2 1/2 years ago my wife said she didn't like sex. I said OK and tried to please her with<BR>alot of non sexual physical contact. Nothing changed much. She seldom initiated sex, and when she did, it was always a verbal, "Do you want to fool around now?" Six months after that, I talked to her about how unspontaneous our sex life was, and she said, "I don't like sex, I am only horny once a month." I responded "That's OK, but I don't know when that time is, so its up to you to tell me."<BR>Her response was "I will do it if I can find the time for you." and walked out of the room.<P>Since then, I have not found much time for her, and she says she tried, but with no avail. When I told her of the comment she<BR>made, she didn't remember. Her attempts at<BR>sex only come on her summer vacation (she is a teacher).<P>The comment about finding the time for me<BR>was true beofre then as she works during the<BR>day as a teacher, 2-3 nights a week plus one Sat night a month at school, required, and<BR>volunteers as an EMT on the other nights.<P>So I took the "find the time comment very seriously, and unfortunately, reciprocated<BR>by not finding the time for her.<P>That was shortened H version. Now she wants a divorce as the only way to solve her lack<BR>of intimacy with me. I waivered, agreed sometimes, but mostly said I do not want one,<BR>but if you do, do it when the kids are on summer vacation. So now she is currently<BR>waiting for summer vacation, (got her to slow down), and she has been acting out the single<BR>life, bars and drinking, (never would with me), etc.<P>After it began tearing her up inside, she almost drive through red light after a family breakfast, I convinced her to see a therapist. However, she is resolved with the<BR>therapist that there is no other way.<P>So I sleep in the back bedroom, the s(11) and <BR>d (8) have been told that mom&dad are having troubles, and the kids are very difficult to live with.<P>I have definately been a work aholic, but changed as soon as she said whe wanted the D.<BR>At the same time, I finally got my big promotion that I was working on.<P>My question is, do I use the love you smothering approach, or the Harvey, give her the rope approach? She knows I love her, admits that, but also the values of the liberal left teacher are smashing into the<BR>conservative right business man.<P>Current probability of reconciliation, 1%.<BR>House is W employer provided, and W employer<BR>has asked to her to move to a new house.<BR>She insists that I will not be allowed to move there. Has told her boss that I will not be moving there.<P>still get hugs and kisses in the morning<BR>and before bed.<P>I am very confused. Need som interpretation.<BR>Have been lied to about OM, but still insists no sexual activity.<P>sorry for the length, both of us are at fault<BR>as we both have not communicated clearly, but she has always communicated backwards, or indirectly, and will admit to it.<BR>

When I...,<P>Sorry to hear of your dilemma. I can't comment on the reason for her behavior, but I can see that there are definete issues with her and intimacy. If you are THAT busy and too busy for your spouse, than there is a real problem, especially with a teacher. I know a few teachers and let me tell you they have way MORE time than I'll ever have.<P>I see she finds the time to live the single life too, that is not impressive if she couldn't find time for you.<P>Are you planning on trying to save the marriage? If so , you might get more answers over on the general questions board, because I think those of us here, have come to the realization that its over.<P>Update us a little more if you can. Was she this way in the beginning of the relationship? What happened that she stopped liking intimacy? Maybe something in her childhood she doesn't remember? Just curious?<P>Good luck and at least you have some time til summer to work on this some more.<P>Dana<BR>

WhenI,<P>You both need to go to counseling together. Your situation is near mine in ages of children and lack of time together. Our sex life was down to once every six weeks when she initiated it. I never initiated it because of numerous turn downs because I didn't approach her the right way. I lost interest also because of her moodiness. An angry woman doesn't turn me on.<P>It sounds like your w may have turned to someone else for the companionship she should have with you. Thats what happened in my case. <P>Due to her working afternoon shifts and every other weekend and me traveling when she wasn't working we just kind of grew apart.<P>I wouldn't let her have her rope, read the attached articles with the website and it will help you decide what direct you need to take.<P>Bob

She refuses as she states whe wants the<BR>marriage to end. She went with me once<BR>to my therapist, and I go this morning to<BR>see how he interprets this.<P>She gets plenty of rope this summer if<BR>she doesn't change, as she won't let me into<BR>the new house.<P>You didn't mention the outcome of your situation. How did yours turn out?<P>thanks

to lonely mom<P>unfortunately we have been through some<BR>very good times, andsome very bad times.<BR>She told me that she hates initiating sex<BR>as she might get turned down, but she<BR>also only asks when the situation<BR>allows a quickie.<P>She comes from a dysfunctional family <BR>where the parents treat everyone like<BR>children. She is bulimic, and has a short<BR>temper.<P>I can't have a good discussion with her<BR>father because if I disagree with him, he<BR>takes it personally, and stops talking.<P>we had a dramatic change in lifestyle 10 years ago, and she has NO FRIENDS in her position to relate to. Her closest woman <BR>friend doesn't like her all that much, but<BR>just divorced her husband, and adopted a<BR>chinese baby as a single mom. I think<BR>she sees that as so strong, that if her friend can do it, so can she. And there<BR>sex has a major problem.<P>Also, she was told by her grandmother that<BR>"men only want sex", and although somtimes<BR>that is true, it is not always the case.<P>The lifestyle change was from my 7 months a<BR>year vacation, no kids, to grad school,<BR>(an affair by me when our first child came)<BR>and my working to almost recover from being<BR>broke with a house and a 1 year old and<BR>no work for a year.<P>We worked past the affair, and did fine, until whe became an EMT, and thinks she is<BR>on call 24 hours a day. She wouldn't even<BR>turn the radio off one day so we could<BR>have uninterupted bedroom time. EMT have some very bad experiences, and have EMT<BR>support groups to turn to, and she has turned<BR>to that alot.<P>Rightfully so, but the emts she works with <BR>are mostly single women, and male day to day laborers who have wives and girlfriends,<BR>so these are the poeple whe is looking to <BR>for emotional support.<P>I said one we could both be emts, drive our<BR>own truck to the scenes, and she said no,<BR>I would always be afraid that you would take over. Unfortunately, she competes in our<BR>marriage in some places.