Hi I'm new to this board but not to the problems dissused here. First off a little about my situation. I'v been seperated for 13 months after my wife told me she dident have those in love feelings for me any more, that she loved and cared for me but did not feel like a wife. When we seperated she changed from June Cleaver to one of the spice girls. Went from nice build to six pack abs, started wearing tight clothes, went tanning and got a tatoo. I'v been hopelessly been trying to have her try to take a look at herself and her actions but she's having too much fun going to clubs and hanging with her younger friends, As if she missed something. Anyhow she's 39 we have 2 children and have been together 17 years. One good thing that I'v done has been to work on myself and my relationship with myself. I have found that you cant change someone elses thinking but you can change yours. I have read 10's of thousands of pages of self help and relationship books, internet stuff and post. I feel that you can change your self which is good for the people that want to change and bad for people like me who can only hope for someone else to chang. I can tell you if you have a good husband or wife you are very lucky. Theres nothing out there but tons of bull****ters and game players as far as I'm concerned. I do see that many dwell on past wrongs and not the good things that have happened during thier marriges. I think some are narrow minded and are a little selfish, I dont feel love, I dont trust, I dont feel good, I want more! Time for a reality check! The fireworks are uasally over after 3 or 4 years. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself an honest assement on what part of those feelings or lack of are your part. Sometimes we need to take a few steps back and gain a different perspective. Why did you marrie him or her have they changed if so a lot of times for the better. Take a look at all the good qualitys your spouse has and how they feel and do for you. Try focousing on the positive things in your life due to your relationship. Always picture your mate on thier best day, no one is perfect, not even you. Get honest with yourself and stop blaming your spouse for you not feeling good, that comes from whithin your self. Then when you figure out what your really missing then go for it and take your spous with you. Even if its naked bungie jumping, I'm sure that will give you both something to get excited about! Last but not least how would you really feel if your spouse passed away or left never to see them again. Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes thats what it takes to wake up. Good luck to all here and God Bless.
<br> Ken

Thanks for making us think!

Ken/GBM
<p>Altho I am the spouse being left behind I think I will print out your post and hand it to my husband as he leaves tommorow. Your last line was the one that got me because I was having the same thoughts last nite. So I have decided since he has made the choice to find himself I was going to be calm, and give him his space. You see I beleive as I have experienced death of both my parents that the last words you say to a person as they walk out the door will carry forever. None of us knows when our time is up.....learn to cherish it....make right what is wrong....and have a clear conciense (sp?) I know I do, and will have no regrets if the most unfortunate should happen.
<p>As for each of us the instruments of our own happiness....without a doubt. If you are able to share that happiness with someone else that's the best. I have been married for 21 years and all my problems started 4 months ago. I cannot understand his ability to wipe a slate clean of all that happened prior. At one point even told me that he must have been unhappy for the past 20 years and just didn't know it. I know where that came from, because he has to justify what he has done and continually hurt/blame me but I would not accept that. We had a child, bought a house, enjoyed vacations and watching that very child grow to a beautiful young later and I will not have those memories degrades for his selfishness.
<p>Kathy

KenS,
<br>I've read your post here and on another topic. Your experience in the seperation from your wife interests me. I've been posting exclusively in "wife's not sure she wants to be married(I,II,III)" so there is were my story lies. I am left with only one option and that is to leave. My wife has expressed to me that she wants to experience the time alone. I am very hesitant for two reasons: my love for her and my 3yr old daughter. I can't afford($)to stay away for very long, maybe only a month. After I return we will evaluate our emotions and take the next step. Our relationship now is one with no passion, no high intensity of love. We treat each other in a very loving way - like a step above best friends. But she feels a wife should feel more for her husband than she does. She wants to feel this "ultimate independance". So I have agreed to give it to her and told her that I would leave, but I couldn't say just when or for how long. She told me there was no rush. I hope it will make her realize what she has and that it is worth keeping.
<br>I've set a date for myself to leave and as that day grows near, I find myself questioning if it is the right thing to do. Deep down inside I feel it is.
<br>Any helpful insights on what is in store for me.
<br>I hope thing continue to get better for you.
<br>Thanks
<br>Greg/GME

Greg,
<br> I dont feel 1 month is much time, and why are you leaving if she is the one that wants her space. Thats the one thing I regret doing is leaving and not her. All I can tell you is if you leave make sure you have an agreement as to when you will return (maybe in writing) While gone or apart have as little contact as possible, none being the best. I know how difficult it is to do but its for the best in the long run. A month may sound long but it will fly by before you know it. Do you have friend or family you could stay with? It would be much cheaper. I dont mean to make it sound easy but after 13 months apart I have learned pataience. Take it easy and dont chase, let her come to you. Write any time and good luck.
<br>Ken

