I've been married for 3 years. But have been seperated for 6 months. My H just said he wants a divorce and I don't know what to do. I know he's been depressed but he's not willing to go to a counseler or seek any kind of help. He lost a very close member of his family, due to a car accident, a couple years ago. Not that I'm blaming things on this but that is when it seems his walls went up and depression really kicked in. He wrote me a letter telling me he wants a divorce, but not because he doesn't love me. He said he loves me very much and always will but he would rather be alone than mess up my life too. He said he just doesn't see the future the way he used to and doesn't want the same things he used to want. I can see he is truly suffering from depression and he's so down on himself as if he's not worthy. But I know he is a wonderful person and I've told him this. I think that depression has gotten such a good hold on him that he can't see anything positive anymore and I just don't know what to do. He declines going to a counselor because he had a bad experience with one when he was younger. And I don't think he see's just how depressed he is! But I see it. I can't fight him anymore by asking him to work things out because he seems to think that there's no way around it other than D. Any suggestions or ideas? This is such a difficult thing to go thru....It hurt's so bad not being able to help.

Ren, I know some of what you are going through. My husband also suffered from a major depressive episode last year. A crisis event can trigger this. Is there any way your h would see a doctor to get medicine? It could make a huge difference in his ability to think things through more clearly. Right now he probably does think he is worthless and no good to you and that it would be better for you to get "rid" of him so you can find someone "better". If he could just get his bearings with medicine, then he could make better decisions about what to do with his life. I wish someone could convince him to get into counseling. Hang onto the fact that he loves you.

Does he have a close friend or family member who could discuss the possibility of his being depressed? Sometimes, it is easier to listen to someone other than your spouse...besides, if several people all tell you you should see your doctor bcs you seem depressed, it beomes harder to brush off the idea...

His family has been shut out as well. It's almost as if he is blocking out everyone who is dear to him.

Ren,<P>As for the divorce, do nothing. If your husband is as depressed as you describe, he probably won't do much to follow through with it. Delay, delay, delay. <P>As for his fear of counsellors; his one bad experience is a cop-out. Call him on it. Would he refuse to ever eat out again because he once had one bad meal?<P>For his depression; it's a medical condition which needs to be treated medically. Get him to go to his doctor and tell him he's been depressed for months. His doc can prescribe him some medication to bring him out of depression. Don't use the term "mental illness", as it will just scare him off. Depression is a biochemical problem, just like diabetes, or hypo-thyroidism.<P>Check this link for support: <A HREF="http://www.intimacyanddepression.com/index1.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.intimacyanddepression.com/index1.html</A> <P>Hang in there,<BR>Kenneth

Ren<BR>there is an article in Readers Digest /April edition" The Disease men won't talk about"<BR>Depression... Maybe you can get your H to read it. I know the last 18 months my H was suffering from it, I wish he would read the article and know that he can get help. <BR>But that is the key, they need to want the help. Want to make themselves feel better. Even if it takes "Better Living thru Chemistry" to achieve that . At least for awhile.<BR>Did the crisis put my H into depression, or did the depression put him into a crisis? That I don't know. <BR>I agree with Kenneth. If he wants the Divorce let him do the work. If I wouldn't have lost my cool and filed, maybe we could still be working on our marriage instead of trying to end it. <BR>Beg him to see at least an MD...<BR>Remember Depression is a Disease...

I agree with what most are telling you but I haven't seen anyone mention prayer. You must pray this depression out of your husband. Pray that God uses you to bridge the gap in order for your H to begin to draw closer to God and you as well. I know people always say pray and it sounds so easy, but I'm here to tell you, prayer changes ALL things. Release that thing out of your H. Pray for God to show you how to get him to realize that D is NOT the answer. And for him to realize that he does have a bout with depression. I'm sure it hurts you more that he still admits to loving you but doesn't want to be married. Sounds like my H. He loves me but feels it's better to get a D. Girlfriend, don't give the enemy any glory. Like I tell everyone, get down on them knees and pray without ceasing. If you already do, then start building your faith in what you're asking God. He will deliver through your faith.

I hate being the pragmatist...<P>...yes... try and avoid the divorce as much as possible... I think I did...<P>...but a time will come when you will need legal counsel...<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge. There is another search site as well...<A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A>.<P>I'm praying for you... <BR>...and your H's health... <P>Jim