lease. Maybe someday you 2 can get away to a marriage weekend somewhere as l heard they do wonders in helping people reconnect!!!!