I had a long, depressing conversation with my sister this weekend. One of the many things that bothered me was that she apparently thinks I would be better off filled with anger at my H, rather than viewing him as sick and feeling compassion. I have seen this on other boards as well - the basis for the "you're better off without him" philosophy. Why would feeling angry make you feel better than feeling sadness would? Why do people assume that if you are filled with sorrow, even with feelings of hopelessness, that that has anything whatsoever to do with whether you feel worthless or not? <P>Why is anger better than compassion? And for that matter, why can't they co-exist? What does anger have to do with love, anyway. It is perfectly possible to be angry with someone and still love them with all your heart, as anyone with children knows. <P>I have a problem with the "love bank" theory for that reason too - your spouse does something you don't like, something that makes you angry, and it is supposed to deplete your love bank, and make you love them less. I don't think it works that way. If that were the case, why would I still love my H?

I'm with you...I see compassion and sorrow as very appropriate (and agree that anger can co-exist in there as well).<P>The love bank theory works pretty well overall, but I have had that same question...the explanation I got is that once someone has left, your memories of the way things were and your longing for them keep depositing units in their account...that is one reason many counselors advocate distracting yourself as much as you are able. That does make sense, but I'm not sure it altogether answers it.<P>I think your sister just sees you in a lot of pain, and wants you to feel better...what she suggests may not make sense for you, but she is probably trying to find something that would ease your pain...and anger sometimes can temporarily displace some pain. I know that people often suggest all sorts of dumb things when faced with their inability to help someone they love in pain (you wouldn';t believe some of the dumb things people said after my D died...but all were well meant, if not helpful in the least).<P>I know it probably seems like everyone is after you to let go of your sadness...sadness is OK, but do watch out for the hopelessness-- if it becomes too strong and lasting it can really damage your family and you...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi<P>

Nellie,<P>I think we all go through many phases in this crazy cycle of infidelity. You must really go thru each and every emotion to heal properly. <P>According to the book, "Rebuilding when the relationship ends", thees are the feelings you will feel when you adjust to the loss of a love. Denial, fear, adaption, loneliness, friendship, guilt,grief, anger, letting go, self worth, transition, openness, love, trust, relatedness, sexuality, singleness, purpose and freedom. This is not the exact order, but at some point, these are the feelings you will have no choice but to accept.<P>There is a point, when we all become angry. I have seen my STBX's mom and dad fight for ten years, over stupid things that happened, 15 years, before I even came into the family. I watched them hurt and destroy each other every year for ten years. It seemed to me that they took way too much effort to hurt one another. WHy not put that effort into something positive with someone new.<P>I am all for getting past that anger, and getting along for the sake of the kids. Does that mean, we have to be friends? No not really, just like a business partnership. Personally, I wouldn't want a friend like my STBX anyhow. <P>I know I am compassionate because I feel guilt or grief to see anyone suffer including the STBX. THe difference is, not to let him take advantage of it. <P>I want to raise my girls to be loving and compassionate, not angry and spiteful. How can you be a loving person, if your angry all the time?<P>There's a lot to be said for being a bigger person, and doing what's right for the kids, no matter how bad it hurts (see my recent post). <P>I know you are a compassionate person, by following your posts. There is nothing wrong with trying to get along. <P>Prayers and hugs, Dana<P>PS Let me ask you this? Are you a big enough person to forgive for the crime of infidelity? I am having a hard time with forgiving , and don't know that I ever will.<BR>

kam,<P>I know she is trying to help, and I know that it is hard to know what to say, because I often didn't know what to say when my nephew was murdered. But it bothers me when she for years has talked about how glad she was that she wasn't still married to her H (who betrayed her) - aside from the fact that I don't entirely believe her, I could never understand how she could be so happy about something that made her children unhappy.<P>Dana,<P>Yes, I think I could forgive him for the infidelity - but I do not think it is possible to forgive him while he is actively involved in an affair and shows no remorse.<P>

