Hi Friends,<P>After talking with Steve H. the other day... (see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002414.html" TARGET=_blank>Talked with Steve H... & "time" on the forum</A>)<BR>...he has convinced me that the likelihood of me getting divorced is very high...<P>Steve knows that hurts me...<BR>...but in coming to accept this... I can grow.<BR>If I fight it... by living a personal fantasy that it won't happen...<BR>...I won't be growing!<BR>To ignore reality... isn't growth!<P>So I'm here... <BR>Yes...just a <I>little</I> bit reluctantly.<BR>Talking it out... by posting here right now it helpful to me...<BR>I don't mean to bore people... but I guess this is my way of <I>venting</I>... such as it is.<P>I'll be trying to spend more time on the posts here...<BR>...maybe a tad less time on the other forums.<P>Increasing my acceptance of the divorce will definitely help me transition to a new perspective on things. I'm not giving up on MB principles at all... I know they are sound... I know they work... for <B>every individual</B>... but <B>not</B> necessarily for every <B>relationship</B>!<P>I remember once asking Chris (MB poster boy) did he ever think that his W would be damaged by the long term separation from him and his kids... I now feel... that there <B>is</B> some damage to herself. I know that can be healed... and I know that <B>I</B> can go a long way helping her heal it... but it is not meant to be... until she(my W) finds it in herself to want it healed. My wanting to help heal her is doing nothing for me but building unnecessary anxiety in me... and so I am giving it up to Him...<P>A perfect time, I guess, to lay it down at the foot of the cross...<BR>...especially since last Easter was the prelude to discovery.<P>I'll keep plugging away at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> for a while... definitely through the divorce... and maybe until my W marries the OM...<P>It took me about 2 months on the old MB forum to see that God may be taking my life in a new direction...<BR>...I'll try not to fight that... anymore...<BR>...I know He knows the better way... <P>I know I can count on all of you for your support...<BR>...and I'll try and add my 2 cents in when it's warranted. <P>God may hate divorce... but He does love <B>us</B>... more than we know...<BR>...and you all have shown how to love each other... <BR>...your reward will be great! <P>I'll be keeping in touch with all of you... <P>Jim / <B>N</B>ew <B>S</B>un <B>R</B>ising

Hey Jim, Poster Boy here!<P>I guess I'm about sorta in the same place as you. I feel as if the divorce will happen. Steve didn't say it would but I'm waiting for it. It looks like the affair will never end since I see NOTHING from Donna.<P>I'm not gonna press it (divorce) until the 2 year mark (Christmas). So I wait patiently and do the best I can. I have spoken with my Wife 3 times in the last week. A new record since she left!<P>I will continue to send her cards & letters hoping to "break through" her shell.<P>You need to start gearing yourself towards divorce happening. Sucks, but whatya gonna do?<P>p.s. Quit posting so much. <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JIM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>Accepting the reality of the divorce is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's like one day it just smacks you in the face and the pain is feels unbearable. Put if not for God and my daughter, I just don't know if I'd be here today.<P>Jim, you are a strong man and I admire your patience and wisdom. You are never a bore. And yes you can count on my support!! My prayers will continue to go out to and for you. <P>Chin up!! <BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jim,<P>Sorry it all comes to this, but I can relate to how you feel. Mixed emotions, huh? Reality does set in when you are in the boat we are in - spouses are gone, period, and they never looked back one time.<P>You are right, and I am so very glad to know that Steve concurs (he IS a good egg!), that you have to experience some personal growth. Part of that growth is to face the reality that your W is going to get this divorce, even though you would prefer to try to work things out between yourselves.<P>It is a sad realization that you are facing. Yet, once you really internalize that you can not impact her and her decisions, at least the weight does lift somewhat and you begin to feel a real and a true peace in your heart. What a refreshing change to feel peace again!<P>It is perfectly natural that you are saddened by all that has transpired. There is the loss of the "dream" - the hopes and plans the two of you made for yourselves and your children. That is a big part of your heart to have to let go. But, it is necessary, because she is getting the divorce.<P>You are gonna be AOK, Jim. Your heart and your mind are in the right place. Surely God will enrich your life in other ways beyond what you have even already experienced or possibly even dreamt of. The tragedy and the loss we have each experienced is also an opportunity - we have seen what it is like to "be without the intimate relationship",to "lose someone we care about" or to have "taken someone or our relationship for granted", etc. I think each of us can turn this opportunity into a way to go forward in life and be appreciative in ways that we perhaps never were before - to see the beauty and the love of those still around us who mean so much to us....to be grateful and appreciative may come into our lives in the future that truly do appreciate us for the people we are and truly do care about us.<P>I am pushing forward with a renewed sense of faith in people and a vigorous sense of hope and trust that although I have been betrayed by one man, there are many more decent and wonderful men(and women for you guys!) out there who have a deeper sense of fidelity and a more meaningful expression of love. I continue to pray that at some point in the future, you can feel more hopeful and have a true sense of peace and happiness in our heart once more.<P>Hugs and prayers for you, Jim.<P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey Jim -<P>What could they do to us if we refused to sign the papers? (hehehe!!)<P>We're gonna be okie-dokie!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS and Love ya,<P>Sheba

