This is my question. Should a married woman have divorced friends?? My husband feels it is wrong of me to have any dealings with any woman who is or has ever been divorced.<P>Little bit of background so that you can see where both my husband and I are coming from.<P>We have been married 15 years. Two children b12, g10. The last 4-5 years have been a strain, with the last two being downright misereable. <BR> <BR>I have felt controlled by my husband. He used to own his own business (he has been unemployed since January). He has always been very diligent in paying his business accounts. Sometimes to the point that there would be little or nothing left for us. <P>I paid the bills. If I was short of funds, I would let him know. This would upset him, and he would start hurling cruel words at me. (He does not see his words as cruel)<BR>He would say "I GAVE you $600 two weeks ago!!" This $600 was to pay house payment, utilities, groceries, etc. Sometimes, I just could not make it stretch. Sometimes he did give me more to pay the bills. But, if he did it usually came with some demeaning comment. I shopped at yard sales, discount groceries, and never bought anything unless it was on sale. There were no decorations in my home, that were not either given to me, or bought at yard sales. No decoration that I had purchased was over $10. Needless to say, I was not very proud of my home.<P>It got so bad, that I dreaded ever having to ask him for more money. It was not worth the humiliation I had to go through. So I stopped asking, and took out cash advances on my credit card. <P>I also quit asking him to help around the house. All I ever got in response was "Sure I'll help around the house, I'll quit my job and do your laundry for you!!" Again very humiliating.<P>I had considered divorce many times, but never had the funds to leave. <P>Then in 1997 I got a job as a sales agent. Strictly commission, but I was doing very good at it, eventually paid off my credit card debt. I also had an affair. Old boyfriend, high school reunion, bad mistake.<BR>One that I so wish I could take back. I do not have contact with this man, and wish to make no contact with him. <P>Husband has had a very hard time with this. He found out about the affair in Sept. of 98. Lots of bad things have happened since. He has scared me many times. His response is, "Well where did you think THAT would lead??" <P>There has always been something that he is not happy with. First my job in sales. According to him, it was because of the nature of the job that I had the freedom to have an affair. So I quit.<P>We have changed churches. Great pastor at this new church. We tried counseling with him, husband didn't like what he was saying to him. (husband has not like the other counselors either) We are in a community group within this church. My husband has let me know that he does not like any of the women in this group.<P>I stay home all the time. He totally resents any contact I have with anyone. My sister. (he despises her) Unfortunately I have to stay in regular contact with my sister as my mother has been in hospital since Jan of 99. I have had coffee with one friend a few times (she is married but her marriage is struggling too) <P>I have two friends that I talk to occassionally on the phone (once a month at the most) and e-mail periodically. They are divorced. He wants me to cease all contact with them. He believes that by my association with them that we will end up in a divorce. <P>Last night he told me that if I continued to have any contact with them that it would force him to continue to bring up the affair. Which he dutifully does on a regular basis.<P>I feel that I have given up so much. And he feels that I should give up even more, because he has so lovingly stayed with me. <P>I am sorry this has taken so long. I just feel so isolated and alone. I am afraid to call any of my friends. <BR>

SD,<P>Honey, your husband is abusive. I lived with a man very similar to that for 10 years. He was the one who ended up having the affair and left. Most days I see it as a blessing. But he was also physically abusive.<P>He is trying to control everything you do and that is not love. The reality of your short affair did not shock him into realization. Maybe nothing will.<P>I'm sorry for sounding so blunt. I do know what you are going thru though. If you haven't yet, read all of the info on this site. It can be very helpful. But it is hard to plan A with an abusive person. stay safe.<P>Welcome,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi--thanks for responding so quickly. I really need some input here.<P>He does not see himself as abusive. He does not see himself as controlling. He sees himself as a loving and caring man that is hurt. Hurt deeply.<P>He feels that if I truly love him, I should do whatever he asks. I try to do as much as I can. He scares me when he gets real angry.<P>He made me swear on a Bible that I was not still hiding something about this other man. Then after I did, he said "Well I guess ***** was feeding me a line of **** then." No hug. No thank you. No I believe you. Just the fact that he had been believing someone else for over a year. <P>We went to a marriage conference this past weekend. He got so upset that the speakers were telling men how to talk to their wives!! He did not agree with them. He felt they were blaming him for my affair.<P>He has gone from blaming my job, my co-workers, my sister, the other man, me, and now my divorced friends for my affair. I am going crazy!!<P>Thanx again.......It really does help to get all this out.

