I posted this yesterday in the infidelity forum....I thought I'd copy it here since it seems to have as much if not more relevance. Since I'm new to this forum.....hello everyone, I'm Jerry.<BR>---------------------------------------------<P>It's been quite a while since my last post (about 7 or 8 months). Things have really changed here. I haven't been to the site in almost that amount of time. I thought I'd come back and share a short update. <BR>For those of you who don't know me, I am the betrayed and spent the better part of 3 years trying to reconcile. I knew about the affair for 2 1/3 of those years, but my W always denied it. Well, 3 weeks after finally admitting it, she filed for divorce.<P>I continued try work Plan A or B (whichever I was in at the moment). As of today, I wish I didn't have to admit that I'm divorced.<P>I have tried with all that I am and all that my heart has to offer and all that I have inside to win my wife back. She decided that the OM was the way she wanted to go with her life and our kids. Needless to say that this hasn't been all the great of a day. I'm struck that after 10 1/2 years of marriage, it only took a 45 minute court meeting to end it.<P>Why did the judge only ask her if the marriage was irreconcilable? Why didn't I get to answer the question about whether or not there was any hope of repair? Why is she doing this? She was supposed to be my best friend. She promised to love, honor, and protect. She promised that I'd be there everyday for my kids....not 12 hours a week! We promised ONLY to love each other. Why is she doing this?<P>I know there are lot of people in a lot of different places in life who come here. I know there is a lot of different pain that people are experiencing here. To all those who aren't sure what to do.....I have the answer.....try. And when it gets harder.....try harder. And when you want to quit.....try harder. When you think it's not worth it......try harder. Don't ever quit....TRY HARDER. "He is not a failure, lest he should quit." Even though I hurt, and I'm angry and I feel aweful, at least I never quit. For 3 years I didn't quit. Even when my "friends" said to quit and go away and even when it hurt more to keep trying, I didn't quit. I never gave up the hope that my W would wake up and grow up and set her life straight......don't ever give up on those you love.<P>I'm not sure what I expected by coming here, and I certainly don't want anyone to feel bad or anxious about what they're going through at home. It's been said that you go to where friends are when you're hurting. I hurt.....really bad. I wonder what ever happened to some of the people who were here before. I see some of the old faces here offering time tested and good advice. Hi TNT and Dazed. I wonder what ever happened to Chris123 and SHA.<P>I wish and pray that for each one of you currently going through this mess, that love and reconcilliation will win out. Thanks for all the help in the past from the old timers and good luck to the rest.<P>Don't give up.......<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Janella - "...I'll be the greatest fan of your life..."<BR>Jerry<P>

Call me busted hopes now, Jerry. I don't want to quit because I really love my husband, but he cannot get rid of the OW. The hardest thing for me is the fact that he would rather have both of us and is unwilling to turn her loose. At some point, self-esteem and dignity have to come into play, don't they? How long and how many chances should he get when he continually lies and shows such blatant lack of respect for me even though he says he loves me so much? I can't live with him like this. He is in intensive counseling right now, that is the good sign. I will get some, also. I know that will help me, no matter which path I take. Thanks for your encouragement, though.

come on man,<BR>I think some of you guys/gals who have been cheated should have some self respect.<BR>I donot say EGO but SELF RESPECT.<BR>Why donot you understand that such a begging position sometimes allows spouse to enjoy affair.<BR>Forget & proceed in your life<BR>Best luck.<BR>I am sure you r better off them

Through these last nine months of "recovery" when I thought all contact had ended and we were legitimately headed in the right direction, I did have self-respect. I thought he chose me instead of her. Now that I know he never stopped with her, I am stripped of that respect. That is why I am ready to proceed in my life without him, even though I love him. I cannot bear to have him continue with me AND her.

Pareshv,<P>While I'm sure that it would seem like you said, it's completely different having walked a mile in my own shoes. I think that I probably had the same perspective as you before, but it changes when that ultimate trust is violated.<P>Hopeful is suggesting a feeling (reality or not) that many people here have felt. When that trust is broken, and you decide to try and trust again only to have it broken again, it creates questions in your mind about your self-worth and your ability to distinguish good character in someone else from bad. Add to that the doubt and fear that it could happen again, and it becomes a bigger and bigger snowball.<P>There must have been someone in your life that goated you into doing something with the promise that you wouldn't get hurt, only to get hurt anyway. They laugh and try to get you to do it again, promising no more pain. You decide to do it again with the same outcome. Where do you think the saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" comes from?<P>I'm not trying to beat up on you, I only want you to try and view this from a perspective you may not have any experience with. For me personally, when you give everything you have to give - whether is seems like begging or not - only to have it end anyway, the questions come.<P>Most of us would never view this as begging. In fact, I don't think that's a realistic view of it at all. Infidelity is either just morally wrong or it's a sin (depending on your religious opinions). What goes on here is a serious attempt at trying to overcome or outlast a serious lapse in character in another person. For the people that finally wake up and realize what they did wrong, reconcilliation and recovery occurs. For those who decide that the thrill is more appealing than real life, then pain comes for the one who didn't give up.<P>A friend of mine reminded me last night that through it all and after it's all said and done, I'm a better person. I learned some things about myself, I learned some things about my W, my daughters got a serious education on how not to lead their lives, and I NEVER GAVE UP. I win.....period. I don't have to live the guilt, I don't have to look into my girls' eyes and know that they see failure, I know that I kept the promise I made on the alter 10 1/2 years ago. I kept my word and I win......period.<P>------------------<BR>Janella - "...I'll be the greatest fan of your life..."<BR>Jerry<P><p>[This message has been edited by grprof (edited April 05, 2000).]

I am sorry for you Jerry, but sometimes it is just over. When there is no love left you can try until you drop and its not going to make a difference. People change and life can be incredibly unfair at times. Let it go and move on with your life. You owe that to yourself.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by grprof:<BR><B>I posted this yesterday in the infidelity forum....I thought I'd copy it here since it seems to have as much if not more relevance. Since I'm new to this forum.....hello everyone, I'm Jerry.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Jerry, <BR>I, too have shared many of those feelings where I would trust again and my X would violate that trust. I would feel inadequate, doubt myself, wonder what was wrong with me, etc. While I have learned that there were many things I did during the marriage that I could have done better, the affair was his demise. Had he followed through with his promises to end it, I would have done anything for my marriage. And after two years of the affair, hearing it was over, time and time again, and finding out different, I just quit. I had no love left. <BR>And, I also figured out, it wasn't me. As soon as discovery happened, I did everything possible to save my marrriage. I did counseling, I met his needs the best I could. He always told me he loved me, he always said our marriage was the most important thing to him, but his actions were quite different. I gave him every chance. <BR>He wanted out, just didin't want to be the first one to move. So he continued to kill off my love for him by lying, decieving me, and doing everyhting opposite of what it would have taken to keep our marriage going.<BR>I don't doubt myself anymore. I did all I could. I can walk away without regrets.<P> Am I sad my marriage didn't work out?? Absolutely. Everytime I look at those kids. But I am a better person now. <P>------------------<BR>Susan