I have been trying for months to get my H to come home. Be a part of our family again.<BR>This weekend I have stopped to really ask myself Why?<BR>What do I want if he were to come home. What are my expectations? What do I want in a marriage? What kind of a person will I be?<BR>I have been spent so much time reading and trying to find answers for Why this happened and how I can "fix" this. <BR>Now I'm finally ready to look at myself and what I really want.<BR>I want a man to Love me and cherish me. I want to see his face light up with a smile when we are together. I want him to have such Love for me that he can't keep his hands off me. I want him to be involved in the lives of his children...because he wants to be a part of their lives...not because "the courts" tell him he has visitation. I want him to call me when he's at work to tell me he's thinking of me and misses being with me. <BR>I enjoyed fixing dinner TOGETHER. Talking about our day and sharing our thoughts and feelings. <BR>So much more but I know this post would get very lengthy...<BR>H is not doing any of those things and doesn't want to. <BR>So why am I holding on to the person he was and not the person he's become? <BR>Even though I DO want my marriage to survive, I also want it to THRIVE!! <BR>I'm beginning to realize that I can no longer do any more. If he can't see the pain I've endured this past year, will he ever see it? Will he ever see that I've tried to be there to help him work through his MLC and everything else that has happened. <BR>I'm not to naive to know our lives will never return to exactly what it was before the affair. I was hoping we could rebuild a new and better life together.<P>I know I can , but H doesn't see it that way.<BR>So now I ask myself if he won't try...(I don't know the reasons he doesn't want too)<BR>Maybe I should give up too.<BR>Quit fighting it so much and just let him and myself move on. <BR>I know my life will never be as it was.<BR> I do know God has a reason for all of this happening and I must "be patient" and it will be revealed to me in time. God's time not mine!<BR>So why are you still holding on? <BR>Maybe your answers and wisdom can help me still hold on, or help me REALLY let go...<BR>Tyra<P>

Tyra,<P>I know exactly how you feel. I have thought about the same things so many times and wonder why I would ever consider trying to reconcile. <P>For me, part of the reason was for the kids as I came from a divorced family and didn't want my children to have to endure that pain. Although, my parents divorced (my dad was an alcoholic)he still played an active role in my life. My dad never questioned paying his child support and on birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. he always sent my Mom extra money so I could have a new dress or whatever. <P>Still, for me, the divorce of my parents was painful. Especially since 2 years after their divorce my father passed away. I was 8 at the time. Now, looking at my children's situation, I wonder how a father could not want to support his children. The damage I feel my children with have to live with for the rest of their lives infuriates me. The fact that my H has no clue makes it even worse. From experience, I know that a parent can be taken away so quickly and they are gone forever.<P>This is not the only reason I wanted to make it work but one that plays a big part. Of course, I love my H and married him for better or worse, but then again, isn't that the reason most of us are here anyway?<P>I have decided to let my H go and see what happens. I won't say I would never take him back if he could be the man I know he can, but I have to minimize the suffering for my children and myself. One day, I do hope my H will hit reality but until then, I am going to try to enjoy life to the fullest and make the best life possible for my kids. <P>I think there comes a time when we all just have to let go and only we can decide when that time comes. I agree that God has plans for us all and we just have to be patient. <P>I hope that whatever you decide to do that life brings you much happiness as you deserve it. Take care.<P>Tulip

Tyra you want what we all want. I think sometimes we have a tendency to remember the good stuff and not dwell on the bad things. therefore, our memories are better than the reality. I read over and over about the Husband or Wife wanting to reconcile with the WS. It isn't going to happen unless the other party wants it to. You can't have a marriage by yourself. I know now my husband will never be what I need. I beat myself up over this for a long time. All I wanted was some support, someone to love me and share things with me. Maybe he never was able to give me those things, but when we were first married, I was filled with a lot of hope and thought he would come around. People don't change their personalities; not generally. So, here I am 15 years later, not very happy, and tired of trying to make a marriage by myself. I had to ask myself do I leave now or stay and wind up a bitter old woman. Do I sacrifice myself to this man who doesn't care one way or the other. I chose to get out. I hope you find your way. Good luck to you.<P>

