Hi Im writing for advice from those of you that have been at this divorce thing longer & hopefully are further along in the recovery process. My question is does it ever get easier to stop thinking about your ex with the other person. Many times (when Ive gone a few days without talking to H) I genuinely feel good. But all I have to do is think about him and HER, and how they are happy and it kills me. I do not think I would take him back regardless at this point, but it still brings up so much hurt. (D is final May 4th found out about affair nov. 11. We also have 1 year old son) It seems like he is so happy moving on, no regrets or anything. So does anyone have advice or words of wisdom on this issue? Please tell me eventually you can think of them and not be upset!!! Second quick question, why do you think so many Ex regret their decision 1-2 years after divorce? What do you think happens during that time?

Hi,<P>I don't know if you ever stop thinking of the other woman. There are days where I can't help but think of her. But we have to try and stop obsessing about OW. I have some really nice quotes I would like to share with you from Michelle Weiner-Davis which has helped put me on track.<P>I think once you forgive (not forget) and move on and let go of all the anger and hatred inside of you, it makes things a whole lot easier. There are days when I lapse (believe me it is so difficult). The most frustrating thing is that they seem able to let go so quickly. As you said they are so happy, no regrets or anything? But even though they don't show any emotion, they must be feeling something (maybe guilt).<P>These are the 2 quotes I would like to share.<P>"You are wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It's exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and soul. Its bad for your health and hard on your spirit. Its awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of you life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste".<P>Are you someone who walks around feeling anbry with your spouse. Do you have a little inner voice that reminds you of all his wrongdoings. Do your remember all the past injustices? (that describes me to a tee). Solution!!<P>"Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes a toll on you and makes you miserable. You cant feel joy because you are too busy being angry or feeling disappointed."<P>"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens doors to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. It takes strenght to forgive, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt is you. Once you forgive, you will feel happier, lighter and more loving. These renewed positive feelings wont go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you."<P>Sorry for rambling on and on, but I hope this helps and rember that the person to benefit most from this is you. If you can feel happier with yourself and know that your are the better person, I think it will help you cope.<P>Tanya

Hilly,<P>I have to agree with <B>scared_alone</B>...<P>Just a few more links...<BR>on forgivenes...<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A>.<P>some books...<OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P>about the <B>2 years</B>...<BR>(From approximate 6 month <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A </A> and 18 month <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000149.html" TARGET=_blank>2 year time frame?</A>…..already divorced…..1/22/2000<P> <P>Jim<BR>

Hi Hilly,<P>I saw the message you left me on another thread, but didn't see you reply to the one I left you below. I journaled alot of my feelings the anger, betrayel and abandonment I felt. I use to write letters to the OW, I never sent them but it felt good to get it out of my head. <P>I started taking antidepressants and those really helped me get over the obssesive thoughts I was having. It doesn't make your thoughts disappear completely, but they do help you control your thoughts a bit. One thing that is important is to start to notice the "triggers" that get you thinking about them together and try to develop a plan for the next time you hit that trigger. Distractions of the best kind. Treat yourself to little things when you start to feel down. It is possible to think about your "new" life in positive ways. Try to do that. Think of this change in your life as a chance to grow as a human being and reconnect with your spiritual side and as for gods help in forgiving your H and yourself. <P>I was able to do alot of personal growth work while I was in limbo waiting for my h to figure out what he wanted. You can work on yourself and the things that might have led to the issues you and your h have. I kept reminding myself that I was the winner either way. I would be healthier and wiser if he chose to come back and if not which is what happended, I am more prepared in the next relationship.<P>I hope I have helped, take care<P>GP

Thank you all for your responses. They do help. I will check out those books suggested. I am trying to have a plan for triggers and it does seem to be getting a little better. I think the hardest part is having to remain in contact with him. Talking to him isnt as bad as seeing him. I think what hurts the most is how easy this is for him. I can feel really good about myself and happy, but on Tuesday nights when I have to see him,I usually have to cry when he leaves because it is so hard seeing how easy this is for him. He is not mean at all to me & is being very generous in the settlement. Again the worst part is seeing how happy he is . It kills!!!! I know in the back of my head I keep hoping and praying they break up eventually. I dont want him back, but I dont want him with her. I want him to realize how hes messed up & that its to late. But I dont think thats healty, because what if they do last? I have to start figuring out how Im going to deal with that. If he found someone else I would be fine with that because she has nothing to do with us breaking up. But this woman I despise. I cant see ever accepting her. She was married at the time also. Any advice on that??

