I've decided to file for divorce from my Husband of 14yrs. He came home Sunday night at about 9pm after being gone since Saturday afternoon. He came home drunk, after bailing his brother out of jail for a DWI. He was verbally abusive to me, and banging the walls, and yelling because I got mad at him for being so inconsiderate. I told him that night I wanted a divorce, he said "you know it will be messy". I asked him why, and if he wanted to make it messy. He said no, but "you know it's going to be messy". I was hoping he'd try and reconcile, or apologize since Sunday. He's acting as if nothing ever happened. He's still home, and we sleep in seperate rooms. I've made up my mind to do this, I'd just like some advice on how to handle one of the first big hurdles, asking him to move out. Any help you can give me will be greatly appreciated.<P>thanks

Jodi Lee,<P>I don't have any advice on how to ask him to move out. My H moved out on his own. <P>I did want you to know that I also dealt with an abusive alcoholic and it's not a good life. I guess it is possible for them to change if they get the help that they need, but my H isn't willing to do that at this time.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<P>Mitzi

Jodi Lee,<BR>Maybe the first step would be contacting a support group like alanon. They can help with dealing with his problems.<BR>He is saying all that crap about it being messy because he wants to scare and control you. He is afraid you will no longer take his abuse. Don't ever try to talk to him while he is drunk. It will do you no good. His family sounds like a problem. I have a BIL that caused problems in our marriage too. That is just another problem that adds to this mess. They enable each other. Probably get together and blame everyone but themselves. <BR>I think if you should also consult an attorney and get all your ducks in order. When you ask him to get out, be ready to call 911 if he gets abusive. Or just run out of the house and go to a neighbors and call police. He may be calm and go without a fight. Pick the time when he isn't drunk or in a terrible mood. Try to talk to him reasonably that it isnt working for you anymore and you want out of the marriage. <BR>Also, are you sure you really want a divorce? If he was willing to get help for the drinking and go to marriage counseling would you work with him? If yes, then maybe that should be your approach first. Talk to alanon and a counselor, they can help you to deal with all of this if thats the route you would prefer.<BR>Let us all know what you decide. We care.<BR>Lisa<P>

<BR>Thank you for your caring advice. I will use it. I have suggested he get help for his alcohol problem, he doesn't think it's that bad, and sometimes it isn't, but when he goes out to drink, he doesn't know when to quit. I've also initiated the marriage counselling before, and we did go. We had a bad experience, she ended up trying to antagonize us against each other. He refuses to try again. I have to agree with you about want to scare and control me with the threat of a messy divorce, he can be vengeful for sure. I don't really want to divorce, but he doesn't want to do anything to make solid changes, he just gives empty promises and breaks them without any apology. We haven't spoken since Sunday. You would think if he wanted things to work, he'd say something, instead of acting like nothing ever happened. Which he always does.<P>I have an appointment with the lawyer today, and I plan on getting in touch with a counselor. <P>The hard part is going to ask him to leave, I know him, he thinks if he just stays where he is and says nothing, it'll blow over and we'll move on. I'm just tired of doing that.<P>Thank you again for your advice and concern.

Jodi -<P>If your H won't leave voluntarily, check with your local police dept and see if you can get a temporary restraining order on the grounds of mental cruelty. Just knowing you have the right to do this, might get your H to leave on his own.

Jodi,<P>My friend had a similar situation. Her husband had an alcohol and drug dependency. He had done every imaginable wrong thing possible. He had multiple DWI tickets, was on probation. He robbed their bank accounts and credit cards to buy drugs. He mentally abused her for years. I never understand why she put up with it. She had a good job, is a wonderful person and has a wonderful son. But somehow, she always kept the financial picture firmly in her mind and took every step possible to protect herself. Last fall, it all came to a head. he became violent and she called the police. This threaten his probation. A friend bailed him out and he stayed away for a few days. Then, a possible miracle happen. He cleaned himself up, started attending Alcohol Anonymous, and church. It's been about 4 months and he hasn't backtracked. I still think it's only a possible miracle because I've never known anyone to go off drugs and alcohol completely cold turkey.<P>Protect yourself. Separate your bank accounts and credit cards. Talk to a lawyer if necessary to determine what you can do to protect yourself and your finances from an alcoholic spouse. Remember that you will never convince him that he is an alcoholic (it's like trying to tell a smoker that nicotine will kill them. They just don't get it.) Until something happens to him, all you can do is emphasize to him that you care for him but you won't be a co-dependent victim of his addiction.<P>Also check the divorce laws for your state. Texas has some clause in the divorce law that says if a spouse knowingly assists police in the arrest of the their partner, then the arrest or conviction cannot be used as grounds for divorce. This clause prevented my friend from being able to turn her husband in for violations of his probation. It wasn't until he got violent and could be arrested for assault to her that she could have used the assault as a reason for divorce. I think this basically means that you can't premeditate a reason for divorce.