I've been married for two years - 2nd marriage for me - 3rd for him. We have five teenage children between us. I was previously married to a sex addict - porno, prostitution, affairs, etc. - took me 19 years to decide I couldn't take it anymore and I divorced him. I thought marriage was forever.
<p>This time around I thought things would be different. And they are. But I'm feeling just as crazy. First of all I feel like it was a HUGE mistake for me to have married him - and I'm feeling guilty for even feeling that way. I STILL believe marriage is forever - but I'm beginning to believe I should never have gotten married again.
<p>We've done a ton of reading, been to counseling (for well over a year now - three different counselors because "no one understands" him) - and we're stuck doing the same "dance" over and over and over again. Sexual fulfillment is his one and only need, according to him. I always believed that I was a very sexual person. I've enjoyed it immensely - been very affectionate - believe myself to be relatively "normal" if there is such a thing. The problem is (one of them) that my husband's entire focus is sex. If I say no or even give him a less than enthusiastic yes, then he flips out. And I'm not talking OCCASIONALLY - I mean if he doesn't get some sort of sexual release EVERY DAY, he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me that I don't love him, that I've changed, that I'm frigid (gotta just LOVE that word!) etc etc etc. Because in his words, if I loved him, I would be sexual whenever he wanted.
<p>I tell him that I DO love him - but he doesn't believe me. I tell him that this behavior is pushing me AWAY, not making me want to be close to him. I feel like a machine - that all he wants is sex. If he gets it, he's all sweetness and light until the next day. Then if he doesn't get it, we're back to the pits.
<p>I'm so tired of being treated like this. It makes me feel used and worthless. I hate it.
<p>Can anybody offer me some help? I would REALLY appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

Cath,
<p>Your husband has a terminal dose of selfishness. I don't know what it will take for him to realize it. If you've been to this much counseling it indicates a highly ingrained selfishness. have any of the counselors indicated this to him? Is he into porno?
<br>Being a man I understand the need for sexual fulfillment. All my wife has to do is walk by me half dressed to set it off. There was a time when I was more demanding and used to go into sulks if she didn't comply. But I've realized how self centered that was and I've learned to calm down in that area. It also helps to find constructive things to be engaged in, anything to help the mind be employed in another area besides sexual stimulation.
<br>I wish you well. I don't know what your spiritual values are but I'd be praying for God to open his eyes to this thing.

Thanks for the understanding words, Bruce. It helps a lot to know that there is someone out there (male) who "gets" this whole mess - who has been through similar feelings and come out healthier.
<p>As far as my spiritual values, I'm a Christian and I believe in prayer. I'm glad that God is a loving God and willing to help. I DO admit to being more than a little reluctant for it to take so long though!! Things aren't getting any better between us. We skirt the issue of divorce - don't really talk about it, but wonder what the reasons we're still married are. Know what I mean?
<p>I will take your advice and keep hoping and praying. We will have some time apart this weekend and maybe having a breather will help us both.
<p>Anyway, thanks for your reply, and your prayers!

Cath,
<p>I know what you're saying about being reluctant for it to take so long. It's so difficult to bear the uncertainties while time crawls by. Unfortunately I see no way around it.
<br>On the positive side, from a Christian perspective, God is close to those who have broken hearts. This is a chance, however it turns out, to get our prioroties right with Him. Something we generally won't do until we come to an end of ourselves. As always easy to say, difficult to do.

Bruce,
<p>Broken-hearted pretty much describes me, I'm sorry to say. Last Sunday he told me that it was a wonder he wasn't a drunk because he was married to me. Nice. That cut pretty deep. Later he apologized and told me he didn't know why he had said that, but it still hurts.
<p>My former husband was an alcoholic and sex addict and I vowed I would never get even remotely involved with someone like that. I'd have MUCH rather stayed single than have married into another addiction. Now I'm beginning to wonder if my current husband is an addict. We've been working on Dr. Harley's materials for a couple of months now - we've tried SO many things before this - wonder now if anything will "work" for us. My husband is convinced that his one and only need is for sexual fulfillment...and obviously he's not getting what he wants from me. If we have sex then he thinks everything is just fine - he treats me like a human being again and is actually NICE to be around. But within 24 hours we're back to square one and if I don't
<br>live up to his expectations or read his mind, we're dancing the same old dance once again.
<p>I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent - and I'm a committed Christian who believes strongly in the sanctity of marriage and the vows I made - but this whole thing just seems way beyond me. I'm at a loss to know what to do anymore. And I'm really, really tired.
<p>I'm leaving tomorrow to spend a long weekend with a girlfriend of mine out of town. It's the second time I've been away from my husband since we married. He's not excited about my leaving - kind of a can't win situation though - doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want me to leave. I need a break though and I think it will be a good thing to be apart for a few days.
<p>I appreciate your words of wisdom. I think you are right about this being a time to get my priorities straight. I will work more on that. Thanks. I'm still praying that God will work a miracle here. I'm not out to change his personality or who he "is" - but I do need to see him show a little effort to understand what MY needs and desires are. It all seems so one-sided. It gets really tiring.
<p>Anyway, thanks for listening.
<p>
<p>
<p>
<p>
<p>
<p>
<p>
<p>
<p>