Post deleted by californiapoppy

I think the best cure is time. Try to keep yourself busy. I allowed OW and WH to ruin so much for me and they weren't even around. I would be having a wonderful dinner and think of them and I would be in the bathroom throwing it up. Finally I realized that I was giving them the power to destroy me and I took it back.
It still hurts thinking of all that he does for her. Are they really happy? Maybe. Will it come to an end? Maybe. Do I want them to fail? MOST DEFINATELY! However I have come to realize that I am losing days of my life worrying about something I can't control.
Surround yourself with good friends and take the power back from WH. I am starting to see that he is OW problem now. I do hate the fact that OW is spending time with my DD. But as inappropriate as I think that is there is nothing I can do about it. I know that WH loves our DD and would never do anything that will hurt her. his time will come when he gets to see his DD start a new life with my new wonderful H. (I JUST NEED TO FIND HIM FIRST)
Take care and take it day by day. AD's really do help

Post deleted by californiapoppy

You are very new to divorce and you need to ALLOW yourself to grieve. There is nothing wrong with that! In fact, it is very beneficial. Try journaling all your feelings. That really helped me more than I can say. Allow yourself to cry and feel bad at certain times...not all the time. You'll work through it. My doctor promised me that if I gave it 6 months, I'd feel a little better and then another 6 and I'd feel much better. (I was extremely depressed and had constant thoughts of taking my life) The only reason I am here today is because of my children. Once I came out of my own fog I realized how utterly stupid it was for me to allow myself to waste all that time on him! He was SO NOT WORTH IT!!! You will do fine. You are already so much further than I was at this stage. You are already asking yourself the right questions. So what if he is happy? The day that you can wish him well, and mean it is the day you get your life back. It won't come easily, but it will be worth it!!

So many of you talk about "not being worth anything in their eyes". You have got STOP that right now. Write positive statements about yourself everyday. Stop any negative "tape" that are playing in your head and replace them with a positive "tape". Think about this:

A man of great knowledge and wealth comes into a room and sees a painting on the wall. He takes a good look at it and thinks "that isn't worth anything". But he is wrong, it is a priceless painting from a master painter, he just couldn't see the specialness in it!!

Like the priceless painting, you are valuable, some people just don't have the ability to see it. Just because someone doesn't see how valuable you are, doesn't mean you aren't of GREAT VALUE!!! They are the ones that are blind.

Don't allow another human being to determine your worth. Ever. They will most certainly be WRONG.

One thing that you must remember is that she is still new to him. He is trying to impress her. Remember when you first fell in love with him. Didn't he do many of the same things for you? For me to tell you not to worry about these things I can't, because I do too. It still hurts now, but I am trying to look at it differently. He hasn't changed. I still see the self-centered side of him. Have I worried that she is better than me? Oh yes! But she isn't. What did she get? She got a man that cheated on me while I was 6 months pregnant. This GF got him away from the OW. He has already cheated on this GF with me. So what did she get? A confused liar, cheat, and immoral person. Not such a prize. I deserve more than that.

Sometimes I think that we hold on because we fear change. We realize that life wasn't great with WS, but it is what we know and we fear the unknown. I also felt like a failure that couldn't keep the M together. I suffered from guilt that my DD's father was gone and she wouldn't have the family that I dreamed for her. Then I realized that he did all of that not me. I fought to save the M and he chose to leave, so I could keep my head up. I did nothing wrong. What I am saying is that he wants you to feel worthless because he is suffering from guilt (it may not seem like his is, but I'm sure that he is). Don't let him make you feel bad. Look at the situation. What have you done? What has he done?
I have started to date. I'm not sure if I am ready, but it has shown me that other men find me attractive and interesting. Better men than my STBX is treating me wonderfully. I guess it shows me that my life will be better in time. But again time is the key word. It takes time to heal. Just don't allow him to make you feel worthless. It will hurt, but don't allow him to see that. Get strong and show him the woman that you are. And in the end pray for the best.
Take care
M

Hilly,

What I was going to add, but has already been said is TIME.
It just takes time, and that is something you can't rush.

It's been 1.5 years now since I have been divorced.
It did used to kill me too to think of her and think of him and her, together.
I used to really think hard about them cheating on each other, anything for them to cause each other pain for the pain they caused myself and our girls.
But, so far, they have stayed together, and got married yesterday.

I really don't care anymore about the two of them. They deserve each other in my opinion.
Don't get me wrong, at one point, I could have never said this, and I would have taken him back in a second. But, it's been over 2 years since he and I have been together, and it does get better, clearer, whatever you want to call it.
It is not ever what I wanted for myself and especially the girls, but, it's what had to be in the end.

The only part I really don't like about this whole marriage thing is, knowing that my girls now have a step mother and it's the OW. That part does bother me.

I still have not spoken to this woman. She wants to be my buddy as she has no problem coming to my door and knocking for the girls when it's his time to see them, and she picks them up. I haven't understood that one yet.

As far as your x being happy. He may be, or it may be all a front that you see.
I don't think my x has any regrets. I think he is happy with his choice, BUT I can tell you. I have heard some comments come back from my girls time with them, and I KNOW that life isn't the green pasture that he thought he was going to! And that gives me a devilish smile!!

Please give yourself time to heal. I took AD's for a short time too, and I also did counseling.

Take care of yourself.

Karona

Cali,
I wanted to respond to your post. I've said the exact same things! ( I have a 9 month old son. My WH moved in with the OW 3 wks after our son was born & did all of the same things - took her to expensive dinners when with me he said going out to eat was a waste of $ - bought HER lingerie on MY wedding anniversary, etc.)

Email me anytime if you'd like.

Tess_wood@hotmail.com