Hi ! I'm new to this forum. I somehow tripped over it while surfing the web and found it to be very informative and supportive. Where do I begin ? Well, in a nutshell here goes.....on Friday I have a "sitdown" with the wife and both lawyers to sort out a Settlement Agreement. This matrimonial action was set in motion back in November of 1998. Suffice to say both sides have paid the price money wise.<P>Let me backstep. Due to "my problem", I have put my wife through unimmagineable humilliation. Because of my actions, our worlds have been turned upside down. Never in a million years did I ever think that we would be in this situation. It was always supposed to be someone else that should be in this predicament, certainly not us.<BR>Not only is my wife affected, but our two small children as well.<P>"My problem" came in the form of a bottle. I never realized just how much "tunnel vision " I had. "My problem" then turned into the greatest problem of all in a marriage. Infidelity. It was all downhill from there. <BR>After a year or so with minimal communication between the two of us, I think that maybe I can approach her before the final court date which is later this month, and try and head off this 45 minute court hearing which will end it all.<P>I have started to heal the errors of my ways to some degree as far as "my problem". We can also now talk to each other without the knifes. Do I approach her for a talk after the sitdown ? Before the sitdown ? Where do I go ? Where do we talk ? How do I start ?<BR>I now know that I lost a friend and want to attempt to regain that friendship for starters! Any ideas ?

Hi John, I liked that you said you're losing a friend, it says good things about you... I understand that it was always something that happened to someone else, it could never happen to us, we were best friends, the ideal couple, did everything together... <P>It doesn't sound like you want to D, so I would delay it, at least til you get a good idea how to try to win her back. Divorce is like a death in the family without the funeral, some say the feelings after it get worse over time, it hurt our kids more than I could have ever imagined. <P>Go through this MB site, there's great stuff in here. Be honest with your wife, if you don't want the D, then say so. If you love her, then tell her. It may take time for her to adjust too, but maybe your marriage needs someone to pull back on the reins and think about it for a bit.<P>If I were you, I would NOT allow the D until I'd done EVERYTHING possible to save the marriage, it's just too destructive to all involved. I wish you well my friend and will say a prayer for you...<BR>Sam <BR>

John,<P>Welcome! Definitely put the divorce on hold if at all possible. If not, still read everything on this site as that will help you work on the relationship whether you divorce or not. There is so much good info here.<P>I agree with Sam that you have to tell your wife how you feel. That is so important. Good Luck!<P>Tulip

Sam.....Tulip.......thanx for the timely response. Well, tonight is "pizza night with my two men" and tomorrow is THAT DAY. I think I will wait till after the sitdown and try to get her to take a walk through the neighborhood or nearby park and let it all hang out. I'll keep ya informed.<BR>Bye.

John,<P>I hope everything goes really well when you "let it all hang out." Remember to try and let her know you want to understand and meet her needs. Avoid all LB's. Take care and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.<P>Tulip

Tulip,<BR>Hi ! I was gonna respond to your B'Day post, but decided to wait till later.<BR>Let's see what happens. My only drawback at this time and I was negligent because I din't say anything, is, she knows about the existence of the OW. This situation can change overnight. We (OW & I)are cohabitating at the present time. Not good. But at the time this happened, where else was I to go? Moms house?<BR>I know she is aware of this and that is not good. She knows the address, ect, ect...<BR>Would it be wise to abandon this arrangement right now ? She has been known to scour the neighborhood and see my car parked near her house, knowing full well I was there.<BR>HELP ! This madness has to end ! This is not me !

Depending on how much you want to make it work with your wife should help you decide whether to change your current arrangements. Since I don't know all the back ground to your story that makes it more difficult to give you my opinion. Did you move out to be with ow? Did your wife want to save the marriage even after discovery? Who decided to get the divorce? <P>Is it possible for you to get a place of your own? I ask this because my H is cohabitating with ow, and I also did some scouring of the neighborhood. I would be willing to try forgive my stbx if he were to make an honest effort and leave the ow alone. He refuses to hurt the ow but doesn't mind using me as a doormat at all Maybe your wife feels the same. <P>Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? It is really a good book with lots of information on how to overcome infidelity and make your marriage work. Lots of that same information is here on this site, but the book has a bit more detail. <P>I'm sure you a hurting from all this madness. Unfortunately, infidelity hurts everyone involved. There are some betrayers here that might be able to give you better advice than I can. Good luck tomorrow. This didn't happen overnight and you won't be able to correct it overnight, but you can start the ball rolling in that direction. Take care.<P>Tulip

I call myself Busted Hopes really. When I first signed on I was in the recovery room going great for the last 9 months. I discovered that my H had NOT stopped contact with OW. He is desperately wanting another chance to save our marriage, claims how much he loves me, and wants us to go to counseling. He just started going to intensive therapy by himself. The trouble is, he doesn't want to hurt "her". For me I cannot see going to counseling to save the marriage when he is unsure about whether to give her up. A sure sign for me would be that he would once and for all break it off with her. That would show his sincerity in wanting to save our marriage and be with me.