Hi guys,<BR>Remember me?? Been awhile I know... I finally got up the courage to peek in and see whats up and low and behold I see this new section. Then I see my good pal Jim.<P>Hard to take I know, I just returned from my paralegal who is drawing up the paperwork as I write this. A lot has happened since I was here last and unfortunately I am in a hurry. I just wanted to peek in and give you my support just like you did for me when I felt like I was dying inside. I think it will get better for us... I can only hope because ther is nowhere but up from here....<P>I'll peek in later and tell my updated story.<P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Jim,<P>All I can say is I love you brother. Hang in there. I think Desiree has one of the best minds for expressing feelings and putting into words what we think.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<B>Chris</B>...<BR>I hope those phone calls become more frequent...<BR>I think of you often... as a great model/father/person.<P><B>jamie-lee</B>...<BR>Your support and prayers are more than appreciated!<P><B>Desiree</B>...<BR>You must be the "welcome wagon" on <B>this</B> forum.... <BR>Your words are so good... your ideas will help me to move on. Thank you... thank you... thank you!!!<P><B>Sheba</B>...<BR>Your e-mail to me was so much like Desiree's post... kind... heart-warming... full of love. You two are among the most beautiful women I have ever known.<P><B>Rutger</B>...<BR>Boy... it's been a <B>long</B> while...<BR>I'm sorry you to had to come back... and had to come back to <B>this</B> forum... I know both you and I have found the people most able and ready to help us through this. They are good. Pal.<P><B>Bill</B>...<BR>My brother...<BR>Yes... Desiree was much more than poetic...<BR>She softened my fall with those words...<BR>Blessed are the sorrowful... for <B>we</B> have been comforted. <P>---------------------------------------------<P>For over 6 months I've come to know all of you. My life has changed by that only for the better. You give to me hope for a New life. Words are not adequate to express my thanks.<P>I love you all!<P> <P>Jim

Jim, <BR>Guess a lot of things happen when I am not checking in more often! <BR>I guess you knew that Steve may say what he said to you...it does not mean that you should throw in the towel, but just be prepared for what may happen.<BR>It is amazing to me the hold the affair can have on people..were they THAT unhappy??? Are they willing to give up all for an unknown? Are they willing to put children and family through such uncredible pain? I guess so..<BR>Jim, you must know that despite how your wife is acting now, that somewhere there was true love between you. She has lost that, for whatever the reason. Whether it can be regained at this point only can she make that decision. You have left the door open for her. But you must also be able to go on in case that doesn't happen. I wish you only the best, and know that you will come out of this a better person!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

<B>Hi Jim,</B><P>It sucks, no? You'll do great; you are a man of principles and although relationships may change or even end principles are forever, they are to us like a compas when we're lost.<P>Hopefully we'll all be OK: <B>We will</B><P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

Hi NSR -<P>Coming to check on how you are doing today.....soooo, how are ya, Jim?<P>Oh, and RUTGER...WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!<BR>Waiting.....Waiting....Always Waiting!!!<P>LOL!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Jim - be on the lookout : Good, Bad, Ugly and WAD post coming!!! It'll be a humdinger - I promise!!! <P>PSS - Forgot this....RMA - what are you up to woman? Haven't talked to you in a looooonnnggg time....speak!!<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited April 19, 2000).]