Greg,
<p>I guess I can only ask what Ken has already asked....why are you the one to leave if she is the one that needs space. You see my husband will be leaving this evening....he is the one that needs space....he is the one that asked for it. I did not ask to be put in this position and I am not walking. I gave him his space with certain restrictions. He is not to enter the house without my first knowing he is coming over, and when and if he find himself in his space he may come back to either resolve his marriage or finially end our marriage. I know this sounds a bit harsh but being the offended spouse and having my life tuned upside down in a matter of 2 - 3 months I could no longer take it. But at no time did I throw him out. I was willing to work and rebuild but he wasn't.
<p>I feel for your position with your child. Separating a mother and child is hard but if she truly needs to be alone would she be willing to give it a try for a little while. As for an agreement...since you are not the one asking for space with out a doubt I would if you decide to go not only get an agreement as to when you will return but something stating that this was not your choice and is at the request of your wife. Now I know this all sounds like a bit much but reality smacked me in the face the other day when a conversation my husband had with my best friend was repeated to me.
<p>He mentioned to her that he was thinking of moving out for a little while to find himself but wanted to know whether at any point if the marriage was to ultimately be dissolved could he be held for abandonment. Quite a little shock to my system when here I was just trying to cope that he would think that far ahead. Now I am not saying your wife would do that but I do think you should protect yourself. You see what I see most on these boards is that the offended spouse is shocked and betrayed and caught up in emotions they never thought they would ever feel.....I know I am....I am also shocked by what I see in the man I love. He has done such a complete turn around that he is no longer the person I knew six months ago and have learned to steel myself to his selfishnes. I am lucky enough to have friends that I can talk to and make sure that I protect myself and daughter. I did not have the affair he did, and although I was willing to work on our marriage after that he was not.....partly because he had not ended his affair even tho he said he did. But he seems to forget that deal breaker number one in a marriage is an affair then comes the abandonment.....in closing i guess all I can say is follow your heart and if you decide to make the move truly give your wife her space but not your child.....make every moment count....children do not ask to be in this they are thrust into it. And above all protect your own interests. I wish you peace and hope all works out for you.
<p>Kathy

Ken,
<p>I read your post three times last nite and finally printed it out. I put it in my husbands suitcase and can only hope he reads it.....I hope you don't mind??!!
<p>Kathy

Ken & Kathleen,
<br>Thank you for your words of support. I know 1 month is not alot of time but I'm extremely limited in what I can afford to do, and no, I don't have any friends or family in the area that I can stay with. We are new in the area.
<br>I have a few reasons why I would rather leave for this "trial seperation". If my wife were to move to a new place, it would be a new and exciting experience filled with new sights and a feeling of a fresh start. I feel my absense would be lost in this "newness". Besides, my wife can't afford to live on her own and I don't want to uproot my daughter from her home. She could stay with me but daycare would be very difficult on her. I want my wife to be in familiar surroundings where she can truely notice that I am gone and that things are not quite the same, be it for better or worse.
<br>I don't know, maybe I'm way off thinking that any of these reasons will make a difference. This is my first time through this, hopefuly the last. I'm trying to make, what little time I can afford to stay away, have an impact. Either one way or the other.
<br>After this trial, we can make more permenant plans and agreements, if we go down that road. I pray we don't.
<p>Thanks again,
<br>Greg

Ken, Greg
<br>Thanks for what you both wrote. I have read what you wrote Ken several times. Wow, I can relate to everything you said. I keep telling myself that I have it so good, a husband who loves me deeply, my son and I are very well financially supported, my H. is great around the house and a super dad; so I look at our situation and tell myself I must be crazy - I will never have it this good again so just accept the way things are and live with it. But that doesn't solve our problem. I'm not sure what happened, but I know that we have been living as best friends since the day we got married not on an intimate level what so ever. I don't know what caused the change, if it was his controlling ways, or my lack to speak up and tell him that I was unhappy then, but here we are stuck in what seems unsolveable situation. I don't need hot steamy pation everyday, or even expect, but I have no such feelins towards him what so ever. So what now?
<br>Greg, about the seperation, (I know we were talking on another thread), it's a very scarry thought. We talked about a seperation previously, but then things just calmed down and we are back to our co-existing, non-communicating state. It's like we live on the top floor of a high rise, but all the floors under us are simply there to hold us up, we don't actually go down there to visit (that's my analogy for the evening). My 7mos old son is playing an active role in my decision making. I find it unfair to him to uproot him and move somewhere else, and I find it very difficult think of seperating him from his father. I know there is no way I can seperate myself from him. I have been with my husband since the age of 18yrs, ironically how I felt about him really started to change right after we got married. Is seperating going to help me find the answers I'm looking for? We dont' have any resentment between us right now, and I
<br>don't want to cause any trouble. How do you fix a relationship by spending time apart?
<br>Anyways, thanks to all those out there listening and writing about there situations.
<br>It's nice knowing your not alone,
<br>Nat

Nat, you are correct, this is something that will never come again. Your child will never again have the benefit of both parents fully involved in his/her life on a daily basis. What did you do to make the relationship you always wanted happen? There are many things to do to "revisit" the passion of yesterday. I recommend reading "The Myth of Romantic Love", sorry i forget the author. It explains that the love your looking for is more infatuation than anything real. Real love is work, and as long as the two individuals are committed to each other anything is possible. I'm sorry if if I come across as kind of angry on this subject, but i am dealing with the probable break up of a 11 yr, 2 great kid marriage for the same weak, noncommitted, selfish reasons. Don't give in to this without pursuing it to your furthest. If nothing else, you OWE IT to your son. He deserves his whole family. My apologies, Mike J