Our marriage is 11 years old in April, and everything was fine when I was a superwoman, handling everything including conflicts with the mother in law and job hunting for him when he lost his job. I was there for him and stood behind him when he lost his job, offered support when he was in a car accident, but now the tables are turned, and I don't know what to do. I have been verbally honest and laid my cards on the table, but the problem is I am getting to confirmation he has or is willing to listen. I suffered an injury that is brain injury and eye damage related, and I have been reduced from a superwoman, to someone unable to work, drive,socialize or enjoy things I used to, and keeping up with daily tasks is a major struggle. My husband routinely screams at me, walks away slamming the door behind him, and reminds me how useless I am and how I've wrecked his life. I don't know myself anymore and depression has set in. I have been dealing with everything, including an Autistic daughter without support from anyone, and my problem is, I am still expected to act as superwoman, including handling a job hunt for my husband. I do not know what to do, and I'm sinking fast. I feel truly stuck in a marriage I cannot leave because of my injury, and health wise I am sinking as the exhaustion level grows as I try to keep up with everything. If I step back and wait for help, the house becomes a pig sty, the kids are uncared for, and his verbal insults grow. I don't know what to do.<BR>Anybody who can give some wisdom, please do.<P>Thanks.

Have you seen your doctor about your depression? I had to start taking anti-depressants, but they seem to be helping me through this latest crisis. How old are your kids? Could this be a time they could pitch in and learn lessons in cooperation and helping others? I wonder too if your husband is scared at seeing his superwoman wife incapacitated right now. Take care of yourself and give yourself a rest. Maybe a family member or friend can lend a hand temporarily so you can rest.

Hi 2busytostop -<P>Welcome to MB!!!<P>First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your injuries and all the devastation that has been brought into your life. <P>How are you handling the physical side of things? Are you in the middle of rehabilitation or have you improved as much as is possible? Marriage/household aside - how are YOU dealing with all the things YOU have lost or have had to change in your life? <P>I was in a car accident and suffered neck, back and foot injuries....my life disentegrated before my eyes. And this caused depression (which my H contributed also) although I wasn't aware of it at the time. I felt paralized with my mind and emotions as to direction for my life as well as incompetent as a person, wife, homemaker, incomeproducer, etc. Because my injuries do not show on the outside - I had the added factor of people not realizing the spectrum of pain and disability I was/and still am to some degree in!!<P>I tell you all this, only to let you know that I do understand what you are going through and I would like to help you all that I can.<P>There are only 2 things that YOU can do to help this current situation for yourself and with your husband.<P>#1) COMMUNICATION - Yes, an ugly word to my husband and it sounds like it might be for yours also.....I know that I had so much guilt going on inside that I didn't push the talking too much....I tried to continue being superwoman!!<P>And you know what? All it got me was into a depression, a husband pulling further and further away from me and just basically one hell of a miserable existance!!!!<P>YOU have to talk to him....he has to talk with you!! It is the ONLY way that you will both get through this.....<P>You have to put aside your guilt...you are not responsible for something you had no control over...I don't know if you belief in God or Fate, etc. But this has truly happened for some reason. Perhaps it is through this that your husband is supposed to learn how to be a true marriage partner and not let you handle everything.<P>You may need help with this - counseling would be the best road if you found a good one. <P>I now realize that my husband was scared, confused and feeling guilt of his own about what happened to me....he was not raised to be an emotionally exhibiting person and therefore his feelings came out in anger and escaping the situation. I did ask him how he felt, blah...blah, but not in an effective manner I have since realized!<P>#2) You have to stop thinking of everyone and everything but yourself all the time.....you know what I mean, right?<P>You have to find a good place for yourself mentally.....you have to face, accept and become happy with where you are in life, WHO you want to be and what GOOD can come out of all this.<P>NONE of this is easy.....but you also are not alone. Do you feel that way - that you are so alone? I know that I did.....Well, you're not!!!!<P>We're here for you, there are a lot of others going through what we have/are.<BR>I only wish I had found MB then instead of 2 years later...then I wouldn't be in the process of a divorce right now maybe.<P>So, what do you think? Answer some of the questions I have asked if you can or want to. Tell us your thoughts on talking with H, etc.<P>Here's a BIG HUG and you are in my prayers and thoughts,<P>Sheba

Thanks Sheba:<P>But no, I am not handling things physically or emotionally and have started wondering if I died maybe it would be better for everyone. My husband has made it plain known he hears me, just doesn't want to be bothered helping.I have had no support for the 4 years, and now it is caving in on me. I am hoping by reaching out on the net, I can try and regain some emotional strength that I have lost along the way.Worse yet, the doctor I fired has left me, knowing the problems I have endured, accusing me of trying to get rich off an insurance claim falsely. I really could have used the compensation to help fund some assistance around the house and with my children, especially my Autistic daughter. My children are actually the only wonderful unconditional, non-abusive support I have received.

