Three months ago I chose to end my 16 year marriage; a decision that has been emotionally exhausting. My husband has a problem with control, is selfish, and does not care whose feelings he tramples to get his way. We have two children, so I gave it my all to make this work. The last two years were especially difficult. I would beg my husband to talk to me, to spend some time with me and the kids. He wouldn't. I spent many an evening alone watching TV or reading, crying, feeling lonely. If I said I was lonely, he would tell me to call a girl friend. That is not what I needed.<P>One day last fall I was playing on the computer, and I started chatting to someone online. I know, big mistake. I started emailing someone and before I knew it, I was embroiled in an email romance with another married person. For the first time in years I felt good about things and I realized I wasn't as awful as my husband led me out to be. I'm not making excuses for my behavior because not a day went by that I didn't feel quilty about my actions. To make matters worse the man I was involved with had only been married for 18 months. In January my husband found out about the email and went crazy. He called me every foul name known to man in front of the children, took the c drive out of the computer and threatened to have it read, closed all of our joint bank accounts, told my parents, brother, and sister, his boss, and our friends that I was an adultress. I was humilated to the very core. Somehow he broke into my email, changed my password so I couldn't get any more messages and threatened to show my parents a sexy letter he found. He changed the pass words on the computer so I could not get on the internet. I aplogized for my actions and told him I needed time to think things out, but his behavior was unacceptable. He agreed to leave for a while, get counseling and then we would both go to marriage counseling. Well, he left for a total of four days, coming back to the house while I was at work to see if I had been on the computer. He found my journal and read it faithfully every day. A month to the day later, he found a new email account and went crazy again. This time he screamed and yelled names again in front of the children and called my cyber friend's wife and told her I was having an affair with her husband. For weeks he kept harassing this man, he took my cell phone and tried to page the guy, thinking he would think it was me and call. We tried the counseling and all he did was go on and on about me being unfaithful. He has hurt me, the children, and two other people he doesn't even know. I filed for divorce, and he acts like all is well. He has told our children that they are going to live in poverty and I'm to blame since he doesn't want the divorce. The emotional affair was not smart on my part, but it's not the problem. My husband claims he was upset at the time and therefor not responsible for his behavior. He now wants to try counseling again. To be honest, I am so angry and resentful right now I can't ever imagine being in love with him again. Is it me...should I try the counseling again? I am so exhausted from all of this. I just want peace.

Lonelysoul,<P>First, I am sorry that you are hurting so bad. I think infidelity whether emotional or physical is so hurtful to everyone involved.<P>Second, Maybe you did jump the gun a bit by filing for divorce. I am the betrayed and it hurts so much to think about what my H has done. I think you have to remember that your H is hurt, but is expressing it in the wrong way. <P>Maybe you should try counseling again but with a different counselor. I have not personally done the the telephone counseling thing with the Harleys, but they might be able to help both of you. Quite a few people here have been very happy with their experience with the Harleys. Also, have you read any of their books? If not, you might want to read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. I found both very helpful to try to see the spouse's side and to understand that neither my stbx or I were meeting each others needs. I have not been able to save my marriage, but my H is not interested in saving it. He is still to wrapped up in his affair. <P>If you decide to work on your marriage you must cut off all contact with the om. Otherwise, it will not work. It will be a long hard road to recovery, but it will be worth it if you can have a happy marriage for you, your spouse, and the children. This is not an impossible task just a difficult one. But then again, what in life is worth having if you don't work hard to achive it? <P>If you and your H can be civil, maybe you should sit down and talk to him. Take care and wishing you much luck with whatever you decide.<P>Tulip

Geez....I do feel your pain. I'm divorced and it is because of my affair. My ex flipped out and did some awful, awful things. A lot of them I don't even talk about because I can feel all of that pain. A love busted so bad after he found out about my affair that he caused me to actually hate him. Even now when I'm forced to be at the same place he is at I can't even look at him because he makes me physically ill. Some men do react with hate and extreme anger when they find out their wife is cheating. I knew by my ex's behavior that our marriage would not work in a million years. He is the type that never forgives and he'll die an angry bitter old man over it. The energy that I would have had to exert to try and save our marriage would never have been enough and in all honesty, I had no desire to continue in our marriage. My ex is one extreme, and then you read about men on these boards that approach their cheating spouse with compassion, understanding and a strong will to work at their marriage. Which type of man are you married too? I do have to tell you that his actions in front of your children is awful. My ex did that too and all it did is cause his children to be sickened by him too. So far all your husband seems to be doing is love busting all over the place. If he can't get his anger and emotions under control then I think your headed in the correct path. But, if he's willing to go to counseling and not only tell you he'll watch his actions in front of the kids but actually walk the talk then I guess that puts the ball back into your court doesn't it? All I can really tell you though is that I understand what your going through because I've been there, done that.