I did not choose for my H to throw away a good marriage for both of us (until his involvement with OW) and I would not wish the resulting mess on anyone.<BR>BUT......<BR>I do know that something good has to come out of this...it has taken and will take me time to figure this out fully though...<P>For me, it has revalidated my worth as a person, both intellectually and motionally.<P>It has helped me form very close bonds with friends that I had and new friends. It has also shown me who my friends really are!!!<P>It has shown me that I have strength to get through this, strengths I did not know I had.<P>It has shown me that compromise is possible,, but my value system and moral outlook on life is "solid".<P>It has shown me that I can exist as an individual, not as H's wife, children's mother etc.<P>It has given me the ability to parent my children with concrete boundaries (which did not exist before, as H has no boundaries)<BR>It has reaffirmed my faith in my parenting skills. There is a line for the kids, and if they cross it, there are consequences and if they do not like it, they have another parent!!! <P>It has empowered me to take charge in a way that I was very hesitant before.<P>There is more , but I am still figuring a lot out<P>I need not go into the negatives......

Good topic!!<P>I've seen lots of changes in myself too.... about 99% of them are <B>positive</B>!<P>I'm more confident.<BR>I realize my value and worth.<BR>I know that I can support myself financially... much better than when married.<BR>I am gaining a feeling of independence again... financial and emotional!<BR>I have about 90% less housework to do now! (same size place... just less mess )<BR>I can do the things I enjoy without guilt or worry about what anyone else thinks.<BR>I am getting in shape... taking better care of myself and getting healthy. <P>I could keep going... but I won't right now , except to say this.... I talked to a friend of mine, and she said she could hear the differences in me.... that I speek clearer and more firmly (in a good way), and that I sound happier than I have in the last couple of years (especially in the last year). <P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Hi Ladies,<P>Of course, I have changed. Some things are positive, and some are negative. But then again, there are a lot more positives.<P>I always knew I could support the whole family. I didn't waste money like my H did. I have MORE money and MORE clothes now than in the past ten years.<P>I am doing something right if my children have both received straight A's just 3 months after this whole mess. Obviously they're not neglected.<P>I have reconnected with my old friends and made several new ones that I can't imagine life without.<P>I have learned how to do better next time around at meeting needs. I even speak up now in new situations if my needs are not being met.<P>I have learned a lot about my H. I fell in love with him when I was a teenager. I see now he was always self centered, selfish and greedy, I just chose to deny it. He was not a very good person and now I see it clearly.<P>Lastly I learned that I am not the only one who has to go through this horrible experience. I learned that in some cases, its those you'd least expect that have gone through this too. <P>I think a lot of us definetly change for the better. It just takes us a while to get there.<P>Dana<BR>

Willbok99-<P>Passing this on to you...It is from someone from the MB site...but I can not recall who originally posted it.<P>It clearly outlines for me many things that I "Learned" during my particular situation.<P>I'm gonna go back and try to dig up who originally posted this to give them credit...<P>Take a look...<P>Things I've Learned<P>I've learned…<BR> That no matter how much I care,<BR> Some people just don't care back.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That it takes years to build trust,<BR> And only seconds to destroy it.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That it's not what you have in your<BR> life, But who you have in your life<BR> that counts.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That you should not compare<BR> Yourself to the best others can do.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That you can do things in an instant<BR> That will give you heartache for life<P> I've also learned…<BR> That it's taking me a long time<BR> To become the person I want to be.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That you should always leave loved ones with loving words…<BR> It may be the last time you see them!<P> I've also learned…<BR> That you can keep on going<BR> Long after you can't.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That we are responsible for our<BR> actions, No matter how we feel.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That either you control your attitude<BR> Or it controls you.<P><BR> I've also learned…<BR> That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship Is at first, the passion fades and there had better be<BR> Something else to take its place.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That heroes are the people who do what has to be done, When it needs to be done, regardless of the outcome!<P> I've also learned…<BR> That money is a lousy way of keeping score.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That my best friend and I can do anything/nothing & have the best time<P> I've also learned…<BR> That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down,<BR> Will be the ones to help you get back up.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,<BR> But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That true friendship continues to grow, Even over the longest distance. And same goes For True Love.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,<BR> Doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what You've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've had.<P> I've also learned…<BR> That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.<BR> Few things are more humiliating…what a tragedy it would be if they believed it!<P> I've also learned…<BR>That your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. <P>I've also learned…<BR>That no matter how good a friend is,<BR>They're going to hurt you every once in a while and<BR>You must forgive them for that.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.<BR>Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That no matter how bad your heart is broken,<BR>The world doesn't stop for your grief.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,<BR>But we are responsible for who we become.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love<BR>each other…and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That we don't have to change friends<BR>If we understand that friends change.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.<BR>It could change your life forever.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That two people can look at the same exact thing<BR>And see something totally different.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will<BR>Eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That you life can be changed in a matter of <BR>Hours by people who do not even know you.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That even when you think you have no more to give, when a<BR>friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That credentials on the wall<BR>Do not make you a decent human being.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That the people you care about most in life,<BR>Are taken from you way too soon.<P>I've also learned…<BR>That it's hard to determine where to draw the line,<BR>Between being nice and not hurting people's feelings<BR>And standing up for way you believe.<P> <P><BR>

Lots of great thoughts! Thanks. I, too, am learning lots of things. Good can come out of bad situations. I found out that my family really is there for me. I'm not afraid anymore of a future that might mean I will be alone. Won't like it, but there it is. I don't like a lot of stuff that's happened. My faith in God has been strengthened. Let me not forget my wonderful and supportive friends.

I have learned that it is a mistake to place my emotional welfare in the hands of a single person.<P>Fortunately for me, I learned a long time ago not to place my financial welfare in anyone else's hands.

Butterfly,Lonelymom,mrrlk, hopeful now and TheStudent:<BR>Thank you one and all for taking the time to post some positives during these painful times....<P>I guess we are not only all learning about ourselves, but also taking the time to evaluate these changes in each one of us.<P>Even if there are no future relationships in a reworked marriage, or with other partners, we at least know that we have hopefully understood where we come from and where and how we are going to embark on the future.<BR>And this is a positive........with children, family etc sometimes we do not really have the time even to do this and question things that should have been done for fear of 'upsetting the apple cart"<BR>Once this happens though, we do begin to see things very differently. <P>