So, what am I to think when I find out that my stbx has proposed marriage to the OW, Mia!!!! My God! Our divorce isn't even final yet and he's already planned his future, life, everything with this person. Was our marriage sooooo bad that it is easily dismissed? I'm very, very angry! Not a good thing because the last time I lashed out with anger, I got myself in trouble with the law. And yes, I admit, it was all directed towards Mia! What a B**ch! <P>I think I know why I'm so upset. Not just because I'm not even cold yet, but because just seeing them, her, and how the kids like her, is a constant reminder of the failure I was as a wife to him. It is a thorn in my side that doesn't seem to go away.<P>I know that not being married to him was the best thing for all of us, but I never expected him to be so damn happy and move right into a marriage so soon. <P>It really makes me now question just how long was this affair was really going on before I found out???<P>Gee, can't think of a nicer way to end the work day....<P>

I am so sorry TL......<P>Big Hugs to you and I wish I was there to comfort you....I don't know what else to say.<P>Please don't do anything rash....I know that you won't after the last experience but grief, anger and pain can make us do things without thought or care of the repercussions!! Promise me - OK?<P>You don't want your kids to see that side anymore....we'll help you if you let us!!!<P>I luv Ya and so do a lot of others here, please let us in......<P>Hugs, Prayers, Strength and Peace,<P>Sheba

I'm here, too, TL. Try to calm down just a bit.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{TiredLady}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Take about a million deep breaths, ok? I know this is very, very hard for you. But you've worked awfully hard (or at least you WERE the last time I heard from you) to pull yourself and your life together. You don't want to blow it now!<P>Sheba's right. Your kids need to see you at your strongest and your best. I know it's there. I've seen it here before. <P>It's gonna hurt, Honey, you know that. You have to rise above it. Be the person that YOU would truly admire and respect in this situation....don't backslide now, ok? I know you can do it. We ALL know you can do it.<P>I know you must be angry. Maybe you don't know, but Robert opened a joint bank account with PT and made all sorts of plans for the future and we hadn't even filed. I do remember how it felt. You CAN get past this, use it to make yourself stronger....you can do it, I know you can.<P>Vent here. Yell, scream, cuss, rant, rave, do anything you need to do, but do it here. And show those kids a mom that they will be very very proud of.<P>We're all here for you.<P>Love,<P>Lori

TL I'm sorry too.<P>It just sucks big time, and makes us feel powerless.<P>It's important that you understand this has nothing to do with you or what your marriage might have been. He'll probably wake up one day, and by then it will be too late.<P>Please come and vent here anytime you need, we're here and with you.<P>Also, and I know this is difficult, but try not to think about it, try to find things that will occupy you and that you enjoy.This will help you to relax and feel better.<P>You're a good person, and you did nothing wrong. Keep that in mind. Be gentle with yourself and with your children, and if possible treat yourself and the kids to something special that you all like.<P>I'll be back, but now I still have to go to work.<P>I'll be thinking of you.<P>Kat

I really wish there were some way I could help him "see the light" - I really feel so much for you right now. Lay down, breath slowly, try hard to get this moment to pass - it will.<P>There's little doubt that you are a wonderful you - and for sure what is happening has nothing to do with the person you are. Please know that. Although it's hard to believe at the moment, life has a way of healing all wounds and getting even better. Your day will come, one way or another.<P>You're in my thoughts.<P>SamH

TL,<P>Please remember this. You did not fail. You were not a bad wife. He failed you as a HUSBAND. He failed his wedding vows. And you know what, he'll fail again because he never even learned yet what he did wrong in this marraige.<P>It burns me up to see my STBX with OW and acting all happy with my kids. I hate that my kids like her, why can't they hate the witch. But I try to keep it all seperate. Its hard.<P>I have a bad feeling, my H will do the same damn thing. I would probably bet money on that. If he hasn't already. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Be strong, take a deep breath and try to put it all in perspective. Can't wait til next year when that marraige ends and Mia gets what she deserves. SHe will. What makes them think this will last. It won't.<P>Read Private Lies by Dr Pittman if you haven't yet. You'll feel much better.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

