I know why I went - for my daughters. I just wish I didn't always come away with the same feeling. For the last three years, I always feel like I have no frame of reference for what the teachers are talking about. They sit there and describe 2 little girls that I don't know. I'm sure by now you're thinking "Sure you know who they are." But it's not that cut and dry.<P>They describe patterns of daily behavior that I never see. They describe habits for schoolwork and friendship habits at school that I never hear about. I try to ask my daughters to tell me about stuff, but they hardly ever tell me very much.<P>The 'coup de' gras' came when my youngest daughter's teacher was showing us a little book that each student made telling about themselves. When it came to the parts to tell about there families, she described her family as her, her sister, my W, and the OM. I wasn't even mentioned anywhere in the book. Part of me wants to ask her why, but I know I can't. That really hurt. I try to psycologically rationalise it by saying that I know that this divorce has caused confusion for her and her perceptions of what family really is. I know that she knows that I'm Daddy. But to her, I'm not family anymore.<P>In the immortal words of some famous person who died at some point in history......"That sucks!"<P>------------------<BR>Janella - "...I'll be the greatest fan of your life..."<BR>Jerry<P>

grprof:<P>I am so sorry! I can't even imagine how much seeing that little book hurt...<P>How old are your daughters? All this is so hard for small children to understand...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{grprof}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Kathi

This is probably no consolation, but I rarely recognize my kids in teacher talks either and I'm with them most of the after school hours. They say the younger one is shy--she's a fireball! And the older one is polite...oh really?<P>The other thing with the family drawing...ouch. I assume you are spending as much time with them as your visitation allows, can you do interpersonal activities that will bring out conversation and fun? Avoid movies, TV, team sports...if you want to build open communication. <P>JMHO<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

My daughters are 7 and 9. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago my youngest told me that she doesn't remember me being at home anymore (I've been gone almost three years now).<P>I don't like feeling this way. I wonder if this has anything to do with why some - DEFINITLY NOT ALL - divorced parents stop seeing their kids after a while? I'll never stop seeing them. In fact, I'd like to see them more. But I can't help wondering if the pain of separation that these people go through everytime them drop of a child just gets to the point where they can't take it anymore.<P>If you think about it, everybody experiences death and loss in their lives. When a loved one dies, there is genuine loss usually from the change in lifestyle that occurs afterward. You never get to see that person anymore. They can't offer advice, or you can't call them with the latest sports news, or you can't drop by to say hi. I remember when each of my grandparents died when I was in high school. We lived in the same city, and suddenly there was an activity that I couldn't do anymore. There was closure. It was finished.<P>Everytime I take my daughters home, I have to leave them and resume a different life than what I have when I'm with them. It's not the same as going to see a friend and such. I have to be a parent and reinforce the correct life habits in them that they don't see or get taught when they're with Mom...even something as simple as chewing food with their mouths closed. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I want my girls to grow up with manners and proper behavior.<P>So I end up dedicating a good portion of time (not the majority of time, though) to reinforcing all of that stuff. Then, when I drop them off, it's like losing a big part of me....two times a week........two time a week something inside of me dies a little bit more. I feel the pain of death and loss two times a week.<P>I can honestly say that I have never gone through pain like this in my life. Nor did I think I ever would. Having the ability to take the high moral ground on the basis of my commitment to my marriage and not cheating on my W, doesn't make any difference in how I feel. This usually only serves to make me more and more upset because I still lose in spite of it all. Does that make any sense?<P>------------------<BR>Janella - ...I could've been "the greatest fan of your life..."<BR>Jerry<p>[This message has been edited by grprof (edited April 07, 2000).]

I think it makes a lot of sense. The betrayer gets almost everything - companionship, often the financial advantages of a two adult household, and sometimes the children. There is no downside to being the betrayer, until if and when the relationship ends. <P>I am sorry that saying goodbye to your children causes you such pain. I doubt very much that my H (the betrayer) feels much pain when he leaves the kids, except those times when the youngest has cried and clung to him. That did seem to bother him. I thought at first that he never called them because it was too painful, but now I don't think that betrayers are capable of feeling many emotions other than anger.

I know it hurts when you think they don't care. Please don't give up on them. They need their father in their lives. You will give them the perspective they need to grow into fine adults. Even kids from unbroken homes wound their parents a lot. Mine are 19 and 21 and they found ways to humble me a lot!