Hey everyone,<P><BR>The obsessive thoughts never go away. I am in counseling - going there 2 times per week. I'm also on anti-depressants but they make me more tired than anything else. Too bad there isn't a drug that can produce amnesia. I'd like that.<P>Realizing what my stbx may have been trying to get me to see all those years ago is very upsetting. I want so much to break up his happiness with Mia. Doing that won't bring him back to me, but I still want to do it. <P>I remember the day in counseling he told me about her and about their affair. It changed everything for me. It was like the turn of a dial on the radio that changed the music from soft melodies to endless headbanging music that hurts one's eardrums. That's when I could no longer pretend that what I heard was music. Maybe this is what it's like for everyone when they find out about their spouses betrayals. The noise never goes away.<P>The unfortunate reality for me is that I am ending up bitter, angry and resentful from my wounds, unable to find closure or acceptance. It feels like I'm trying to empty an ocean of lonliness with a teacup, or worse yet, through a straw. <P>I feel so hopeless now.<P>Sorry I'm so upset. At least I feel safe venting here. Better here than directing this negativity towards the woman who stole my husbands heart.

((((tired lady))))

Thanks No Trust for at least reading my feelings of dispair and responding. I think I've hit rock bottom. I have no life. My kids love their life with their father and Mia. She's full of life with them. I'm just nothing.<P>Why am I even here? I haven't found a purpose yet. I think I need to sleep for a very long time and not wake up.

Hello TL,<BR>I am so sorry you are feeling down, depressed. ((((hugs)))) and prayers coming your way.<BR>Tell me what is going on in counseling? Is it helping you? <BR>YOur children love you and need you TL. They also love their father....soemthing you have no control over at all.<BR>You do have control over how you feel and how you are acting with them. Continue to show them the love and care that you always have. You are a great mom, and they do love you. It is a hard time for them too-very confusing, so try to be patient with them. Lots of changes in a short time period and I am sure they are a bit overwhelmed.<BR>Are you getting out and exercising, taking care of TL? We talked about this some months ago, and I promised you then that I would nag you if you did not take care of yourself.<BR>Here I am-----nagging! <BR>If you feel the antidepressants are making you more fatigued, talk to your doc. There are others that can be prescribed that may not have that side-effect. <BR>Hang in there TL, you are going to be fine.<BR>(((hugs)))

TL,<BR>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I feel your great pain. I am praying that it will be lessened to a more tolerable level. I would say go away but I know this is not reality because God has said that it will be this way for Adam's disobedience.<P>But to help you deal/cope with what is going on, I suggest you read Gary Smalley's book "Making Love Last Forever." Even though your stbx won't be coming back, it will give you insight to yourself. I know it OPENED my eyes to lots of things about me and many more about my W. As I read my Bible daily, Gary helped me to see things from a different perspective that makes me love my W even more just as Jesus loved us by dying on the cross when we did not deserve such a loving jesture.<P>I know it feels go to hang onto the anger. It is much better to vent it and forgive. You will feel many times better.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited April 16, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{TL}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hi, Sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Time to make a few changes, though.<P>If the anti-deps that you're on aren't helping or are making you tired, talk to your doctor...may not be the right ones for you. Does therapy help you to feel better, even for a few hours right after the session? If not, that might not be the right therapist for you. Lots of folks here have been through a few before they find the perfect "fit".<P>CL's right, you know? You do have control over a lot in your life. Not your husband or Mia or how your kids feel about them. But how YOU interact with those children, what YOU do with your life from now on, what YOU decide that you want to become - that's all very much in your control.<P>And, yes, easy for me to say since Robert and I are back together. But, don't forget, just a few months ago, he was consulting a lawyer about adopting her daughter, they shared a home, joint bank accounts and planned to make the engagement official by Easter. I do remember. I also remember some really bad days. But, even then, I had figured out how I wanted to live my life, even without him. And MOST days weren't so bad.<P>You have the power over all that part, TL. Take it, own it and use it. I've been around for a while, too. I know how much strength you really have. I know your story, lived it here with you, you know? You can do this. You can make life MORE than worthwhile for yourself and your children. If that household is happy and loving and yours is angry, depressed, resentful and bitter (your words, Sweetie, not mine), where do you think your children are gonna feel more comfortable?? Take control, before another day goes by. Take baby steps to get where you want to be. You're a good mother. They NEED you to be a good mother. But part of that is teaching them, by example, about love and strength in the face of adversity. They NEED that lesson too. You have to give them a happy home. You owe that to yourself as well.<P>I know you can do it.<P>Luv and hugs,<P>Lori

