I'm glad to see that this forum has been added to the website. I've felt like an outsider here for a long time, just peeking through the window at people still desperately trying to hang on like I was a year ago.<P>After 22 years of marriage and a one year separation, my divorce was final about nine months ago. My ex was already seriously involved with someone else by then, and they got married five months later. Seems strange at times, since I've yet to start dating. It's really hard for me to imagine being involved with someone new...<P>So here I am, still feeling pretty lost most of the time. A lot of good things have happened in my life since the divorce, especially career-related. But that was never high on my list of priorities -- it was my family that mattered more than anything else. And now that that's gone, I feel like a tiny raft in a big ocean, being tossed to and fro by the wind and waves.<P>They say it gets easier with time, and I've found that to be true. Like chronic pain of any kind, your body and mind find ways to deal with it. And for that, I'm thankful. The problem is, pain is only a symptom of something wrong, and whether it hurts less than it did a year ago or not doesn't change the reality of broken hearts, lost dreams, and an uncertain future, possibly alone.<P>I've found the less I think about what I've lost, the happier I am. But then I think about my children, and wonder how they're dealing with the loss. They seem fine on the outside...but what's going on inside? How is this going to affect them five years from now?...ten?...twenty?<P>Letting go is even harder for me right now because I feel fairly certain that my ex's new marriage is already in trouble, and probably won't last long. But on the other hand, when I ask myself if I'd ever take her back...I don't think so.<P>But then I think of my kids again, and their need for a loving stable family. THEIR family.<P>I wish somebody could tell me how to get out of the rut I'm in. I know how to occupy my time and have fun sometimes and be constructive...but those THINGS still don't come close to giving me what I want most in life.

Hi, Colorado (is that where you are? Me too.) I used to be a regular here, but stopped coming for a long while. I missed the support, but just didn't fit in with all of those still trying to save their marriages. I've been separated for 15 months, and the divorce will be final next week. <P>Like you, I know on some levels that I would never take him back at this point. But I'm still grieving the loss of an intact family, especially for my kids. I'm making some new friends, but haven't really "moved on". Now that the divorce is here, though, there's nothing left to do but move on. But if I'm being completely honest I have to admit that I miss him.<P>How did you feel when the divorce actually happened? Part of me is just relieved that its almost over. It's been a pretty messy legal battle, and the last few months have been unbelievably stressful. But I suspect when the dust settles the reality will hit me and I'll have another big crash before all is said and done. <P>How old are your kids and how are they coping with their mother's quick remarriage?<p>[This message has been edited by Animac (edited April 19, 2000).]

Colorado<P>We have to go through a grieving process after the divorce. There is shock, denial, anger, acceptance. And you will bounce around in these states for a while. I replied to Animac's thread with a reference to an organization called Fresh Start. They have a book called "The Single Again Handbook". I high recommend it. It points out things like not only are you single again. You are single and a different person than the last time you were single. The Fresh Start organization has a web page at <A HREF="http://www.freshstartseminars.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.freshstartseminars.org/</A> <P>Tom

Tom,<P>I saw the link... it looks like a good one...<BR>I put your first post of it onto my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post... and into my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000038.html" TARGET=_blank>Other Useful Sites</A> post.<P> <P>Jim

Animac,<P>The hardest part for me was actually signing the final divorce papers. After nearly a year of fighting over terms and thinking we'd be going all the way to divorce court, we reached an agreement a few weeks before the court date. By signing the papers however, I felt like I was agreeing to something I didn't agree with. Once that was done, however, the final hearing was short and relatively painless. Seemed kinda weird watching the judge sign the papers though -- after more than half of my life being married, with the stroke of a pen I was single again.<P>I have to admit being "divorced" isn't as horrible as I imagined it would be. And in many ways, I'm glad that it's all behind me now. If I wanted to, and found the right person, I'm now free to explore new relationships without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. Problem is, I know that no matter how much I love someone new, it could never be what it could have been with my ex. Partly because of the kids, but also because of the history we shared. Lots of good times over the years, now mostly forgotten.<P>We have seven children, ages 6-20. The oldest has already left home, the next-oldest lives with me, and the other five are with her and her new husband. I think the kids have handled this pretty well for the most part, largely due to having each other to lean on. As far as their new step-father, they don't like him. He's very domineering and controlling. He's also more than eleven years younger than my ex, which is hard for the older ones to accept, I think. <P>I know just about everyone told her she was rushing into this new relationship and marriage way too fast, and I think she's finally seeing that they were right. But she was never one to listen to other people's advice -- she's always absolutely positive that what she's doing is right, and other people just don't "understand", even when it's obvious to everyone else that she's wrong. I suspect she'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, the rest of her life. It's sad to see someone you love do things that make them unhappy, yet never learn from their experiences. Oh well. Not my problem anymore.<P>Tom,<P>Thanks for the URL. I'll check it out.