TL,<BR>I have been lurking around for months and only since this forum felt comfortable to post.<BR>Listen to lonelymom. She is totally right!! Mia will get what is coming to her as will your x. Someone once told me that once we let go and get out of the way than Karma can finally do its job. Doesn't want to hurt you or your kids. Once you are clear look out! They WILL get theirs. My stbx and his OW are real prizes. I know once I let go then POW! The negative energy they have put out into the universe will come back to them! Much worse. We have to remember that they are liars, cheats and self-centered creeps. You and all of us deserve better and will get it in time. You are not the failure he is! It just becomes too much work for them to be good and decent people. It is easier to be bad. Take care and know you did all you could and that it is his loss. <P>Be strong, <BR>Lisa

TL,<P>So sorry to here this. I figured I would be the first to post this, but apprently om doesn't have the stone to get a divorce.<P>I hope they do get married so my kids will at see something positive out of this mess, and perhaps won't see their mother like a w$^&e like I do.<P>If it makes you feel any better, they have a less than 5% of making it. I think someone posted the reasons listed by Frank Pittman's Private Lies.<P>I agree with Dana, you didn't fail, it was your h's. He was the one to run out and thinks everything will be peaches and cream with new wife. He will be bring the same baggage that he had had in your marriage, plus new baggage into the new marriage.

TL,<BR>I wouldn't exactly call what they are doing a marriage. Oh sure, there will be the dress, and ceremony and all the other stuff that goes with a real marriage, but we all know that they are just POSERS. Acting out a relationship that started with dishonesty. <P>Marriage is hard enough in the best of circumstances. Odds are very, very slim. Maybe your children will learn this lesson from Mia eventually...people who seem nice on the outside are not necessarily nice on the inside. I'm sure your ex and Mia are not the incarnation of evil, so it is not so terrible that your kids might like her. I know how much it hurts, and that you are afraid that they will emulate your ex and Mia's shoddy values. I don't blame you. Kids usually have two reactions to divorce. They think that everyone does it and tend to work on relationships less, or just the opposite. They hate divorce so much that they do anything to avoid it (including not getting married at all). I would do everything in my power to teach them that not everyone does it, and, when they get old enough (if they don't know already) talk to them about infidelity.

Hi TL -<P>How are you today? <P>Please come and talk this through with us......we want to be there.<P>I am worried about you.<P>HUGS and PRAYERS,<P>Sheba

Thanks for all your responses. I'm not sure I will agree with you in stating that their upcoming marriage will be doomed. I have witnessed firsthand how Mia and my stbx interact with each other and with my kids. I have read Pittman's book but am not convinced that they will be one of the 5% that don't make it. (even though I secretly wish I could do something to make it not work....)<P>Okay, for the record, as much as I personally want to hate Mia for her having found "happiness" with my stbx, she isn't the devil reincarnated or a total bit*h. Remember from my countless whinning posts that it was Mia who broke off the affair and stopped all contact with my stbx. It was after he moved out that he began to pursue their relationship again. <P>Remember also that it was my stbx who was insisting that we see a marriage counselor while I just ignored that we even had a problem. I ignored his pleading with me for over 10 years! It doesn't make this any easier to accept.<P>I still feel angry and depressed and sad over a situation that I contributed to. I can't go backwards can I? But it will always irk me to see them together. I can't help that. I'm just trying to contain myself from acting irrationally. I've done some incredibly stupid things towards Mia (yes, even though my anger should be directed towards the stbx) It's just easier to hate her, and lash out at her, and find ways of making her life miserable, than it is to do these things to the man that I've spent my adult life being married to.<P>

Hi TL -<P>Thanks for checking in....I feel better now.<P>No, you can't go backwards...what's done is done. You CAN go forward though TL!!<P>For whatever reasons, you made some choices for your own happiness throughout the years - Now your H has made choices for his own happiness. Neither of those was right, but they are done..... Nothing you could think up would change any of it!! <P>All you would do would be to harm yourself and your kids....you don't want to do that anymore, do you? <P>There are more productive things for you to be thinking on and doing. Like - what do YOU want for YOUR life in the future...what kind of relationship do you want with your children?<P>How about if we concentrate on those things.....<P>I don't remember your feelings on God, but my thinking on your situation since we met is that for some plan of His - which is unknown to us - you and your husband were put together to create those beautiful kids!!! Perhaps you and he are supposed to learn from them. <P>The children cannot be close to you when you have so much anger and bitterness - it is strangling them. They want to see BOTH of their parents happy!!! I am sure that they would love to comfort you and for you to comfort them through this turmoil. Can that happen with this anger and thoughts of revenge? NO TL, it can't!!!! <P>You need to find a place for this....you must work it through and let it go or it will eat you alive......You deserve better and so do your children!!!<P>Are you still busy with your activities or have you changed all that since this nightmare began? Do you feel any lessening of your pain, anger this began? We need to work on this part so you can be free of it and let yourself and the kids find a peaceful place with all that has gone on through the years.<P>LIFE WILL BE HAPPY at some point in the future for you TL.....Until you choose to allow it to begin, you are holding it up and it will take all that much longer!!!! In the meanwhile, you are holding the kids back from their loving relationship with their Mom...<P>BIG HUGS and prayers,<P>Sheba<P>PS - We're here to talk it out, whatever you need, OK? <P>

Tired Lady, so sorry he's still with Mia.<P>This reminds me a bit of Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones being "engaged", I don't think his divorce is final...and she's pregnant. He was once one of my favorite & respected actors and now I think he's just scum. There are people who will think that of your H, you might not know who they are, they may never tell you, but they are out there. Just lately people have been telling me how disgusted they were with my H for being with his OW...and some of them could be considered HER friends....<P>Not much consolation, I know, but his reputation is suffering--which for me, felt hard as well, because this was my H & the man I loved.<P>take care<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hi Sweetie,<P>Just dropping by to offer my support and say that I see so much growth in how you're handling things now. I know you're still a bit bitter, but you're not talking about things in the way you used to... <P>See everyone, time does help to ease the pain... and my dearest TL, you WILL BE FINE. <P>Love you, Sheryl

Tl, <P>I am sorry...I know it hurts you to the bone. I can only imagine how I will feel, and I finally was the one that wanted out!Even though my marriage is over, I am sure that when (if) he marries again, esp if it is her, it will bring up a lot of ugly and hurtful feelings for me as well. <BR>Just know you are a strong woman, who has learned from this and is a better person because of it. We are all here for you, talk to us and we can help each other. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

TL - how are you today? Just stopping in here to check up on you.<P>Lori

TL,<P>I found out last weekend that H and OW are talking about marriage. H told his son that he was going to divorce me and marry her. He has been seeing her since the last week of Jan. <P>I know that if we do get a divorce and it is any time soon, and he remarries, IT WILL NOT LAST. It may for a while....<P>He has got the problem. NOT ME..<P>Tracy

Thanks Lori and Tracy. My you're both up early! I'm okay this morning. Just trying to get on with my life one day at a time. <P>Tracy - Doesn't it just burn you that the betraying spouses can just move forward, right into another committed relationship without ever looking back? This is the biggest hurdle for me to accept.<P>Sheryl - You'd be proud of me. I was in one of those vindictive moods and wrote a letter (not a nice one) to Mia, but had addressed it to her work. I know she has a secretary that would open anything and that's what I wanted. I wanted her office to know all about the affair and what has happened. But you know what? I didn't mail it. I sort of figured that no one else would care and I would be the one that looked nuts! (well I think I am going nuts) Hey, give me credit - I used alot of self control!<P>

Hey All,<P>When I was the betrayer 14 years ago I also asked the OW to marry me. We would live happily ever after in a big house with a white picket fence and all that crap. I was still married to my first W. What the F was I thinking? Boy, finally reality hit and that was the end. What a complete and total idiot I was then. <P>I can feel for the betrayers in regard to the fantasy they see. I saw it as well. It was 14 years ago, but, I remember it as if it were yesterday. It is very powerful. I am not proud of this. I know how it is.

Me too Medic, I understand the draw since I've also been a betrayer. Sad, that!<P>TL, Yes, I'm very, very proud of you !!<BR>You are very right about something: it would have made YOU look bad... you did good, girl !!!<P>~Sheryl