I just checked this book out of the library: "Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder". So many of the topics it discusses sound so much like my H and many other betrayers. Among the things that are mentioned are the tendency of people with BPD to view people as either all good or all bad, to feel that they have no control over their emotions (my H actually said that) or what they do in response to them, seeing problems as having only one solution, fear of abandonment. So many of the descriptions sounded exactly like someone in the midst of an affair - but the question is, does the affair cause BPD-like behavior, or are people with BPD more likely to have an affair. BPD is apparently as common as bi-polar and schizophrenia combined.<P>Is anyone else familiar with this book?

Wow, that sounds just like my wife, thanks<BR>for the suggestion. I would suggest that BPD is the leader and the affair is the result. If it is like my W, and my wife said she has no control over what she says, (she actually said she could never tell if what she will say would hurt me or not) that the reason for the quick, sudden decision is due to BPD.<P>I think that is why they jump from one relationship directly to another, without even stopping, because there is only one<BR>solution, black or white.<P>

Nel,<P>My stbx was diagnosed with BPD after he entered counseling when he left. I lived with him for 17 years and knew something was going on but couldn't really define his boredom, black and white behavior, his inability to really function in society. I read that if a BPD lives with someone who provides structure and order to their life they can do quite well at their career choice. Well that is my marriage in a nutshell. <P>Him leaving was like a huge weight being lifted. I am no longer following someone who is searching for a constant cure to his boredom. I am no longer in a relationship where I take care of everything and he just does his job. He is floundering along with his life with the OW, but I find that Im not really sad, Im relieved now she gets to deal w/him. The only thing that I find really trust that he will care for our daughter when he has her for visitation. He took her on his new sail boat with the OW last weekend. He apparently got sea sick and the engine broke and he didn't feel competant enough to sail it in, so he called the coast guard. My daughter came home with this story of being on the boat for 8 hours and how they were rescued. I was pissed that he would take her our when he wasn't skilled enough. He said I was yelling cause Im jealous that he bought a boat. Little things like this is what makes me crazy!<P>Well enough venting. Take care and I will check out that book for more info.<P>GP

Nellie1 . . I read this book.<P>I read the summary and felt it described my wife as well. After reading it I understand some of the extremes this condition (BPD) can cause. Luckily my wife is on the low end of the condition. It causes her to have major self-esteem issues and she feels like she is never good enough. This causes her to shut-down and not interact or discuss things with me which only makes thing worse. In my case I have taken many of the steps suggested to help deal with the condition but there really has not been any improvement. The book lists a number of WEB sites where people discuss issues and solutions. I found them to be helpful in figuring thigs out.<P>I found another book after reading this one titled "Never Good Enough" I can post the author if you need. This described perfectionism and how it can destroy self-esteem. I asked my wife to read it because it seems the BPD creates an attitude much like perfectionism ("Anything I do won't be good enough for you so why even try" or worse). She has not read it yet but I am hopeful. She is seeing a therapist and while some actions are being taken to improve her self-esteem they are only focused on her world. She still pretty much ignores me and everything I do or try for the relationship.<P>I read another book titled "Too good to leave. Too bad to stay". This had many good perspectives regarding a relationship and how it is progressing. In my case the book painted poor prospects for my marriage but I am hanging on hoping to see more change.<P>One thing I found from these and other books is to confront your spouse when they make statements that put you in a dominating role. For example my wife kept telling me I made her feel like an "employee" and I was the "boss". I reflected and thought about how I could change my manners to not come across like that. Eventually I learned it was simply more convienent for her to impress that model on our relationship than to address the real issues. It made her feel better about ignoring me or finding ways to avoid working on the relationship. I finnaly confronted her one night when she brought it up again and told her I was in a partnership, a marriage, not a work environment. I did not ask to be a boss and I would not accept the role. I am an equal part of the relationship and so is she and we both need to work hard for a resolution.<P>This seems to have had a positive effect because it forces her to look at issue without being able to simply make me the bad guy and avoid the pain. <P>I must be honest and tell you that my love bank has only ever been added to maybe 3 or 4 times in 15 years. I made the classic mistake of depositing in her love bank everyday, making her feel loved and comfortable in every way, never really Now it seems with her mild BPD I may never really get the return I need (and quite frankly deserve). <P>She continues to tell me she wants to make it work but her actions paint a different story. I feel so defeated ! I can't believe I am in such a mess. But I know if things don't improve I can't stay in it either. <P>Never knew love could bring such pain.seeing that I did not get any in return.

WhenIfindtheTime,<P>I think that the BPD probably did lead to the affair in my H's case also, rather than the other way around. The seeing things in black and white, the inability to come up with multiple alternatives, was something that had been characteristic of him for quite awhile, though it seemed to be getting worse.<P>Limerick,<P>Unfortunately, I feel much worse off now that my H is gone. In addition with constantly still having to deal with the results of many of issues like inflexibility and projection, he now sees me as "all bad", I think. Shortly after he left he said that he didn't think he could ever have "positive feelings" for me again - to me, it makes no sense that someone could have absolutely no positive feelings for someone that they admitted they loved at one time. Suddenly he didn't like my "basic personality" - a personality he claimed that I must have been hiding. According to the book, many people with BPD take on the persona of whomever they are with - which would certainly explain why he seems to have no mind of his own, and apparently has borrowed part of the OW's. At least before the affair, at least the problems where mitigated by the fact that he cared for me. It is not like I can just not deal with him at all, when we will have joint legal custody of the children. It is like trying to co-parent with a hostile stranger.<P>2dedicated,<P>I think my H is "high-functioning" as well. It seems like some of the "low-functioning" extremes would be really hard to miss. But in some ways that makes it harder, since he functions very well at his job, etc. <P>The book you mentioned, "Never Good Enough" sounds interesting. I am quite sure that self-esteem, or lack thereof, is a major issue for my H.<P>