<B>Susan</B>...<BR>I'm not throwing the towel...<BR>...in someways it does make it harder.<BR>Had I been in Plan B... I could have started a fuller... cleaner separation...<BR>But now... in Plan A... well you know.<BR>I'll be come a better person...<BR>...I know it...<P><B>Sheba</B>...<BR>I'm doing OK...<BR>Everyday I'll get better... I know it.<BR>I'll be waiting for Rutger's, Your's and Desiree's posts. <P>Jim

Jim,<P>I am sorry to see that you have joined us on this side, but we are all here to support you and am glad to be seeing more of you on the forum.<P>Prayers and hugs, Dana<BR>

Hi Jim, and sorry you have to hang over here too!<P>You are one of the finest men I have ever 'met' and your devotion to your marriage is unquestionable. I sent many prayers up for you when you had your apendectomy, even though I wasn't posting. It's like that around here, you know? We care about each other...<P>So, know that I care...<P>And know that you will be okay, even if you have to back away and take good care of JIM!! <P>You're one of the good guys!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

<B>Dana</B>...<BR>Thank you for your support...<BR>...you've always been so kind to me... <P><B>~Sheryl</B>...<BR>I <B>know </B> you care... you've always cared... <BR>I'm sad that things aren't working out for you...<BR>...I will continue to pray for you as well. <P>Jim

Jim,<BR>I can't really add anything that everyone else hasn't already said more adequately. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I read your post and I feel for you. When I finally accepted that divorce was inevitable I was very sad, but also like a weight had been lifted. I cannot make anyone else do anything. I can change myself and my reactions to situations. I am trying to look forward regardless of how painful or futile it seems. I know a brighter life is ahead of me. And it's ahead of you too. You have been such an inspiration to me and countless others on this forum. You have touched people's lives in ways you will never fully know. And you couldn't have done that without the situation you now find yourself in. Here is a quote from a book I am reading.<P>"For several centuries, down through many dynasties, a village was known for its exquisite and fragile porcelain. Especially striking were its urns: high as tables, wide as chairs, they were admired around the globe for their strong form and delicate beauty.<P>Legend has it that when each urn was finished, there was one final step. The artist broke it and then put it back together with gold filagree. An ordinary urn was then transformed into a priceless work of art. What seemed finished wasn't...until it was broken."<BR>- Robert Kriegal and Louis Patter, "If It Ain't Broke, Break it!"<P>I thought that was very inspiring...I hope you do to.<P>You are a work of art Jim!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Jim,<P>Sorry to see you over here too. I know the slap in the face of divorce did help me focus. I seemed to be waffling around when I was trying to reconcile, always fearful I would fail, always hopeful I would suceed.<P>That waffling was very tough for me. But to be able to focus on something, like me and the kids helped me heal.<P>In regards to you posting more, it initially helped me. But last month I noticed the depression was back and I looked at my life. I noticed I had been posting a lot too, and was rehashing all the happenings of the past year. I decided this was not helpful to me, going back and reliving those moments and starting to second guess myself, what if I had not lb'd or what if I had done that, none of which helped.<P>So I have quit posting to newer people, and limit it to "old friends." I'm sorry I can't share my experiences with newbies, but it is not beneficial to me.<P>BEst of luck and God's blessings to you and your kids.<P>Bob

Jim,<P>Been trying to think of something wise to say to you but haven't come up with anything yet. (Lack of experience I guess! ) <P>I know that since this forum started, I feel like I belong somewhere. It was getting hard to post in "general questions" because so many there are working on marriages. It was painful because I don't have that choice. This makes it easier. I still post there some, but not as much.<P>So, welcome to this neck of the woods. Maybe in the end, you'll actually get to move to the "Recovery" board! You never know...! <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi <P><BR>

