<BR>Ok...Friday afternoon is my first hearing to determine support, visitation, etc...temporary stuff.<P>As you all know, my H was/is very abusive (physically and verbally). In the past, I was the one who was on the receiving end of this treatment. He wasn't mean to the boys. But now that he will have visitation, I worry that his anger at me may be directed toward them. <P>So, I know a lot of things about the OW (illegal). and my H is an alcoholic and is also a heavy marijuana user. I have asked that the visitations be restricted so that the OW cannot be around my kids. <P>The question is...should I make it known to the courts that my H is a drug user in order to have temporary supervised visitations? I just want to make sure that my kids are going to be safe. If the visits aren't supervised and only restricted, he can do anything he wants with them except for take them around the OW. And I really don't trust him to stay clean and sober when he has them. I just don't want it to seem like I'm being vindictive. I also don't want him to get mad and not spend any time with the boys.<P>What do you all think?<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi <P>

Hey Mitzi,<P>I would talk to your lawyer. He might suggest supervised visitation. I would not allow my kids any where near my H if he was doing something illegal.<P>This man does not need any consideration from you from how he has treated you. I am sorry.....I know you loved him.....BUT my dad was a drunk, and hit on my M. I know what it is like.<P>My sisters and brother prayed that my M would get rid of him. He had an affair also and I have a half brother.<P>My M remarried to a wonderful man who adopted all of us and raised us. It was my step dad who walked us girls down the ailse at our weddings, held our children ect.<P>DO NOT worry about him, he is not worried about you, BUT take care of yourself and your kids.<P>I hope this is good advice...it is a touchy subject for me because of what I have been through.<P>Praying for you!

M3K,<P>I am going to mention it too my lawyer.<P>I'm not really worried about upsetting my H. I worry about my MIL. She has been so good to me and the boys since all of this happened. I don't want her to think bad of me for it. I know she should understand since I'm only thinking of the welfare of her grandchildren. But he is her son. You know how mothers are. <P>Thanks for the advice,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<BR>Tell your lawyer about all of this. Your H is doing something illegal. Your boys should not be subjected to this. You aren't doing this to hurt him. It is to do the right thing for your sons. He needs to get his life together. He can't be what your sons need if he is this messed up. If he want deal with his problems than that is his loss. Do not let it be your kids.<BR>You have done all you could do. You have given him so many chances and been so willing to forgive. He is stupid and can't see that. You don't have to think twice about keeping them away from him and that tramp. She is as messed up as him. That is what attracted them to each other like moths to a light.<BR>Continue being strong and I'll be praying for you and your boys.<BR>Lisa <BR>

Mitzi-<P>Another suggestion...you also my want to talk with a therapist that specializes in youth/children type of practice.<P>Explain the whole situation about what kind of environment the children grew up in...and what concerns you have about your H behavior and their exposure to it.<P>This may help you understand and be alerted to many areas that you will need to focus on and think about as you move forward relative to your children and their Father and his negative behavior/s.<P>How are you doing? You seem so in control and in charge and feeling good about the new "Mitzi". You have made some bold decisions. You really seem to be doing very well.<P>mrrlk

Mitzi,<P>You know your priority is to protect your children. Do whatever you have to do to protect them. Consult with your lawyer first, but if I was in your situation, I would tell the court about your H's drug and alcohol abuse. <P>Not telling is enabling him to go on abusing. He will probably get very angry, but it may also force him to confront his problem. After all, his drug abuse is his problem, and he has to deal with it.<P>God bless,<BR>Kenneth

Lisa,<P>I had thought about not bringing it up in court unless I have to. Regardless of how he is, my kids do want to see him. I don't want to completely take away his visitation rights, I just want them supervised for a while and give him time to get his act together. Of course, that may never happen.<P>But, I am talking to my lawyer about it today. Maybe he can give me some advice about it.<P>mrrlk,<BR>How am I doing? I'm a basket case! No, seriously, I'm just nervous about the hearing. I just wish I could see into the future and know the outcome! I do feel more in control, but I think that's because I haven't seen him in 2 months. Now I think I understand how withdrawal is for a betrayer. I think I went thru something similar with my H. <P>I have been doing some checking on counseling for me and the boys. I'm ok for now, but I think after the hearing, I'm going to need to talk to someone. I think it may be too hard for me to get completely thru this on my own. The sad part is, my kids are going thru basically the same thing my H went thru with his father. And I don't want my boys to grow up and behave like this to their families.<P>Thanks for the input,<BR>Mitzi

Kenneth,<P>We were posting at the same time! <P>I have already told my lawyer about everything except the drug abuse. But I am going to talk to him about that today. I'm trying to think of it as not enabling, get him to face the consequences of his behavior. It's also possible the courts could order him to go to drug and alcohol counseling in order to hae visits with the kids. I think that would be the best outcome.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

I don't think telling the courts that your H is a drug user is being vindictive. It is a fact, and it merits consideration when discussing custody. <P>My sister's ex husband is most certainly involved in some sort of mafia type activity. A "hit man" came to his house, shot him, and beat up his wife. He claims it was one of his business "partners". Fortunately, my niece was not there at the time to witness that or maybe even be shot herself!! My sister is now in the process of gaining full custody (it was joint before). <P>When people are engaged in illegal activity, one never knows how bad it will get...Please protect your kids.