Nellie,<BR>You never cease to amaze me.....you often ask the same questions I have been wondering......but have never been able to put down on "paper".<P>First of all the love bank thing.....I understand how it works....I believe that it helps.....but why, when I know, according to this love bank thing.....that I have not had a deposit in years.....do I still love him?<P>I have heard the anger thing from counselors...to friends...family and neighbors.....they all say to me....when are you going to get angry? You know what...I am angry.....down right pi$$ed off.....but I chose not to show it in a way that is recognizable to many. Yes I am mad at my stbx......but I am not going to go around expressing it to anyone who will listen. I vent here...when I feel it coming. Occasionally I will vent to a friend.<P>To me...anger is ugly. I have been there.....for about 2 months, after Discovery.....I was angry. I hated myself that way....I hated the way it made me feel....the way it consumed my thoughts. I "chose" not to be angry in that manner. I put my anger to good use.......I work harder and faster.....I clean.....I write. I vent it in a productive way.<P>I have been angry at my Mother...my sister....my stbx....my children.....my friends.....but that doesn't mean I don't care.....doesn't mean I don't love.<P>I, like you, have and still do feel sorry for my stbx. I feel sorry for him in so many ways. When something goes wrong for him....I feel sad....I don't want him to hurt.....but in some instances I do. That may be the bitterness I feel.....but it is also human. He has hurt me and the girls so bad......for what? What is he gaining? Freedom? I don't think so.....with children and an ex-wife and the excess baggage...he has no freedom. I don't think the guilt that he "has" to feel inside will ever allow him to feel free.<P>I hate the ole..."your better off without him". How would they know. I love him...so how can I be better off without him. Yes...I am probably doing better right now without that "stranger" in my life.....but better off....no way. My stbx....my real stbx....was a good guy. I loved everything about him.....even his "crap"....that was him....the person I fell in love with...the person I married....the person I chose to have a family with.<P>I know...deep down inside he doesn't love me anymore.....and that hurts the most. I have a problem with people that fall so "easily" out of love. Love isn't a game....and it should not be treated like one. When a newer "model" comes along......it seems easier to just trade it in.....less problems...less trouble. It is these people that will never experience what love is really about.<P>God bless you Nellie.....I always enjoy reading your posts and they really hit home with me.<P>Nancy

A good friend, Butch's, brother got divorced,<BR>gave his wife almost all his money, and then spent 10 years trying to get his marriage back. Butch talked with his brother now that he is seeing a new woman, and he told Butch, he couldn't believe all the wasted emotion of trying to make someone love him who obviously didn't.<P>At some point, there is a law of diminishing returns to emotions, just like energy, and at some point, everyone has to find it for themselves, the situation is accepted as beyond your sphere of influence, and from then on, the emotional energy spent on trying to get it back is wasted.<P>Don't get me wrong, only death is final, but one only has a limited supply of emotional energy, every one's is different, but it is finite.<P>In SH book, LB's, anger is used to forget, get even, and punish. It is a selfish motive, but that is its use. It massages the ego, and helps most to feel better. I have fallen victim to it occassionally, but I now<BR>refuse to let my children see it to provide an example of negotiation, and intelligence.<P>One can choose to use it to hurt if they want, to make oneself feel better. It is a big put down to make people feel hurt like you just did. it is fighting fire with fire, and everyone gets burned.<P>So I applaude everyone here who chooses not to use it, as for myself, it is not my wife's fault that she only communicates to her family through anger. That was what she was taught. She was also taught many selfish things from her family of origin, that she still have a very hard time seeing and<BR>probably will never correct. As SH says in his book, LBs, "a person predisposed to anger will usually have bad marriages." And I see it, understand it, but won't stoop to its level.<P>

Nancy,<P>What I don't understand is how people can say that she thinks he is suffering from depression and a personality disorder, and then in the next breath basically tell me that I should not waste my time feeling sorry for him. He is either mentally ill or it is a character flaw; if he is mentally ill then compassion is appropriate, and if it is a character flaw then he is not mentally ill. <P>I also do not believe that you can stop loving someone you have loved, as opposed to just being in love with. <P>When..,<P>But why do people, whether betrayers or betrayed, not decide that reconciliation is a waste of time until after they find someone new..<BR>