Hi friends,<P>Some of you may remember me, some may not. I tried to update my profile and for some reason it won't let me. It has been a long time since I have been here. (3-4 months ) <P>To jog your memory and for those that don't know me my wife had an affair in July of last year. She told me the day after she slept with him and has been out of the house ever since. I did everything in my power to try to win her back but to no avail. She then dumped the guy she slept with only to start a relationship with someone else. This one more like boyfriend and girlfriend rather than a one night stand. <P>I went from Plan A to Plan B back to A and somewhere in between. It has been a long hard road for me and my friends who have supported me. Just recently ( begining of March ) She again came back to me and tried to work it but this time it only lasted 3 weeks. She said that was enough time for her to figure out that I was not what she wanted in life. <P>So after having my guts stomped on for a 3rd time I agreed to her wanting a divorce. I'm even paying for it. What a guy huh? I have come to my wits end on this. I still love her more than life itself but I know that I cannot live like this. It is too painful and too hard on the human spirit. I think I have almost forgotten what it is like to be happy. I still wake up with the first thoughts being of her and I still go to bed thinking of her. <P>All this even after 9 months. So my friends as you can see the train is full speed ahead and I guess I am the engineer. This still is not what I want but she leaves me no choice anymore. The things that she has said and done are just too damaging to overcome right now. <P>I have to admit, This is a huge gamble for me. Either a divorce is what I need and it will help me get through this thing and I can eventually be happy again or I will regret it for the rest of my life and die a lonely heartbroken man. <P>Time will tell........<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.

Hi Rutger -<P>I am so sorry to hear this..what a ride, eh? Here's some BIG HUGS...you sound like you could use them!!<P>It is soooo sad that our marriages come to this....with our spouses so confused and floundering around trying to find some "elusive" idea of happiness!!! Although our pain is high, I am so glad that I am not so lost with myself..<P>So, she came back for round 3, huh? Did she give any clue as to what needs you don't fill for her? Any little hint?<BR>How could she make such a difinitive decision about you not being "the one" if she can't verbalize what she needs from the one? Still the confusion going on, I suppose. I can relate with you Rutger...I've got a doozy on my hands, too!!!!<P>I guess that we will be able to handle whatever happens.....as long as we know that we really changed ourselves and tried our best - we will be able to look in the mirror and have no regrets. <P>Don't wait so long to come around here next time....I was just getting ready to put out a call for you and Wex....now I can relax about you - but where is that Wexwill? Have to track him down!!<P>Please stay around for anything you need, OK? I know how difficult this all is and you know that we all care.<P>Hugs, Prayers, Strength and Love,<P>Sheba

Rutger-<BR>You have my sympathies. It has taken me a very long time to accept that I do not control my stbx's choices. And you do not control hers. You didn't choose this route, but it has been forced upon you. So focus on making the best of the rest of your life. If you plan to die lonely and heartbroken, it just means you are letting her control the future, as well as the past. <P>Hang in there!

Sheba,<BR>Thanks for the hugs.... They always help. Ya, round 3 was pretty hard. I still am unsure as to what scared her off again. I think it was too hard for her to deal with. She is without a doubt a conflict avoider and lets face it, when trying to recover from something like this almost every moment together is a conflict of sorts.<P>So here we sit again, I agree with the regret thing. I will always be able to look back at this and know that I did everything in my power. I am proud of the Husband that I have become. Even if my Wife isn't. Thanks for your thoughts and good to hear from you.....<P>Animac,<BR>Good point!! She has been in control from the start and she knows it. Nothing I can do. I guess I am somewhat taking control slowly. I am the one who agreed to get a divorce and I am the one spearheading the paperwork so I guess I am starting to take my life back. It will take time.... alot of it. Thanks for peeking in on me....<BR>

