It still amazes me that H thought he could just walk out of a long marriage and not be required to pay alimony or child support.<BR>Courts did award me both. As well as sole legal custody. If and when H moves back closer to our son I really don't have a problem with joint, but for now I think it is in the best interest of our son.<BR>He wrote me a letter asking if I was happy now?<BR>Money does not make me happy. It will help us survive and move forward, keep a roof over our heads and give us the neccesities, but Happy. NO.<BR>Happy would be to have our family together again. He still doesn't see that. <BR>He says he never will talk to me again.<BR>Well he can not talk to someone for along time. So it will proably happen, just pretty sure he will exclude his son in that. I hope not but whenever he's mad at me, he doesn't call our son. Who is this going to hurt most?You guessed it? Our Son. <BR>Oh well just wanted to update everyone.<BR>I knew it would come to this and tried to get him to see what would happen but I guess the other spouse can't see the real world.<BR>This is real life....!!!!<P>

I am sorry that not only did your h fight not to pay, but you and your son are being "blamed"<P>Unfortunately, IMHO , many infidels (usually male as they are traditionally the higher earners) especially in long term marriages, believe that their financial responsibility to their "former family" is null and void and since in their mind, money is power, they need it all for the power they believe it gives them.<P>IMHO, the fantasy over the finances is also tied into the infidelity...if they cannot sort out the realities here as it is all fantasy, then the financial part is also tied in to the fantasy...the more they have means they have more power and more prestige and how sad this is in my opinion.<P>I believe my H's fantasy re the finances and his lack of responsibility and sense of entitlement was even greater than his fanatsy with ow........he wanted it all...ow, his money, my money, a holiday home which I had bought the month prior to the affair beginning.<P>So far despite court motions to stop me selling it, I was allowed to sell the holiday home which is now gone...H wanted it (refused to buy it at a fair price from me) and is furious as he considered it "his home and I would be able to keep the house (which I paid for) and he would keep his company and I would pay for all the kids education and all other expenses. <BR>Courts have ruled 3x already in my favour on an interim basis for spousal support, child support and educational support...so all H has is the ow and many more court motions. He can keep ow....but not the financial fantasy.<P>How pathetic that he also cannot understand that money eases life, it does not make one happy...and he will never believe this and will be angry that I "stifled" his dream of what should have been in his "fantasy"<P>They do not get life in so many ways, it is really very sad.<BR>And yes, the kids lose out all around.......

Tyra...<P>I'm far from where you are...<BR>...I'd like to be even farther...<P>...but I'm taking steps toward your direction (gender roles reversed)...<P>I pray your H sees the consequences of his actions...<P>Prayers to you... <P>Jim

Tyra,<BR>The whole affair thing must cloud ALL rational thought. My x and her lawyer floated a proposal that she not pay any child support and I wouldn't have to pay her any alimony. She later agreed to child support, but low balled her income. Finally I agreed to her using her income from 1998 as bases for child support. SHe actually made $4000 more last year.<P>She still threatens to cut her hours and to go back and file for alimony. I don't care about the child support as I am trying to save it. As for the alimony, my lawyer said she probably wouldn't have been eligible as she makes a liveable wage working parttime and could get additional hours. HEr comeback is there are no nursing jobs at her hospital. She doesn't seem to understand that she could work elsewhere or do something else besides nursing.<P>As for alimony now, my lawyer said now that we are divorced, she is done and can't refile. She is an independendent woman like she wanted to be.

Tyra,<P>I expect my H to be just like your H if spousal support is ordered. He thinks that just because I'm only 30 yrs old that I don't need it. He doesn't think about me being a SAHM for 10 1/2 years. Plus in my state, the conduct of the spouses is taken into consideration (domestic violence, adultery, etc...)<P>Don't feel bad about getting something from him to help you survive financially.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<P>Mitzi

Tyra,<P>I am so sorry your H is in la-la land. What a jerk! I'm sorry, but how can anyone father or give birth to a child and expect when they no longer want the responsibility, that they can just walk away? That is unbelievable to me. I have to say, my H is not doing these things. In fact, he offered to pay alimony, more child support than is required, etc. Of course, I am also being VERY generous with visitation, but he is a very good father - just a lousy H. I think his guilt motivates him somewhat, but I think he also doesn't want to lower the kids' standard of living. And he has really tried to spend lots of time with them. Of course, he thinks they won't be adversely affected by our divorce as long as he is financially supporting us and gets plenty of visitation. That's HIS fantasy. Regardless of how "amicable" the divorce is, the kids are going to be hurt by all this. I am trying to be as friendly as possible, but there are times I just can't take it. At least my H isn't completely shirking his responsibilities. I just wonder how OW is going to like it when she moves here and realizes over 1/2 his take home pay goes to me and the kids, and he has the kids about 40% of the time. She's 35, been married twice and has no children. It should be an interesting show.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<P>It is amazing isn't it? I was very liberal with my H seeing the kids. He worked out of town all week and I would call him when he got back and tell him that he could see the boys anytime he wanted over the weekend. He would see them for about an hour every other weekend. I even told him he could call anytime. Then he quit coming around and giving me any support at all. Now, he'll just have to go by what the court orders which may not be much visitation at all. I hope that one day he wakes up and realizes the mess he's made in the boys' lives. <P>Mitzi

