Well, I see Lor here taking on the burden of being both betrayer and betrayed - which I must say I never ever considered her. And it makes me feel a little guilty that I haven't shared the WHOLE story of why I am here and not still in Plan A.<P>A few weeks ago, I ... deepened a relationship with a male acquaintence I've known for about a year. We are just good friends, because he is seeing someone, but he has been so good to me, and so appreciative of me that I suddenly realized that I was worth more than what I had been feeling like. Yes, something more than friendship DID pass between us briefly, but we are ok with that now. I care a great deal about him and he cares a great deal about me. Someday, maybe, there could be more, but at the moment, I am grateful to him for helping me to realize my own worth.<P>A great weight has lifted from me in making the decision to get on with my life. I am 40 years old and statistically, my prospects are not great for finding a new relationship, although without kids I am slightly better off. I am okay alone, but I love to share my caring with a special person. My friend is pretty special and he knows that should he ever decide to leave his current relationship (not a marriage or committed in any formal way), I would be more than willing to have him in my life as more than a friend. It is one of the most unique relationships I have ever had - he is pretty special.<P>I don't want anyone to think ill of me - my husband has been absent from our marriage for the majority of it, and I did all I could do to make it work. If he wants/needs a slug for a lover, more power to him. I am better than that. She is still a disgusting pig - and he isn't even someone I would choose to be friends with at this point. What is left? Nothing for me ... moving on...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri,<P>I suspected that there was an attentive male in the picture, as you very subtly once referenced him in a recent post of yours.<P>Has your H noticed the change in your attitude yet? I have always felt that if you were able to detach a bit from him, it might wake him up. I think he is still very connected and attached to you, much more than he realizes. And that the very real threat of actually losing you, would alter the dynamics of your relationship in your favor.<P>And, it is not an posture that can be faked, so I would think he is probably stunned by the difference in your attitude. Ironically, since it is not a ploy, you may not want him back now!<P>It will be interesting to see how things go for the next 6 months or so. It will take that long for him to believe you've really changed how you feel.<P>Have you done anything about the legal seperation, or a letter to him?<P>One thing I find interesting, is how this new guy is also involved with someone else for his primary relationship. Do you think this is because you feel safer this way? <P>But, it sounds like a good way for you to start testing the waters of being yourself again. <P>I think that your H is NOT going to like the idea that HE is not your main focus any more. And, I think he is going to miss you like crazy...which serves him right!<P>Good luck.<P>~skye~

skye ...<P>I am grinning here - I never knew if anyone thought twice about that post. Yes, that was him - and that was me...<P>I had actually begun to detach from my husband before the change in my relationship with my friend, although I do have to say that we were (my friend and I) communicating regularly for a while now. After a week of my going from contacting him (husband) at least 3-5 times a week to contacting him zero times, my husband called me 3 times in one week. I have seen my friend more often than I've seen my husband, and I haven't initiated contact with my husband more than once in the last month - and that was to request him to look into separate vehicle insurance for himself.<P>I haven't moved much further toward legal separation - life has been quite busy, and I have had very little free time to pursue any avenues in that regard. I have made quite a few little steps - removing the rings, taking down the pictures, telling people I work with and people in my family that I have taken off the rings. But I haven't stopped moving - I have also begun to pack up things of his that I want out of my house and I have to tell him that soon.<P>As for whether or not I would want him back ... there would have to be so many changes and so much work on his part - I am not sure he is capable of it. He would have to win me over in a very very big way - more than he would if we were just meeting for the first time. He has shown no signs of being interested in reconciliation, just in being "buddies" - but that's not what I signed on for and I'm tired of it. I can be buddies with other friends and not have to worry about having my face rubbed in the infidelity of my husband.<P>You're right - it really isn't a posture that can be faked. The only way to give the appearance of letting go, is to really let go. And, if he suddenly discovers he misses having me in his life, well, I think at this point it might be too late.<P>Everyone has remarked at how "healthy" I sound and look and act. I feel like I have a whole new life - I am an intelligent, fun, witty, talented, sexy, warm, giving and loving woman ... and I can't believe that I forgot that for so long! I have places to go, people to see and things to accomplish! I can't say that I don't sometimes still cry for my lost marriage - and I can't say that I don't still miss the man I married... but I don't miss the marriage I have been in for the past few years, and I don't miss the man I was with during them. And the idea of never having children does make me very sad - but it's really so incredibly freeing to say "I am not doing this anymore. I have done ALL I could do to save this marriage. I am better than this, I deserve better than this. And I am moving FORWARD!"<P>Heck, maybe I'll crash and burn in a month or two - but I don't think so. Cry and mourn, yes ... but I'm going to be OK.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Forgot to address your other question:<P>"One thing I find interesting, is how this new guy is also involved with someone else for his primary relationship. Do you think this is because you feel safer this way?"<P>I don't think I feel safer at all. Our single "tryst" was something neither of us had planned - originally we were just going to spend some real-life time together (since we live only about 1 mile apart) instead of instant messaging on the computer. I have always liked him and he makes me laugh - I needed that. What amazes me is that I am so much more mature than I'd even realized - let's face it - I was 26 when my husband and I first met. That isn't very old and I've always been a little "behind" in emotional maturity anyway... At that time in my life, I would have been devastated that my friend didn't want more than friendship. But, due to the things I've learned about myself and about relationships, I CAN step away from this and be just friends.<P>So ... safer, I don't think that's it. I think that is just a coincidence.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri-<P> As you take your new path...I'm glad to see that you have met someone who validates you and a whole and good person. <P>I hope all is well with you. Remember...you still have affirmations that you can recount each and every single day...<P>As you start each day remember that you...<P>Awaken in gratiutde and appreciation<BR>Are a healthy person<BR>Are entitled to joy<BR>Have the right to sexual pleasure<BR>Are entitled to do work that you love<BR>Have the right to get paid what you are worth<BR>Entitled to prosperity and abundance<BR>Entitled to a lasting, loving relationship<BR>Have confidence in yourself<BR>Have faith in God<P>mrrlk