CL - What's going on in counseling you asked? Well, the obligatory childhood exploration thing right now. Seems like everyone wants to attribute everything to someones' childhood. I know I have control over how I interact with the kids while they are with me. It's so difficult when they want to be with Dad vs. me. I guess they feel less out of control - or they just simply have more fun or more to do when they are with him. My kids have also developed this "bond" (for lack of a better word) with Mia's 6 year old son. They look at him like a baby brother. Someone fun to play with and boss around at the same time. Guess it's kid stuff. My oldest (daughter/16) loves it when Mia asks her to babysit while she goes to the grocery store. It makes me sort of angry.<P>Proforg - you have a way at making me see the biblical aspect of everything. I am really clear on the forgiveness aspect of all of this - I just can't seem to find the forgiveness that I need to give to anyone right now. Maybe in time.<P>Lostva - Yeah, you've been through all this ordeal with me. It's been a hell of a past year and a half. Can you believe it's been that long? <P>And you are right - if I were the kids I'd rather be where the atmosphere was much happier than the depression that I seem to give off to everyone. I know I have control over that, just not sure why I'm not using it. It's just hard to be happy when what I want and used to have belongs to someone else now. <P>Thanks for always being encouraging to me.

You just keep hanging in there, Honey. You'll find the strength. I see it in you. You've just got to see it in yourself. <P>Ok, now you know I just can't leave you alone - you're an "old friend" around here, remember???? So, here's the plan. Take ONE little teeny tiny thing today, just one, that you don't like about what you've been doing or not doing and change it. Don't over-reach, just a little tiny thing.<P>Like what? Well, have you been keeping up with your house??? I didn't for a while. If not, pick one little thing and just do it. Or the kids. Have you taken them somewhere fun lately - nothing expensive, just for a break. If not, plan to do it today or this week anyway. Not an all-dayer, just something that will break the monotony for them. Or taking care of yourself. Getting out? Take a walk, just five minutes if that's all that's in you for now. But take one step today. I know, I know, you don't want to, don't have the motivation, can't bring yourself to do it.<P>Yes you can. You have to. Now's the time to MAKE yourself take baby steps, just little ones, one at a time. Pick one little thing, for you or the kids and just FORCE yourself to do it. It will make you strong, I promise.<P>OK, time to go. Just know that I care, ok? <P>Lori

TL, you have a lousy situation, and I'm sure you feel worse because you have taken the important step of recognizing your own role in what's happened.<P>So what can you do now?<P>You have two choices: You can go on being bitter and angry, stalking Mia and your STBX, being a horror to your children, and making everyone including yourself miserable, or you can LEARN from your mistakes, regard today as the beginning of the rest of your life, and live accordingly.<P>Which option sounds more appealing?<P>You know, when you carry a lot of baggage, you get used to feeling rotten. It may not be pleasant, but it's comfortable and familiar. Feeling good can feel a bit weird at first.<P>Perhaps you need to find a therapist with less of a psychoanalytical approach and more of a cognitive approach -- one who can teach you techniques to change your thought patterns so that you begin to look at life differently. I have one, and it's made all the difference in the world.<P>One thing I fear is that some of the "support" that people give (yes, even here), while well-meaning, merely serves to perpetuate your anger (however justified it might be). This is counterproductive and does NOT help you live the rest of your life. <BR>You have to decide. You can continue to feel rotten, or you can start to heal. Healing can be scary, but believe me, you can get used to it. <BR>