My ex has made it clear he is finished with me. He has started being unkind to the kids as well. The strange thing is, I have seen him in my neighborhood quite a bit. Yesterday morning he drove by our house at 8:45 while we were getting ready for church. A couple of weeks ago, while he had the kids, he drove by my home. I have seen him a few other times, too. I don't know how much he has done this that I don't know about. We live in the country and it is on his way to nowhere. I asked the kids about driving by with them, and he didn't give them an explanation, just came this way. Sometimes he goes for days without calling the kids. Today he called 4 times in half an hour before we were home. Then he stopped, it was time to go to the OW's house. Anyone have any possible explanations?<P>AD

AD,<BR>I have no answers...just kind of in the same predicament. I am not divorced yet.....but there is no hope of reconciliation.<P>My stbx drives by alot.....with and without the children. He drives behind the house and parks and watches.<P>He also doesn't call for a week and then calls as many as 17 times in one day. Many times all of his actions are scary.....and sometimes they just make me shake my head. What is he doing? For a man who wants nothing to do with me......who has not a kind word about me......who talks so horribly in front of the children about me and sometimes them....why is he spending so much energy trying to find out just what I am doing?<P>That is such a good question.......I hope someone can enlighten the both of us.<P>Nancy

To answer the question, it is a control thing. My H just quizes the kids continually about what I am doing, who I go out with (no dates to tell him of), what I feed them, what I buy not only them, but myself as well.<P>I do not think they can believe that while their lives are private, you are not "allowed this" After all the affair started before you lived apart, so why should they not be privy. Driving past your H seems to me a way of taking stock of what you are doing etc. Of course I wonder why they do not have better things to do than this especially since they have a significant other!<P>Hope this makes a little more sense.<P>They are entitled to their private life without you in it, but you are not really entitled to yours, witout their wanting to know as much as possible. !

Mental,<P>You would think if they were so over us, they wouldn't care what we were doing. They are mental, not us! How are things going about the custody?<P>Willbok,<P>I have thought it must be about control. My ex doesn't ask questions about dates, but he does ask about things I do with them. I think if I was seeing someone seriously, it would bother him, mainly because someone else would be in the kids lives. I don't see that they are moving on very well, do you?<P>AD

I wonder if it isn't guilt and looking for justification such as, see she is dating/seeing someone else so she must not have loved me, so it was right for me to have affair/move out. And also she how she is treating the kids poorly with out all my help, she can't make it alone.<P>I don't know these are only my guesses.<P><BR>My seems to want to simply wipe me out of her history now. I gave her some school papers for her to follow up on and noticed that she had all new jewelry on including a watch. Before she had still been wearing stuff I had gotten her over the years.<P>My d told me tonite that x had gotten a cat too. So now she has a cat and a dog, and limited time with the kids. I guess she is looking for unconditional love like a pet can give with none of the responsibilities of kids. I'm beginning to wonder where om fits into the picture. Oh,yea, he's a great conversationalist!!!!

I have been told that it was a control thing....numerous times. <P>My mom has told me that he will "never" stop. He just can't. She sees him as a man who doesn't want me....but doesn't want me to have anyone else. I am not sure I see it that way....but. <P>My stbx hardly ever asks about me. The girls said that he has never asked if I am seeing anyone....although my mom said why would he have to...he knows everywhere you are. She is right sometimes I catch myself asking about him though. So I guess that I am the one who is "stuck". Maybe it is because I still love him....But he never asks about anything......we have 3 dogs....never asks....the girls schooling....never asks......if they are wearing something new, different....never asks. He just is not real interested in any aspect of mine or the girls lives. It is like he treats the girls more like an obligation, than his children.<P>I think he would be happy if he could just wipe us all off the face of the earth....and we were forgotten forever.<P>Nancy

Already Divorced: Since you are divorced, may I ask how do you handle knowing the kids are in the OW presence? I am assuming he gets the kids every other weekend? Does he live with her? Has it taken it awhile for you to accept the fact that another women is in your childrens life? I am at this crossroad and depending on what level my hormones are at during the month makes a difference as to how it affects me emotionally. I am trying to be accepting of it because I don't want my kids to feel pressured when they go visit dad that it will bother me but it in many ways is tearing my apart.<P>Any input would be appreciated!<P>Missy2

Mental,<BR>I feel stuck sometimes although I am better. Divorce is the most devastating thing that can happen to you besides the death of a spouse or child. Sometimes I think I could have accepted it better if my ex had died. What kind of people would we be if we didn't mourn our marriage? This has been a huge upheaval in our lives and I think our feelings are entirely normal. What I don't understand is how they can go on as if nothing happened. There is something wrong with a person who can throw their wife and children away and not feel the pain.<P>RWD<P>I think in some ways they would like to just wipe out the past and not have to think about it.<P>Missy,<P>I felt the same way you do at first. My ex just sprang her on the kids, didn't warn them or anything. He sort of lives with her, he spends every night with her except when he has the kids. The funny thing is, he still tries to hide that from the kids, even though they know where he is all the time. The hardest thing about it is that these are our children and we have no control over the OW's influence in their lives. My ex has handled this so badly that my kids are resisting her very strongly. I do not encourage this, they are old enough to have formed their own opinions. It still hurts me but not as much as it did. The best advice I can give you is get some anti-depressants if you haven't already. This has helped me more than anything. Remember, you will always be their mom no matter what. In some ways, my children and I are closer than ever. They know how much I have been hurt and I think their relationship with their dad is badly damaged, due to his actions and not mine.<P>AD