I just ordered the book, it sounds so much like my W that it couldn't resist. <P>I bet the first words to her therapist were,<BR>"I want a Divorce," and from what I here, the therapist just went. "OK, I'll help you with that," not really exploring why or how she is functioning 180 degrees from the past. But since I am not there, I can't say, but there has been only one day when she admitted that whe was mentally messed up. However, that lasted 12 hours.<P>My W is assuming the personalities of the types she is hanging around with, the same types that took Sheba's H away. They don't respect or support marriage, but are and have GF and BF on the side. She loves the attention being the only woman among these type of men. And other women she now hangs around with have very low family values, all three single, divorced or broken up marriages, and have a reputation at work that does not get her invited to parties, even though her position would suggest that she should be.<P>I wish I knew about this stuff 15 years ago, when her best friends were men hating lesbians.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited April 26, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited April 26, 2000).]

Nellie,<P>I can really relate to your pain caused by your H's change of personality. It was very strange that my H was the one that had the affair yet he was explosivly angry. I too suddenly was "out" with him. He used the OW and his female therapist to replace me in his life. He literaly said in marriage counseling. I feel like I can take my wife and plug a new person in and my life will stay the same. I know that comment really hit home. He revealed just how little he respected me. His therapist advised me to move on, she didn't believe he was interested in working on the marriage. It took me awhile but I finally did move on. Im still not divorced. I filed Mar of 99. My h seems to be in no hurry to end it. I have been waiting for final papers since our mediation on Jan 21. I know he is not interested in me at all, but I think he is afraid that the OW will want a commitment if he is divorced. <P>I hope that you find contentment in your life one day. I know that it is especially hard when you are left raising the children. You wonder if the lifetime you spent with this person was real or all just a lie.

Oh My God!!!..I can't believe the stories posted here. you have all lived my life, why didn't I see this before? I am now the BAD guy and his affair was all my fault. My ex takes on other's personalities as well. Emotionally detached and can't deal with the kids either. He funtions very well at work but at home he was a perfectionist and nothing was ever good enough for him. The OW is now the good guy and I just know he will try to suck the life out of her as well. That's what BPD does..they feed off people and when they suck them dry and there is nothing left to give, they consider them the bad guys who just can't fill their needs. I do worry about my kids 10 and 5. They seem to have perfectionist personalities as well.<BR>This man had no social abilities and no friends. I brought friends into the marriage and it was all my family. He blamed me for not having friends. He couldn't comunicate with anyone and my friends all felt he was bored or boreing. He never listen to country music in his life but now he owns every CD there is. Guess what? The OW is a big fan!!! What does that tell you? He jumped to her before ending it with me and I thought that was his fear of abandonment. He knew I only had so much life in me so he avoided being abandoned by leaving.<BR>These guys are engaged now because no one can meet his needs like she can. Does anyone know how long something like that can last? I think he finally decided to marry her out of fear of losing her too...maybe there was an ultimatum? Maybe he has been way too giving with her ($, trips, car, home, jewlery) and he has to own her now so he can be himself. Can't go emotionally abusing her until they are legally tied, right? Any imput would be great. Okay, all I really want is someone to tell me he's destined for major failure!! Do BPD keep up at work forever or do you think he's in for a fall there too?<p>[This message has been edited by better4it (edited April 29, 2000).]

Insome respects, it was a lie, as the motivations were hidden behind the words and the actions. My W can take any compliment, and turn it against me if she feels like it.<P>If I make an observation about myself or<BR>the present situation, it is taken as criticism by W, then it can come back and get me anytime. By the way, I figured out that<BR>I could only ask questions, any statement or opinion was threatening, challenging, and embarrassing to her. As long as she was the answer person, she was fine. If i disagreed with her, 5 minutes later, often times there would be a vindictively set up question that would put me down or show that I was wrong or inconsiderate about something irrelevant. Almost happens like clockwork.<P>So yes, it was a well planned, deception that was taught by family of origin as well as passed through the gene pool. And I knew it was there when I got married, but didn't pay much attention to it because of my <BR>life experiences, but never knew it would take this turn.<P>But we are not all perfect, and I have my faults. I just admit them, and apologize for them when I am not put on the defensive.<P>thl

WhenIfindtheTime,<P>I suppose I should have realized that my H assumed the personalities of his SO when he told me that years before he met me, he had started smoking "in self-defense" because his girlfriend smoked. Even at the time I didn't get it.<P>Limerick,<P>I do wonder whether anything about the last 25 years was real. Apparently I was doing and saying things in his mind that never really happened. <P>better4it,<P>I think that a lot of my H's issues have to do with fear of abandonment. Several things he has said bit by bit are giving me hints that he thought he wasn't as loved as he thought he should be - and most of these things are completely imaginary.