<BR>Dear Dr Harley and All In The Forum Family,<P>Thank you for being a great support group to know. During my honeymoon, my husband said he wants a divorce as he loves me but cannot live with me anymore. We are only married for about 2 months.<P>He blames it on my bad attiude and negativity towards change. He wants me be like other girls with their sweet, graceful, refined and quiet dispositions as well as attractive make-up. He compared me with the the girls in the international tour group and kept placing his hands on my shoulders to rotate me to view and learn the good qualities of other girls whenever possible. If I turn away in anger, he says that I am negative. He says that I should abandon my carefree ways, crankiness, loud laughter, broad smile, simple dressing towards more sophisticated mannerisms and dressing. He gets offended when I turn away due to frustration and says that I do not wish to better myself and dwell in stagnation. He is very displeased that I have not picked up cooking which I intend to when we are not staying with his parents as kitchens are sensitive places in other people's homes. I have however tried to learn in my friend's home quietly. Very often, he would shout at me for saying irrelevant statements that spring from my mind when I see amusing or cute happenings. My heart is unsettled, thinking of when his next barage of explosive remarks. Even my walk and standing posture became questionable. He insults and shouts at me in public and says that the only solution to our marriage is my change or a divorce. He said he wants to divorce me if I do not promise to change. My world shattered into pieces, unbelieving that 3 yrs of togetherness is going to pieces! Back home, he even verbally chased me out of his home a few times which I did go since last Wednesday. He is angry that I have told my family about his abuse and unrelentless criticisms. I have since gone into a Withdrawal stage in marriage and living with my parents. However, I feel a need to go back this Sunday to see what is really bugging him when he comes back from his official week-long trip. He asked me to cook and wait for him - obviously oblivious of any wrongdoing on his part. I wonder if he is a sociopath and whether his personality will ever change. Throughout our courtship, he assured me that my days of being bullied by others is gone when he is around but he is insecure in even ordering of food in a foreign land ! I cannot understand how a drastic change of temper can happen within days of our marriage and worsening during the honeymoon. I told him that his upset is because of his non-acceptance of his wife in marriage and persistent need to compare everything in life from wife to homes..<P>It is extremely insane I know, but I truly love him very much and pray to God for a miracle to happen. Can I and should I move towards conflict & intimacy stage with this man? His parents also cannot control his outbursts and worry for my safety when we live on our own. He knocks his head against the cupboard, bangs his fists against the wall and clobbers his shoulders and chest when he is irate. It hurts me to see him injure himself.<P>Please please help me as I will be meeting him this Sunday at his home not because of his threat that he will meet me a the lawyer's office if I don't but because for some stupid reason, I am holding to a shred of hope to save this marriage and the beautiful times we had in the past. <P>Thank you very much.<BR>firephoenix<BR>

Firepheonix,<P>My heart and prayers go out to you. I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you have been suffering.<P>I never experienced quite that extreme, but in reality you ARE dealing with emotional abuse. It is sometimes harder to recognize and harder to live thru in many cases.<P>I am sure others who reply will have some questions for you. You mentioned, you were together , for 3 years, but he asked for divorce after 2 months?? Was this abuse going on before the marriage, or after the marriage did it start?<P>He should NOT expect you to change in anyway. I learned in my marriage, you can never change the other person, only yourself. In my case, I still tried everything and it didn't work. <P>The way he has treated you is a shame and you do deserve happiness and peace. It sounds like he is definetely trying to control you. <P>I would suggest you see a counselor and try to find some peace right now. Me personally, I would never want to be treated that way. Although I was treated very badly for many years, it took me being totally apart from him for a few months to see it as clearly. I always thought that was normal, since none of my friends were happy in their relationships either.<P>You are a good person and you should be able to be happy with who you are, how you choose to dress, how you smile, and how you live your life. If he is not happy, then he is the one with the problem. Don't let him take your self esteem and don't feel you deserve this or have done something to cause it.<P>Good luck and my prayers are with you. I suffered from emotional abuse for probably 8 out of the last 10 years, and never knew it until 2 months after he left for another woman. My original stories are on the general forum, but I chose to stay here now, as I want a divorce.<P>Be strong and keep us updated. Dana<BR>

{{{Firepheonix}}},<P>Welcome by the way, I just noticed that was your first post. While you are waiting for replies, you can read Jim (NSR)'s post Help on this same forum. He provides a lot of helpful information but I think he is away this week. Be strong and hang in there.<P>Dana

Wow. What an incredible tale. I hope you know there is nothing wrong with you but, it seems obvious to me from what you have posted that your spouse is a very troubled man, IMHO.<P>Everyone here is so wonderful and the wisdom they all have gained through their journeys will help you get through this. We are all glad you are here and hope you'll stay and post often. You will get good advice and a lot of love and support.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dear Dana and Catnip,<P>Thank you for your support and assurance. <P>Dana,Catnip,on hindsight, I think I was under verbal abuse before my marriage but they were much milder. Prior to him, I had a fiance who was my first and only boyfriend. However, I was not happy as he was monotonous, dishonest about his actions, liked going to pubs/discos just to try and be with the "in" crowd. My husband helped me to muster the courage to do something before it is too late, saying that I have to look at this as my whole lifetime happiness to think about. His support especially during my parents' anger at the foiled marriage plans was admirable and sincere. For the first time in my life I truly knew what true love is. The excitement, rejuvenated feeling of living,laughing and holding hands. We were one together. I listened to his advise to improve my dressing then and I am happy but do not intend to change drastically. I became more confident knowng that he will be there for me as my best friend and husband once my parents accepted him. <P>It is precisely the love that I have found that is making me hesitant to end my marriage if by some Godly power, a miracle would happen. I am prepared to work at it if he does. However, now, my family have turned against him and demand that I end this relationship with a mad sociopath at once or NEVER step into my parents' home ever again if the marriage fails. Again, I am torn between my parents and him but this time, without him.<P>Should I proceed with the relationship? Please advise.