Hi 2busytostop -<P>Oh, I feel it all coming through your words.....the pain, frustration, the overwhelmingness of it all!!! I have been there....know all about it. You have the added factor of your children which can be an enhancer to the overwhelming feelings as well as a source of what is keeping you as sane as you are. A mixed blessing!!<P>You've reached out to a good place...we will help you with as much as we can. <P>I think the first thing you need to do is to purge yourself...get out some of the things you have bottled up inside.<P>I began this way and it helped get the rock of oppression off my life.<P>Write it all out...everything!! Start at the beginning - the accident, the pain, fears, doctors, lawyers, husband, kids, anxieties, hopes, wants, needs....<P>Start now......either journal it or even write it here.<P>You will be so surprised at the relief you will feel with just that little step. After that - you will have a clearer mind and heart and then we can proceed to building you up in the emotional and marital departments.<P>I'm listening.......<P>BIG HUGS and Prayers,<P>Sheba

Sounds like your H had been avoiding conflicts, unpleasantness...letting you deal with everything, and now his "buffer" is gone. His anger could be related to depression at feeling overwhelmed (or was he always angry?)<P>Is your disability permanent? How long ago did this happen? Don;t feel things would be better if you'd died...that is your exhaustion and depression talking. Your kids are very lucky you survived and will be there for them as they grow up.<P>What about church? friends? other sources of help for you while you/he adjust? Just brainstorming...<P>Can you make a list of tasks and go through it with your family, to see who can do what...which you can still do, which kids can do, H can do...and brainstorm on how to get the others done (or, are they things everyone can agree are ones that can slide)...<P>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi

Hi 2busytostop -<P>I am just checking in on you.....<P>How are you today?....Do any writing and/or thinking?<P>Let us know .....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi Sheba:<P>Thanks, no I haven't had a chance to sit and write, but lit some white candles, meditated and prayed. Helped a little. I printed out the excerpt on Why Women Leave Men and left it on my husband's pillow, who to my surprise actually read it. After the initial self pity guilt trips he tried to lay on me, the thought dawned on him I might be hinting at the outcome if he doesn't smarten up. Anyhow, he's promised he is going to change, but I'll see, I'm skeptical, but at least today there wasn't a slamming door or verbal attack....the first in sometime. I hope it keeps up. <BR>Thank you for the support, it is appreciated more than you know, and I'll keep everyone updated.

Hi 2busytostop -<P>I am so glad to hear that he is at least open to changing the current situation (for the moment, anyway!!) That's great!! Do whatever you think is right to enhance his awareness now....perhaps that communication isn't to far away.<P>Happy that you took some time for meditation and prayer...we need those times!!!<P>Thanks for filling me in and DO keep us updated. Hopefully, this is a step out of the routine of the last years!!!<P>Have you though of what it is that you could really use his help with at the moment? Perhaps having an exact chore or responsibility for him at the ready would be better than an overall "help around here" which may be too big of a concept for him to start off with.<P>Hugs, <P>Sheba

Sheba:<P>Oh yes! He is washing the ceilings, walls and floors tonight! He said to direct him, one word of complaint, and I will make him eat the mop!

2busy<P>I can relate to part of your story. I was superwoman for ten years. Did all that stuff just like you.<P>My heart goes out to you for your recent injury and disappointment with your H. I truly wish there were something I could do to help you. <P>If you can, don't let the depression sink in. Try and get help for that before it gets too deep. As far as help, is there anyone who is around for you? Forgive me I didn't read the posts above me as I am pressed for time.<P>I wish I could give you an answer, but I do not know. I will pray for your health and happiness tonite.<P>Welcome to the forum by the way.<P>Dana<BR>

Thanks Dana:<P>No, my family bailed also and don't believe I'm injured, but that doesn't surprise me considering their overall attitude in life and their stance against the disabled. I have been truly left to my own resources, and that is why it has been so hard, having people scream at me for not measuring up to what I should, while not offering any help so that I could. Lots of anger and resentment has accumulated and it's a wonder I haven't exploded under the pressure.