Hello All,<BR>Well last Friday the "bride" and myself had a sitdown with both lawyers to iron out the final settlement before the end of the month approaches when it then becomes "D-DAY". I somehow got the "bride" to talk to me civily before we got into the lawyers office after we dropped the children off at school. I informed her of my intentions (as I was instructed to do so by the distinguished members of this forum and speaking from my heart) that I screwed up, I'm still in love and that I want to repair the almost irreversable damage I've inflicted upon her and the children due to my affair. She's not too quick at this point to accept me but somehow by her actions I believe that she is thinking about it, seriously. 1) I have the children this weekend, so I asked her to have dinner with the three of us. Right now she told me that she doesn't think that it is a good idea. She believes that it will give the children false hopes. 2) I've asked her for a sitdown on Friday (tomorrow) after the children go to school and let it all hang out. How much do I tell her ? She's asking alot of questions about the OW. How much do I go into ? Do I tell her everything ? I think this might cause more damage then was already done, don't you think ? Maybe a little here and a little there ? Or wipe the slate clean and give her every detail ? HELP ! She is being very cautious right now and I can't blame her.

John,<P>If you seriously want it to work, you will need to tell her everything. If you hide anything, trust is an issue. Dr Harley is very clear on this issue. Especially when it comes to infidelity. Have both of you been reading the material by Dr Harley, he has some very sound suggestions for what your going through. I think if she is willing to here you out, suggest Plan A. Read the plan carefully, do everything Dr Harley suggests, meet her needs, what ever they are now, and deposit as many love units as you possibly can. Above all be honest...holding back for her "benefit" is not the way to go. Good Luck and God bless you.

John,<P>Answer her questions. Start out with little detail. But elaborate if she asks for the details. She may feel like she wants to know everything but it could make her feel worse. She may just want simple answers. <P>She's going to be very cautious for a while. She's been hurt tremendously and is afraid of that again. Ask her if there is any way she'll just agree to slowing down the divorce to give you two a chance to talk and see where you stand. But she is going to need time.<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi

John<BR>I agree with the ladies above. I too wanted to know everything. At the time it hurt alot.<BR>I had to let everything sink in. He only told me bits and pieces thruout the past year. But as time has gone I I don't dwell on what happened, except what NEED she met for my H. I still don't know what that is. He says he doesn't know, but I think it's because he has not read much on this site and doesn't know how to evaluate what his needs are.<BR>For us he still doesn't want to try and so we are moving forward. So being truthful hasn't really brought us closer together, just made it easy for me not to dwell on what happened with ow. It's amazing that I really don't think about HER that much, but I do think of my h. ( I don't even know if they are still talking or not)<BR>Yes trust is still a big issue. I feel if he said I WANT to try but you've got to help me. That would be the key that unlocked the door to a NEW BEGINNIG for us.<BR>So tell her I will tell you as much as you want to know. It may hurt, but I also don't want to hide anything from you anymore or ever. <BR>Hope it works for you. <BR>

I think it is wonderful that she is showing signs of interest again.<P>Your questions, "how much is too much to tell", well - I think it should be that you tell her "You have a right to ask any question and have all complete honest answers" but, you might add that you would like to have a safe plan of disclosure - that is manageable.<P>The main point - is that you want to be completely honest, but you do not want to have it overwhelm the fragility of the relationship - causing further deterioration.<P>Ask your wife to keep a running list of questions, so she can be sure to ask everything she wants, but that it might be more reasonable for you to pick from the list and answer those questions that feel the most comfortable. <P>And, in the mean time, you can work on building your relationship. Too much disclosure all at once, on demand - can deteriorate the dynamics of rebuilding. But being told (from my perspective as a betrayed) that I don't have a right to those answers - deflates hope of rebuilding and validation of my feelings.<P>What is wrong with asking your wife if she will go to dinner with just you - and grandma or grandpa can watch the kids? I think you need to be very careful - you need to build consistency with your wife, and make absolute and concrete plans of how not to have any contact with OW.<P>You can do this, and it looks like the prospects of rebuilding are finally there. Good good good luck!!!!!!!!<BR>TNT

My husband answered most of my questions, but sometimes he fudged the answer and some of those lies are still popping up. I don't want to give you lines, but he says that he was living such a double life that when he was answering me, he couldn't remember what was true, what was the lie he had told me at the time and what he told me when I asked (and at that point he wanted to protect me/himself).<P>I'm on this forum because I served the divorce papers, one of the reasons being he shattered my trust so many times. Avoid that. Tell the truth as gently and nonconfrontationally as you can. If you think something will be particulary hurtful, tell her that upfront, give her a chance to put that question aside.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

From the recovery side, here.....<P>Answer her questions, honestly as you can, but don't go into more detail than she asks for, she may not be ready for some of it.<P>I've never asked for details, not really interested, but there are some things that I wanted to know - emotional issues, not gorey details. I guess I made it easy for Robert. But I know it was still so hard for him to answer me.<P>But, you know what helped me? When we talked, even though some things were painful, I always left him with the feeling that I was the most important thing in the world to him. Somehow, he managed to make that the focus and the ending of all those difficult conversations. He didn't lie. He didn't dodge, but he offset the bad stuff with wonderful words of love and committment. That meant a lot.<P>Good luck. Use your heart when you're speaking to her. But don't lie. Never ever lie to her about anything at all again. Just one can unravel everything.<P>Lori