I am sitting in my cubicle crying. IT's been six months since my husband left. He's been telling me he was going to go through w/ the divorce but has stalled. Today, I told him I was tired of hoping, tired of being a punching bag. He is on his way to sign the papers now. I can't believe this is happening. Why can't he forgive me? What am I supposed to do now?

Hi, AnnR,<P>I haven't heard from you for a long time. I am sorry this continues on. You don't have to make the process go fast you know. But if you told him you were tired of the situation, you sort of threw the guantlet down. <P>Don't panic he may not sign the papers. Just let things move along. As for the reasons he cannot forgive you I don't know. But he may have forgiven you, but cannot bring himself to trust you. Does he talk with you? Is he civil to you when he does talk with you?<P>There is a lot of pain in this and it is difficult for many people to handle it. It is easier to run away. But don't give up AnnR, this is still a long road and you do have children together. So the opportunity to rebuild even after a divorce still remains.<P>Please take care of yourself.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited April 04, 2000).]

Thank you JL. I have not been to the board in a long time because I have just been really down. I haven't done too much of anything. <P>I am just very, very tired of this entire scene. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I can't stand the place where I am at ... not knowing what he's going to do ... living w/ fear of him divorcing me ... having no control over my own destiny .... That is why I wanted him to do SOMETHING!<P>I know that he feels he can't trust me. I have told him that I would do anything to save our marriage but, he hasn't done anything. He won't go to see my counselor with me. I've been his personal punching bag for six months while I continuosly apologize. <P>I am so sorry for hurting him and what I've done to our family. The guilt kills me. I guess I was lonely ... I don't know why. My husband travels a lot so, unfortunatetly, we are not use to him being home every night anyway. I think that may have helped the children adjust more easily. <P>

AnnR,<P>I am not an expert at this and you are seeing a counselor, but I think it is time that you began to take control of the situation. I don't know how you will relieve the guilt you feel for what you have done. But I do know this you don't need to let him punish you also. You should not be his punching bag. <P>I suspect that he feels that no matter what he does you deserve it and will take it. In another words you will always be there for him. This is not correct. <P>You cannot make amends for what you have done by letting him run over you. You can only make amends if he will reenter the marriage with you.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is that it is time to move on with your life. You have a job and the children. Begin to develop your own friends and enjoy things. There will always be places in you that will carry the guilt for a long time, but time will help. <P>Your H has to heal himself. You could help if he would let you. But quit telling him you would do anything. It obviously it is not working and he needs time for the anger and the pain to go away. While that is happening it is time for you to move on your own into life.<P>I know this is sad and you wish you could get a second chance to make things right, but sometimes second chances don't come. You cannot do anything about that. So please consider moving on with your life. It is possible when your H sees that you are moving on, it will wake him up to what he may lose. Finally, since you do have children, you will be in contact with him no matter what happens.<P>I hope my advice doesn't hurt you, but it is time to make the best of life for your children and yourself. Hopefully, your H will choose to join you, once he gets over your affair.<P>God Bless You,<P>JL

AnnR,<P>I went back and read some of your old posts. You should do that sometime. You will realize some very interesting things. One is that you H served you with papers around Christmas, but you are still married to him.<P>The other thing you will see is that most people including Conner suggested that it might take him up to a year to get over this enough to work on the marriage. You don't have to wait that long, but it might really take that long. <P>Have you been making changes in yourself? Do you see any changes in your H? Please take care and have patience. He still seems to be waffling on this. So show love whenever you can and hang in there.<P>Even if he does sign the papers hang in there, you just never know.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you JL. I know you are right about moving on w/ my life but what do you do? I guess I will learn. I need to get involved in something. I am just so hurt ... he did sign the papers yesterday. I went by and picked them up. I know a lot of people here say to never give up hope, don't "love bust", etc ... I agree w/ some of that but I think there has to come a point where you realize your marriage is OVER. I realized that yesterday when I saw his signature on those papers. I don't want to be in this same place a year from now ... still hoping he will forgive me and come home ... <P>I think I will take the no contact approach. I only want to have contact w/ him when I have to (when he picks up the children,,etc.) It hurts me to talk to him other times ... so casual ... like we are buddies. I know some people will say "Be there for him ... " Well, it's killing me to be there for him. He has not given me any choice but to get over him. <BR>

AnnR,<P>I want to remind you of something. Your affair lasted 8 months. This separation has only been 6 months. It seems like longer to you because you are not getting what you want. However, you did not give much to your H for the 8 months of the affair and I am sure those were the longest 8 months of his life and he didn't know what was going on.<P>Patience AnnR! That is what is required. Do talk with him. Do be nice and civil to him. You and he have children together and that cannot be changed. Further, if you go back and read the posts to you, many people responded and stated that it took their H's up to a year to get over the anger.<P>I really don't know what to tell you but this story has a long way to go. If you don't give up but start to develop a life of your own, you will be ready for the transition if it occurs and you leave the door open for him to see a different you. Even after divorce people do get back together again.<P>Life is very strange AnnR. It can be very terrifying or it can be very interesting. It depends on your perspective. So don't do anything hasty. If you don't want the divorce don't sign the papers. I don't know which state you life in but that can slow things down.<P>Also remember that time is the great healer. It will heal you, it will heal your H, and it may heal you marriage. Use your time well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL