I have to drive my daughter back to college, a trip of a couple hundred miles each way. My H announced recently that all four kids can not visit him simultaneously, because they supposedly fight too much. I have been unable to find someone to care for the two who will be home, and when I mentioned that to my H, he said something about the weather, as if he hadn't even heard me.<P>A friend whom I had hoped could take care of them was incredulous at the thought that my H could refuse to take care of his kids. She couldn't believe that he would refuse to do something that was so obviously his responsibility as a parent. She tried to tell me that I should insist that he take them. <P>Our son, who hates riding long distances in the car and who sometimes gets carsick, asked his father to take care of them all just this one time. When he told me that he had asked, I was surprised, since he is afraid of antagonizing his father. My H adamantly refused to take care of them all. <P>Apparently the non-custodial parent, in his view, has the right to see the kids whenever it is convenient for him, but has no responsibility for them except for child support. <P>How can this be the same man who even last summer, months after he filed for divorce, felt bad about not being able to take another daughter to college. Although he had seemed withdrawn from his kids beforehand, something happened toward the end of last summer, and he became much, much worse.

Nellie, <BR>I think my x is starting to do this too. She seems eager anymore to only take only 1 of the kids. <P>There probably isn't much you can do to get him to be responsible in this area. <P>Since you can't find anybody to watch your kids at home, can your college aged kids find a ride themselves? They need to be able to pitch in here too.<P>Bob

Nellie,<P>Your H doesn't get to set the terms on kids visitation. I believe it has to be mutual consent. Document everything he says and does. If you have to, do what my sister does. She doesn't talk to her ex anymore. He either has to put something on the answering machine or he faxes her. <P>Your H says your kids fight too much. Ohh, poor baby. It is called parenthood!! The effect this has on the kids can't be good. He is blaming them for his lack of responsibility. What next? Only certain ones get to visit cause he likes them better? Puleeze. You can see where this is headed. If it were me, I'd tell him that all of them visit, or none. He's just trying to see what he can get away with. <P>I agree that your college age kids are old enough to get themselves back to school. <P>Nellie, sweetheart, your ex is used to you lying down if he puts up a big enough stink. Everytime you do this, it just reinforces his behavior and he ups the ante even higher the next time. Believe me, my ex was a pro. Don't doubt that I was very angry at him and at myself for letting him do that. Your ex doesn't have any rights as a parent that you don't have. Stand up for yourself! Show him what you are made of! Take all that anger you have and use it for something constructive. Don't feel sorry for your ex. Don't let him play you one bit. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited April 04, 2000).]

Bob,<P>Unfortunately, none of the students at the school my daughter goes to live anywhere around here - it is a small school, with many students from the immediate area. It is in the middle of nowhere and hard to get to. She doesn't drive yet (she started college at 16), and can't afford both a car and college anyway.<P>TheStudent,<P>I don't think I can legally tell him that he sees all of the kids or none - and in any case, the last thing I need is to have to drive all 4 of the young ones all that way. <P>Yes, I am pretty sure that eventually it will be that only certain ones get to visit. He already demonstrated favoritism to our oldest daughter - although he gave both of the older two the same amount of money for Christmas, the oldest's card said that he would give her her additional present when he saw her, and daughter #2's card said he would give her her present when she asked for it - which he knew wasn't going to happen, since she hasn't spoken to him in a year. <P>

Nellie,<P>If you don't have a problem taking the kids in shifts then ok. I don't understand about the driving arrangements. You mentioned that you couldn't take all four all the way. How were they getting there before.<P>I didn't know your college age kid was so young. I understand wanting to support her, but she is old enough to get a summer job to help offset expenses during the school year. Working/co-op also provides valuable work experience she will need after she graduates. A decent used car can be had for less than $5,000 (I know not the cheapest), but she can also get student loans. There are ways! <P>Your husband's favoritism is pretty disgusting. I don't even have the words for that. I'm proud of your daughter #2 for not allowing herself to be bought. She probably is not mature enough to realize that is what is going on, but somehow she figured it out anyway. Good for her!<P>I'd still document everything. I don't think it is legal that he gets to choose to see only certain ones. If he did that long enough, you could make a case that his doing so is harmful to the ones he is not choosing. That would be the basis for your argument to have all or none. Not out of spite, but for the well-being of your children.

Nellie do you have anything temporary through the courts as far as visitation etc? If you don't, you need to get it. It really stinks the way your husband is calling the shots and you either have too or feel that you have to do what he demands! My ex hardly ever sees his kids. In fact, you can count on one hand how many times he has seen them in the last year and he lives 2 miles away! He tried to pull what your husband is doing. See, his girlfriends one boy is the same age as our son and they get a long well. My ex would not exercise his visitation, but he'd have his girlfriends boy call for our son and ask if he could sleep over! NOT! That left my daughter in tears because her brother could see dad and she could not. I calmly explained to my son (who is 12) that it hurt his sister's feelings when his father allowed that and that his dad was entitled to have them both every other weekend so it wasn't me not allowing them to see their father. He understood. Because we are already divorced I can not ever deny visitation to their father, BUT I do have the legal right to say "if you don't pick them up by 5:00 on Friday, BOTH of them, then you have forfeited your entire visitation for this weekend. You need to get this over with so that he can't continue to walk all over you. Document every thing he does. I can't stress how important documentation is. Also, have all communication to him go through the kids if possible so you don't have to take his verbal abuse. Is there anyway you can have your daughter call him and say "Listen, mom can't get me to college and I need to get back. I need YOU to drive me. Hehe....let him handle getting her to college while either hauling the two kids that he does have with him or making the ow care for them while he's gone. She decided she wanted a man with 6 kids so let her lay in the bed she requested. And, get this stuff done asap so that you have legal references to refer too! He's a jerk and he's having a ball calling all of the shots. That's not fair. In Minnesota the parent that has physical custody is the one with the control because they are the one responsible every day for the kids. I use to let my ex push me around and it was awful. He'd call the home 10-15 times a day to harass me and he'd tell me if I didn't take it he'd tell the judge I wouldn't allow phone contact between him and the kids. After awhile I decided that enough was enough. You need to get pissed and stop his verbal abuse. If he was happy in his relationship you'd think he'd have better things to do then to bother you!

TheStudent,<P>She has had summer jobs since she was 15, and she has a scholarship that requires her to work at school. She has student loans as well. <P>I have taken the four younger ones with us, but it is pretty miserable for them to ride all that way and back for nothing, and I hate doing that to them. Up until now, I was able to find someone to take care of them, usually my H. <P>I am sure that she is mature enough to realize exactly what is going on. She once said that he probably thinks he loves the kids, but he doesn't know how to love. <P>BonnieSept,<P>Our daughter wouldn't call him to ask for a ride back, since she hasn't spoken to him in over a year.<P>There is nothing through the court. I do not want to hurt the kids by denying them a chance to see their father, just because he is not willing to see much of them. They will rarely say anything to him about how hurt they are, since they are afraid of antagonizing him. <P>

Nellie,<P>You do sound like you've got alot figured out. <P>I hear that your kids are afraid of antagonizing him. I would not recommend having your kids act as the go-between, because it seems like it would be subjecting them to his abuse instead of you. <P>My sister just filed an injunction against her ex for doing some of the same things your ex is doing (and more). It took her awhile, but she documented absolutely everything. Please do that. She had a hard time even recoginizing certain patterns in his behavior until she did that. Now it is very clear to her, and will be clear to the courts too.

Yes, I do believe that our hands are somewhat tied as the reason our H's get away with a lot of the crazy behaviour in terms of taking certain kids etc is that our prime concern is not to hurt the kids more than they have been already.<P>On the other hand, it makes no sense to enable this style of parenting, which does play favourites with one or another kid...and my H is a master at doing this.<P>With older teens, the courts bought into the idea that because the kids "fight" and "do not get along" they should see their dad seperately on weeknights and the weekends are whatever the kids want despite a court ruling to the contrary for one of his 2 weekends a month!!!!!<P>Now he wants to see the kids on the same night!!!!!!He took this to court, because it did not suit him at the time, now he wants to change it! I have told the kids (who he has put in the middle ALWAYS) the way it has been is the way it is, unless he calls me to change this, I will not listen to anything regarding this if it is addressed through the kids. And finally the kids have seen the light.<P>But it has been a long road...and the only reason is that it gives me some distance from altercations with the kids (their dad tells them and this is the way it MUST be ....NOT!)<P>At least your h communicates with you....even if only about the kids....mine refuses to and when told he has to consult with me regarding changes in visitation, he tells the kids..."no way, then I will not bother!"

TheStudent,<P>I am not going to have the kids act as go-betweens. Unfortunately, since the OW won't let me talk to him on the phone, I guess I won't be able to notify him if there is ever an emergency or last-minute change of plans. <P>willbok,<P>Yes, my H will communicate with me about logistics, but with so many little kids he probably doesn't have much choice.