Lonely soul<BR>I can see where you are coming from. My situation is alittle different. We had a very solid and wonderful marriage until about 18 months ago. We were each others best friends, did alot together, talked, laughed, cried, we have had tradgies in our lives but we got through it together.<BR>We weathered whatever storms entered our marriage together.... <BR>That is the difference, I know he is going through a MLC and some day he may wake up and realize what he's done. <BR>I believe there were many things that "triggered" this crisis, but what is hard to believe is that he can change his whole life and his beliefs because of it.<BR>I know that something was missing for him, or he might not have looked elsewere. I just wished he would have given us a chance to work through this. <BR>I know I cannot do this anymore, 1) Because I'm not sure he even wants it. 2) Because I have been in a state of Limbo for many months.3) I have to be strong for my children and show them when you have problems you don't just run away from them and pretend they don't exist. ( Setting an example..)4.) I need to STOP and shield myself from the constant pain of this emotional roller coaster.<BR>5) My physical health can not take it. If I get worse from my disability (due to the added stress) I will not be able to care properly for my son, and since his dad is not in state to help. The one who will suffer the most will be my son.6) I must try to get on with my life without him, because there is a good chance (99%) that the Divorce will go through and I will be on my own anyway.<BR>So now I'm trying to let go and find a life for myself and son that will not include his dad. No matter what a wonderful, father, husband and friend he was in the past 28 years. That is what is the hardest giving up , after a good 28 years. <BR>My neurologist asked today if my H was home. I said "No". He said why would a man that had everything, give it up? I mean there was no abuse going on, no alcohol or drugs, you didn't have trouble with your children. You respected each other? " I looked at him and just said, I'm as puzzled as you are!<BR>Your right it doesn't make sense....But that IS the problem...None of this makes sense!<BR>So here I sit, on this board trying to let go... I will evidently, but it's not easy and will I be happier when I do? Proably not as happy, I'll just know I did all that I could do....All that was in MY POWER...

Even after everything that has happened, I have my days when I wish I was back together with my ex. However, I'm forced to recognize that so many things would have to change, that it is probably very unrealistic. What I really want is the innocence and love I used to have, and truly wonder if I can ever have that again.<P>Lots of people tell me that I can, but I can't even imagine it. My next door nieghbor wants to take me to some singles events. She has been divorced for three years after her H left her for his secretary. I've told her about my situation (I was the betrayer), and she has been amazingly understanding. In any case, I have no desire to go to any singles hook-up events. A few days ago, a class-mate asked me out on a date and I turned him down. I think deep down I'm still holding a candle for my ex, no matter how much he has hurt me. It has been a year since I've even seen him. I told him when he divorced me that I would always love him, and so far that has been true.<P>Not only am I waiting for the "fish to jump into the boat" I'm throwing all the fish that do jump in back into the water :-)

Because the man who is inhabiting my H's body is not my H. Sometimes I wonder if he was just pretending to love me for 24 years, but even if that were the case, I am absolutely sure he was not just pretending to love the kids. Yet now he acts as if their welfare and their happiness is not important to him, as if he doesn't have a clue that it hurts them to have him continually reduce visitation, to try to make them feel responsible for his not wanting to see all of them at the same time, because they "fight too much". The man who once confessed that he was terrified that something might happen to one of the kids now hasn't even asked how the child who won't speak to him is doing in many, many months. Actually he rarely seems to care how any of them are doing - not only emotionally, but academically, medically - it is like they barely exist to him anymore. It is like he is barely human anymore. I will always love the man I married, and I do not think I will ever give up hope that he will return to his body.