Hi Terri,<BR>It's no fun being on both sides, is it? But there is a degree of understanding that comes, lessons learned. Lessons nobody in their right mind would want to learn, or should.<P>You might crash and burn. Since I ended contact with my EA, I've gained 10 pounds. Even though that was part of the weight I lost through my H's affair, I still didn't want it back. I'm not crashing, but, I'm doing as well as I'd like, either.<P>Best wishes, you've always got my support.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Lor,<P>No, it isn't fun ... but I'm not having ANY guilt about my marriage. I am, in this instance, the Other Woman, I guess... And THAT doesn't feel good - Another reason for accepting that he wants to be friends. I didn't enter into this "relationship" with the intent to hurt anyone. While his is not a marriage, nor is it a formally committed relationship in any way, it is a relationship and I must respect how he feels about it.<P>I can't help but feel, however, that some power dropped him into my life to kick me in the behind so I could get ON with my life. You know, like a bolt of lightning or something Striking once ... changing lives ... moving on...<P> We'll be ok, Lor - remember that we are incredible human beings. We are sensual, intelligent women - and that's a wonderful thing!<P> <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri,<BR>Good to hear you so upbeat, it is difficult to understand just how hard Plan A is for those of us who have been betrayed. It is a very lonely and isolated feeling, knowing the affections are with someone else. <BR>I guess I never thought of Lor being a betrayer, just someone who questioned their marriage and was looking for a way back. We havw all been there, and it is hard when your love banks are completely empty. In fact I even wondered if i had one left to fill!!<BR>But I do...I have been dating a great guy...it is so nice to know that I still can have those feelings! <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I think of myself as a betrayer because that is what Guard thinks of me. I've questioned whether if it is the same kind of betrayal when your spouse has left you...and you start to see someone. The truth is as I told Simply J, if we're married people, it does make it wrong. The guy I was seeing said it wasn't like I was going home to my husband and baking him cookies. He felt my divorce began the second my H walked out on me...and since he really didn't know me until the 6th separation, and when I hit a 7th separation, he said the gloves were off. (Y'all are sitting there wondering if I was wearing gloves, aren't you? Probably... I live in the on the edge of nothern nowhere USA.)<P>When does divorce begin? The affair? Separation? Papers served? Papers filed? Divorce final? I think any of us struggle with this. Papers served felt like that would be it, but now...I don't know. Guard is acting like my husband, and if you've got a husband, you might just be married . Of course for a long time, he didn't act like my husband...and it just confuses me and this is probably too confusing a post for anyone to follow my just-about logic.

Terri,<P>You know you and Lor have support here and I hate to see either of you have the thought that you are now betrayers too.<P>The HUGE difference I see is that you are not sneaking around. You are not telling lies. You are not going home to husbands and treating them like crap. You have no need to connect with these new men by complaining of a bad marriage. That's what infidels do, not you and Lor. Your husband's had affairs and lost you. That's the chance they took, the choice they made.<P>The path your grief has taken is yours, yours alone. I am so very happy for you that you're on the "brighter" side of the loss. <P>Go for it, go for it ALL.