<B>Jim,</B><P>Hope you are well today. If OK, I am gonna step on your thread to say "Hi" to some old friends.<P><B>Sheba,</B><P>Thanks for asking about me. I mostly lurk and try to check every couple days and mostly just look on this site. I can't go to the other site very much as it isn't helping my recovery.<P>I don't know if my divorce is final yet or not. Since no alimony, child custody nor child support was requested, and we had both signed a property settlement ahead of time, it only required the judge's signature and neither of us, nor the attorney had to go to court. So, we all opted not to go to court. The only bad thing is none of us knows if it is final yet or not. They will mail the completed paperwork to my attorney and that is when I will know.<P>I am emotionally in a good spot considering all that has happened. I really am so very sad Jim, my former H, chose to leave and never look back. Yet, I know this was his choice and his right. He and I do not have the same moral/value system, nor do we value the same things, apparently. I have let go of him, and after 14-15 months now, it just emotionally happened. I am NOT over the resentment part. I haven't quite figured out how to resolve and let this resentment all go. I am thinking time and positive efforts on my part will make it happen eventually.<P>I am doing well and hope you are too. What about your job situation? I haven't seen an update on that...perhaps you posted and I missed it. Thinking of you with warmest wishes for happiness!!! Desiree<P><B>Bob,</B><P>I really could relate to your post. I can no longer look at newbie stories....it is counter-productive for me, too. I wonder if it eventually gets that way for most all of us? Anyway, like you, I try to continue to follow the stories of old friends. I can and do rejoice in those who are successful in recovery (or at least TRYING) and feel a boatload of empathy for those who end up in our shoes.<P>I was concerned about the depression coming back to hit you. I can honestly say that since I really accepted and decided to file for the divorce myself, I have not been depressed one time. I have also done a good job of not going back and "what if-ing". I don't know why, but I guess I obsessed so long, that when I finally gave it up, I really gave it up! I just no longer care that I LB'ed in the beginning of finding out, etc. You know, Bob, if your XW <B>really</B> wanted to try to make a go of your marriage, she would have overlooked some LBing and attempted reconcilation. Jim <B>never</B> attempted anything towards reconciliation, either, and that is what I hold the greatest resentments about. Oh well....something to continue to work on.<P>Focus on all YOUR POSITIVES, Bob. They will help keep the depression at bay. You have a lot to offer...each of us does. We just aren't currently paired to the person who can appreciate our unique and individual talents and traits the most. If we are open and receptive to new people, they will come into our lives when the time is right. You will find love and companionship again, Bob, if that is what you truly cherish and desire. Keep the faith and keep working to find the happiness which dwells inside each and everyone of us!!!! Wishing you well, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

jim<P> I know you do'nt know me but i have been following your stories and others over a year now. And you have given me hope in dealing with my problems. Which are different from many of the others. But your insight has been so helpful. I would like to take the time to tell you that i am sorry for your troubles. But i don't belive the story is over for you and your ex. I am also a beliver that when one door closes another door opens in someones life. And i hope the next door that opens for you will bring you what you are looking for. Stay close jim we all need you. ps. i hope i posted this right its my 2nd post. god be with you. life goes on and so will i sandman <BR>After talking with Steve H. the other day... (see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002414.html" TARGET=_blank>Talked with Steve H... & "time" on the forum</A>)<BR>...he has convinced me that the likelihood of me getting divorced is very high...<P>Steve knows that hurts me...<BR>...but in coming to accept this... I can grow.<BR>If I fight it... by living a personal fantasy that it won't happen...<BR>...I won't be growing!<BR>To ignore reality... isn't growth!<P>So I'm here... <BR>Yes...just a <I>little</I> bit reluctantly.<BR>Talking it out... by posting here right now it helpful to me...<BR>I don't mean to bore people... but I guess this is my way of <I>venting</I>... such as it is.<P>I'll be trying to spend more time on the posts here...<BR>...maybe a tad less time on the other forums.<P>Increasing my acceptance of the divorce will definitely help me transition to a new perspective on things. I'm not giving up on MB principles at all... I know they are sound... I know they work... for <B>every individual</B>... but <B>not</B> necessarily for every <B>relationship</B>!<P>I remember once asking Chris (MB poster boy) did he ever think that his W would be damaged by the long term separation from him and his kids... I now feel... that there <B>is</B> some damage to herself. I know that can be healed... and I know that <B>I</B> can go a long way helping her heal it... but it is not meant to be... until she(my W) finds it in herself to want it healed. My wanting to help heal her is doing nothing for me but building unnecessary anxiety in me... and so I am giving it up to Him...<P>A perfect time, I guess, to lay it down at the foot of the cross...<BR>...especially since last Easter was the prelude to discovery.<P>I'll keep plugging away at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> for a while... definitely through the divorce... and maybe until my W marries the OM...<P>It took me about 2 months on the old MB forum to see that God may be taking my life in a new direction...<BR>...I'll try not to fight that... anymore...<BR>...I know He knows the better way... <P>I know I can count on all of you for your support...<BR>...and I'll try and add my 2 cents in when it's warranted. <P>God may hate divorce... but He does love <B>us</B>... more than we know...<BR>...and you all have shown how to love each other... <BR>...your reward will be great! <P>I'll be keeping in touch with all of you... <P>Jim / <B>N</B>ew <B>S</B>un <B>R</B>ising[/B][/QUOTE]<P>