Tyra,<P>It sounds like you got an awesome deal in this. I remember when you were asking about this a few weeks ago.<P>MY STBX gets furious with me whenever the court orders him anything, but it happened, and he still refuses to pay. <P>Sorry that he will be so immature that he won't talk to you for a while, but at least the positive to it, is that you can have some freedom and peace without him. <P>Keri and Mitzi, Hi ladies,<BR>Dana<BR>

H is still very upset. I'm in shock at his words that "what you're doing to me is cruel".<BR>I didn't do this to him, he did it to himself. <BR>I guess no contact from me is really best.<BR>I thought by starting to communicate it would make things better, instead it has only made things worse. I guess because he wants to put the blame on all of this on someone and I've been chosen.<BR>If I would just have let him go, asked for nothing, and allowed him to continue hurting me. Do what he pleased when he pleased with whomever he pleased. Then he would have been "Happy".<BR>Not, he has been doing those things and he's still not happy. <BR>Letting go of a marriage that was so good is so hard. Now it is so bad.The person he has become is NOT someone I would have chosen for an H. I guess since that is the person that he is now, not who he was, I must let go of my dream of him coming back to his ole self and move on. <BR>Very good time for a solid plan B. My Love bank is running on empty...<P>

Tyra,<BR>I can remember how my H was after we went to court and he was ordered to pay child support and alimony. He also was infuriated! He said that he was going to quit his job, he was never going to talk to me again, he was leaving and I would never see him again, ect. ect. ect..<P>But its like this... he wasn't mad at me, he was mad at himself! And I am sure that is alot of what is wrong in your situation too. It is hard for them to see what reality really is in this kind of situation. This is a really big part of reality.<P>Hang in there. Chances are he will get over it as soon as he gets done kicking himself in the rear for what he has done. And whether you realize it or not, you would be better off not hearing from him until he does get over it and so will be your son.<P>Hang in there. <BR>Genie

Genie , I hope you are right. It makes sense. <BR>I know he is angry with himself also. He told our son on Monday evening "I guess I have to start sending you guys some money NOW!" I'm going to make sure your mom sees that this money is for YOU.I'm going to put for (son's name ) on the check.<BR>I just hope he doesn't start harressing son about the support. <BR>He usually calls on Thurs. so we will see if he calls our son tomorrow.<BR>I agree until he does get over this anger it is best that I don't speak to him. <BR>I just hope he is ok.<BR>I'll keep you posted. <BR>How long did it take your H to get over being angry about the support?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Tyra (edited April 13, 2000).]

Tyra,<BR>I am glad to hear about the support you were awarded. I agree with Genie. He will calm down in a bit. He is mad at himself. He got himself into this mess with his lack of integrity and deep down he knows this. They ALL know this. It is just that when outside influences like courts, do this it acknowledges that it is their fault and they don't want to look at themselves. He will cool off.<BR>Don't talk to him for awhile. Wait until he calls you, if he is still combative don't respond to it and tell him you won't accept his hostility.<BR>Love on your son and know that you did nothing to deserve his attitude. Karma bites. He is just starting to find that out!<BR>Take care, <BR>Lisa

Tyra,<BR>I'm amazed at what I am reading here. Do these H's out there have attorney's ? Child support is the LAW ! Plain and simple. Spousal maintenance, if qualified is also the LAW ! Plain and simple. These jerks should get acquainted with the internet and do some researching because they look stupid. Do they not know that the custodial parent does not have to show where that child support money goes !

Yes I know and you know, but when H are in lala land they think it doesn't apply to them.<BR>I just posted an answer to you regarding your question. I wish my H would realize his mistakes and would give me a chance to rebuild our marriage like you want to. I think if he doesn't read anything ,of the consequence of his behaviour, he thinks it will just go away. I just heard from him this am, wanted to know what I planned to do about filing taxes. Since I am on disability I don't have to file my S.S.D. benefits. So now he is concerned the IRS will be after him. <BR>He only contacts me and tries to be civil when it benifets him. That is not the actions from someone that wants to make this marriage work. I read a book on getting Divorced " How to Divorce without ruining your Life" That and through my attorney is how I am proceeding. ( Given me many suggestions) H as far as I know will not read anything on either saving or ending the marriage.It's funny because he spent soooooo much time on the computer and found and e-mail ow and now says I don't go on the computer hardly at all. Well now he should because there is alot of information to help if you want it. (Key words "IF YOU WANT IT")<BR>so I'm glad you are trying to get help. Even if I'm right and you are the betrayer. You H's need help too.<BR>My best to you and I hope I can pick your brain sometimes about the other side of this mess and try to understand how my H could do this and still continue. Hope it will not be too late for either one of us. The more hurts, the harder you will have to work. <BR>For both of us.<BR>Good Luck<BR>Tyra