SD,<P>It sounds like nothing is getting thru to your H. He of course is hurt by the affair but there is a huge difference in trying to make it up to him and being a doormat. <P>It would be nice if he went to individual counseling and learned how to forgive and rebuild what you have. He needs to know that it's not going to help your marriage by throwning it in your face all the time.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Thanx again<P>Mitzi--You said big difference in making it up to him and being a doormat. I know how to be a doormat. What can I do to make it up to him??<P>One of the things I fear most is that nothing is getting through to him. I had one counselor ask me once why I try to reason rationally with him. <P>He brings up things that happened while we were dating 20 years ago. Things I *said*. How can he possibly remember what I said that long ago???<P>It makes him furious if he thinks I am acting like a doormat. But if I act like I might possible be happy, and calm, he says something that he knows will upset me. I try sooooo hard to not let him get to me. He just keeps on pushing those buttons.<P>I have tried to walk away. He then yells and screams in front of the kids. Like they can't hear through these paper thin walls!!<P>Tried driving away once. He ripped the keys from my hands, and threw the cell phone against the wall (it did not survive) <P>When he left this a.m. he said he was going to call the attorney on Monday. (He wants us to use the same attorney) He has said this so many times before. If I say fine, he will come back later and say he is sorry.<P>I am so tired

AARRGGHHH!!! Husband just came home!! Said that he started doubting me, losing trust in me, when I went out with ~~~(a girlfrienD) in 1996. Those two evenings he said. I NEVER went out with ~~~!! We went and had coffee a couple of times. And then I was made to feel as though I was asking too much of my husband, to 'babysit' the kids on Saturday morning. <P>I got upset. I asked him how was I supposed to defend myself against something that has only happened in his mind??? <P>I could just scream!!<BR>

stilldreamin,<P>my ex was exactly the same way. Long before my affair, he'd bring up stuff I did in high-school, which was at least 10 years before I ever met him. Nothing I did was good enough. After my affair, and after I confessed, things got even worse. <P>My ex could twist any situation or anything I said to his advantage. He was cruel, controlling, and manipulative, but he too saw himself as a "good" man because he bought me lots of stuff and took me on trips. So what.<P>For the last couple of years, all I had to do was watch his father and mother and see where I was headed. His father openly degrades and humiliates his mother and my ex. His mother scuttles around like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. Truly pathetic. They put on a real good show for strangers though, just like my ex. It took a few years for me to see how sick their marriage is, and sick mine was. <P>It is a relief to wake up everyday and know that my life is up to me and I can do exactly what I want now without being put-down.<P>It is horrible what your H is trying to do. Everytime you feel comfortable somewhere and maybe happy with yourself a little, he does something to try and throw a wrench in it to throw you off balance. That is my definition of evil. What he is doing is just plain evil. Sorry, that is how strongly I feel about it.<P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited April 16, 2000).]

Thanks Student for replying. <P>How do you know when someone is evil?? Sometimes I really believe my husband is. Then I think that there has to be good in each of us, and he has shown his good side to me.<P>I have made mistakes--plenty of them, I realize these mistakes and it hurts when he constantly brings up every mistake. Oh he always adds that he has made mistakes, BUT.............<P>This weekend was horrible. <P>I truly wonder why he is still here. Why I am still here. Then I wonder that with an attitude like that can this marriage work?? So I mentally decide that it will work and I will have a good attitude, I pray that God will bless us and things will get better. Then my husband comes in with some bitter comment--and I revert back to all the old pain and hurt--it seems I remember it all.<P>Then I think--well husband must be in a lot of pain too. I should be more understanding of what he is going through. AARRGGHH I really think at times that I am going crazy. The inner verbal debates that I have with myself are almost as bad as the ones I have with him. <P>I really don't know what to do. The rational part of me says to leave, the compassionate part says that I just need to trust God and let Him work His miracles. <BR>

I just finished reading a book called "People of the Lie" by Scott Peck, author of "The Road Less Traveled". In the "Road Less Traveled" he talks about the nature of love. In "People of the Lie", the talks about the nature of evil. I don't have the book in front of me, but to paraphrase, people who are evil or do evil are in an extreme state of self-denial. They do harm to other people, and because they cannot take responsibility for their behavior, continue to do harm. At the extreme end, people who are evil consciously use their power to confuse, humiliate, and harm others. I'm sure you have told your H many,many times how much his behavior hurts you, yet he continues. <P>My ex was the same way. He would not stop screaming at me until I was broken down and crying. This was long before my affair. He too would admit to making "mistakes", yet somehow, he always found a way to make sure he let me know that my mistakes were SOOOO much worse than his. He steadily, repeatedly, knocked me down. I too tried to deal with him from a sympathetic viewpoint. However, evil people are not often moved by sympathy or love. It is only an additional opportunity to take advantage of the person.<P>I too thought I was crazy. When I started going to school, he got mad because I wasn't spending as much time with him. The next semester, I cut back on my classes and he started calling me a slacker. There was absolutely no way to come to any agreement on anything. Everything was subject to his criticism on a daily basis, according to his whims. There was no calming him. He was determined to break my spirit, IMO. It almost worked, too. It has taken me a long, long time to fully understand how sick our marriage was. Anyway, IMO, the nature of evil is confusion. Truth and love are clear as day.