TS,<P>I wonder now why I even asked the question <P>I guess I just needed reassured that I would be doing the right thing. And I know that I will.<P>I hope things turn out good for your sister. It doesn't sound like it should be too hard for her to get full custody! <BR>Thanks for the reassurances,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,Mitzi,Mitzi. 1st of all, do not worry about the custody hearing. Your attorney will do all the talking for the most part. I remember when I went throught that and I was as nervous as you were only because of the unknown ! As you may or may not know from my past posts, I am trying to seriously attempt a last ditch reconcilliation with "the bride" after a year and a half through court dates and lawyer visits. It's hell ! I've now see where I %@&$!% up and hopefully "the bride" will see it in her heart to forgive.<P>As to your husbands marijuana use. You would be neglecting your children's safety and well being if you did not bring this behavior out in court. Not to mention the drinking no less. Imagine him with overnight visitation on a weekend. Couple of beers, maybe a shot or two and top it off with a tightly rolled joint to celebrate the weekend. "OK kids, lets go for a ride to the store before they close !"<P>I can only guess, but your H is going to deny it to the hilt along with his sly attorney. You must remember too, that each and every court date is important. Dot all your I's and cross all your T's. Also remember this, think of this as a movie and the lawyers are actors. The courtroom is their stage. When the movie is over everyone goes home. Some go home with a smile that there was something accomplished and some go home with a frown that they had something that is now lost. Protect those kids.<BR>Please let me know what's happening. Also you can e-mail me at jhg59@aol.com.<BR>

John,<P>My H is going to deny EVERYTHING! He's trying to blame all of this mess on me, and in the beginning I believed it. NOT ANY MORE! I'm not the one with the alcohol and drug problems. Not to mention the violent temper. I'm not a saint by any means but far from the type he is. <P>I don't think I'll have to worry about the overnight visits. The OW is "shady" character. A man was shot because she dated 2 men at the same time. I'm hoping that's enough to restrict the visitations but if it's not, I also have witnesses to the fact that she sells drugs. That will be brought up.<P>I guess I am worried about the unknown. I'm also anxious to see what he thinks he has to use against me. Not a thing from where I sit.(He filed under cruel and inhuman treatment! LOL) <P>Thanks for the encouragement,<P>Mitzi

Mitzi,<BR>Try and obtain a criminal background check on this OW. She may have a record. It's a public document and you can get it if there is one available. Ask your attorney. Any ammunition if better than no ammunition.<BR>Keep me posted. <smile><BR>

My attorney is already working on everything. I have been gathering info on divorce and custody for a while now and was very educated and prepared when I went to see my attorney. My attorney also has a PI that does work for him. And my H's attorney is an idiot. I think I'll do ok. <P>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>I am in agreement with TheStudent Do tell the courts about the aleged drug use and the abuse you have suffered. Visitation restrictions is part of the tab he will have to pay for his lifestyle. Also do you want your children expossed to that way of life?<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>No, I don't want my kids exposed to anymore than they already have been. I spent 10 years making excuses for him and it's time that it stopped. <P>I'm just glad that I won't be the one to say it. My lawyer should do all of the talking.<P>Thanks,<P>Mitzi <P>BTW, the drug use is a definate thing. He's being smoking pot since he was 12 years old. God, I picked a winner didn't I??<p>[This message has been edited by Mitzi (edited April 13, 2000).]

Mitzi-<P>Well, as I sit here typing this I'm sending you good wishes since today is a day that will probably see you face challenges, some heart ache and pain and some frustrations that you did not ever expect to experience.<P>I'm wishing you peace all through today and a mindset that reminds you of your wonderful children and that they deserve to be the best that they can be! (and you knew that all along!) So take each step today with that in mind...sometimes to follow that may hurt, may cause you pain but in the end...I can tell from your posts just home much you really do care about your kids!<P>I wish you the ability to exercise your very amazing strength, because you are a stronger person that I could ever be and I really do admire that.<P>This afternoon after your meeting is finished, self-care is important and please do something for Mitzi!<P>My best to you for today!<P>mrrlk

mrrlk,<P>Darnit!! I haven't cried for a while and your post made me weepy! <P>My hearing is at 3pm this afternoon. I talked to my attorney's secretary this morning and asked her what to expect. She explained that it will be very informal and not to worry about it. It did make me feel a little better. I'm just nervous about the unknown! <P>I wish I thought I had the strength that you think I have! (Did that make sense?? ) But I will be ok! <P>Thanks a bunch,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<BR> So, today is the first day, huh ? You'll be OK. Just remember, you're not the one who has the potential for being in the hotseat ! I agree, he is the one that will have to answer out to the lifestyle he has led. So far it does not look good for him !<BR>I won't even say it because you don't need it, but give him a message from me...."good luck". Keep us in the know. <BR>

John,<P>Yeah, today's the day! 3 1/2 hours and counting. YUK! Never been in a courtroom before but I guess I better get used to it.<P>I'll update when it's over.<P>Mitzi <BR>