Rutger,<P>Wow I must have had a premonition (a bad one at that). I had never been to this section of the forum, and who do I happen to find here now. I'm so sad to see you in this section. Can I be the positive spin guy? It sounds like you had three different type of go arounds and/or attempts at reconciliation. And yes, I agree with Sheba, you (we) have all learned how to be better spouses and your attempts even though they may not turn out the way you wanted at least won't leave you second guessing. No wondering what if...? Your wife tried to come back, but if she's still dizzy , then I guess you must move on. <BR>As for me here I still sit, floating in a plan A existence (after modified plan B) and my wife is still flinging but not pursuing divorce. And we are still pretty friendly with each other, no lovebusting on my part, I'm just giving it my best shot, and yes July will be my one year anniversary also. My friends think I'm nuts, but I don't want any regrets or what if's either. I've called in to DR. H talk show a couple of times, he has still encouraged me about wive's affair crashing sometime and making myself an option for her to turn to. Well, we'll cross that bridge when....

Rutger,<P>You did the best you could, do not fault yourself.<P>You WILL be happy again. It will take time, but you will find happiness. As your signature says, one day at a time. Don't rush into anything looking for happiness.<P>Allow yourself time to mourn and get on with your life.<P>You gave her multiple opportunities to work with you and she chose not to. Your only alternative would be to wait for who knows how long for her to crash and want to come back, for a 4th or 5th ride on this crazy roller coaster.<P>I did the same thing that you did. Our 3rd attempt lasted only a week, at that time I had had enough too.<P><BR>She is the one that wants out of the marriage so badly, why shouldn't she pay half? IF you go to a lawyer, go to your own, don't use hers, you will end up screwed in the long run. She is entitled to 50% of the house and your assets so its not like she will be immediately destitute so I would seek what is fair, that she pay half the costs too.<P><BR>God Bless you Rutger, I'm so sorry that this had to happen around the holiday.<P>Bob

Izzy,<BR>Hey pal, Thanks for your thoughts. Ya, It has been pretty rough going since we last talked. On again off again with my wife. She is still lost but I am trying to take back a little control for my own sanity. Glad to hear that you still have the heart to continue on. Don't give up hope. I still haven't. Keep plan A'ing until you can't anymore. You'll know when you've had enough. You know I hope the best for you and hopefully someday our wives will wake up. Keep in touch...<P>RWD,<BR>Hi Bob, Thanks for your reply. I know that I will be happier than I am now someday. I can only go up from here. I am not rushing into anything else, I am trying to be alone for awhile. I figure if I can be comfy alone I will be that much better with someone else. Plus I still have no interest in dating right now. <P>As far as paying for stuff the cost is nominal and she is being more than fair with the settlement. She has been nice enough to agree to take less than half so that I can keep the house. She knows that she could really hurt me financially and she isn't going to. I guess somewhere in there she still cares about me. Just doesn't want to be married to me. Happy Easter and thanks again for you thoughts.......

Rutger,<BR>I hung through 6 reconcilations, began paperwork with the 7th separation...my H wanted me back. I held off. Decided to go for it...and now we're at a very strange point of no affair(s) going on, no trust on either part, but we love each other and both want the marriage...and he doesn't think he'll move home. If yours is a ticket for the roller coaster, I guess you can't hope for the little kiddie cars...<P>Just be prepared, you taking charge may change her perspective. <BR>

I've missed you, my dear friend. I was so hoping that no news was good news.<P>I keep on looking for you, but damn I didn't want to find you here!!!!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rutger}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>In the midst of all this madness, I do hope you're still taking care of yourself. And I'm sorry that she hasn't been able to get her head together.<P>I'll have to come back. Can't get all my thoughts together right now. I will, though, I promise.<P>Love and hugs.<P>Lori<P>

Lor,<BR>Thanks for the insight. I don't think she is coming back this time. She seems pretty steadfast in her decision. I am still holding on to some sort of hope. A long shot I know but I still believe in my vows. Oh well, I guess I'll wait and see. And of course, I still love her.<P>Lori,<BR>Hey babe, Long time no talk.... Thanks for thinking of me. I am doing ok, Trying to keep on the pounds but it is hard. You know as well as I do that she just isn't in a place to make sound decisions. I'm still filing though, I just can't wait around like this forever. We will talk soon. E-mail me anytime. I'm glad your doing well.....