Nellie1: Often times I have the same anger you do in regards to my husband and his lack of communicating with our kids (2 & 5). The first 6 months of him being gone I couldn't understand how he could only call once a week to check up on them or to say hi. Granted they are very small and don't carry on much of a conversation on the phone but I kept putting myself in his shoes and couldn't imagine how he could be this flippant in calling them (he is living out of state with OW). <P>Finally one day I asked him about this. I said is the pain you are feeling that great that you can't call your children more often? He said yes, that to hear their voices tore his heart apart and it was easier for him to get through each day if he didn't call at all. <P>So, maybe that is what your husband is experiencing? Just a thought.

Missy I understand what Nellie is saying and you too. Yes it may be painful for our H's to call child/children but whose feelings are really being protected certainly not the kids.H's can be upset with us all they want, but if they don't KEEP in constant contact with the kids when they grow up who will they turn to? Or even if they are grown like two of mine are. Is there Dad the one they wants to share the neat things happening in their lives? No I think not! By not calling or calling seldom it sends a message....You are no longer the most important person/persons in my life NOW. They get the message loud and clear. Words and actions MUST go together.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tyra:<BR><B>Missy I understand what Nellie is saying and you too. Yes it may be painful for our H's to call child/children but whose feelings are really being protected certainly not the kids.H's can be upset with us all they want, but if they don't KEEP in constant contact with the kids when they grow up who will they turn to? Or even if they are grown like two of mine are. Is thier Dad the one they want to share the neat things happening in their lives? No I think not! By not calling or calling seldom it sends a message....You are no longer the most important person/persons in my life NOW. They get the message loud and clear. Words and actions MUST go together.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by Tyra (edited April 21, 2000).]

missy and Tyra,<P>Yes, that has occurred to me. He has called the kids 3 or 4 times in over a year - he says he doesn't call because they don't have much to say. You should have seen the look on the therapist's face when she suggested he call them every day and he said, "They can email me whenever they want."<P>He has already lost the love and respect of the two oldest girls, though he blames them. Our son, in particular, tries so hard to get him to spend time with him. I am not even sure he understood how much they want and need him the day the four year old clung to him and cried, "Don't leave, Daddy" - although it did appear to bother him. <P>Protecting his own feelings seems to be so much more important to him than protecting the children's. Sometimes I am not sure he allows himself to have any feelings.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Tyra:<BR>What do I want if he were to come home. What are my expectations? What do I want in a marriage? What kind of a person will I be?<BR>I have been spent so much time reading and trying to find answers for Why this happened and how I can "fix" this. <BR>Now I'm finally ready to look at myself and what I really want.<BR>I want a man to Love me and cherish me. I want to see his face light up with a smile when we are together. I want him to have such Love for me that he can't keep his hands off me. I want him to be involved in the lives of his children...because he wants to be a part of their lives...not because "the courts" tell him he has visitation. I want him to call me when he's at work to tell me he's thinking of me and misses being with me. <BR>I enjoyed fixing dinner TOGETHER. Talking about our day and sharing our thoughts and feelings. <BR>So much more but I know this post would get very lengthy...<BR>H is not doing any of those things and doesn't want to. <BR>So why am I holding on to the person he was and not the person he's become? [end]<BR>Tyra,<BR>Are we just too naive and hopeful or is anything really possible?? I too wanted all that you want and I found it !! after leaving my husband. The man I date now has said he is thinking about us being married, and I am not sure if I ever want to marry again. When I am with him, I sometimes think about my ex and surprise myself when I wonder if he ever could treat me like this man does. I think, if only he had, I never would have left him. When I told my ex what I needed he said he would do anything to save our marriage -- but he could never show me. I know he still loves me, just as I will always love him, but it just wasn't enough for me to share so much of a life with him without the needs being met and constantly feeling distained and unrespected, etc. I blamed him for a long time, and when I finally realized that was not true, I felt guilty. Maybe that's what I feel now--guilt about not trying hard enough to teach him how to do everything I need. And here I am with someone who does it, asks me constantly how to do it, and I still wonder. This is unlikely to help you much, except for the commiseration. It must take a lot of internal work to get there. Good luck.