Hi Gang;<BR>I need advise. I was the betrayed in my relationship. My h is completely addicted to this ow and he even admits thats possible but in his mind it is love like he has never know. <P>Brief backround-We have been together 19 years, married 12 of those years. He met this woman at work and she was going thru a rough time in her marriage and she leaned on my h for support. Their relationship became immediately sexual in nature. She is an extremely sexual person that dresses very provacativly. She went after my h after she saw what a decent man he was. She wanted what he and I had together. <P>My h and I tried to work on the marriage but he never was able to withdraw from her. She always made her presense know. She finally as a last straw began to date other men and got breast implants. Well, she really knew how to get my h back. He did go back to her. <P>He had now been living with her for over 3 months. He claims he made the right decision and he is happy.<P>I totally disagree. I think he does feel happy but I know he still loves me. In fact he tells me he loves me but he says he loves her more. <P>We had a great marriage. We were know around town as the best couple. I always felt completly happy. Went to counseling and even my counselor told me that my h was just not ready to be there. He lied throughout it. he was just going thru the motions. <P>Now, I went ahead and filed for divorce becasue I figured why stay in a marriage when your spouse is constantly eyeing another. Whats the point? But, after finding this sight and continued counseling i realize that I just don;t feel comfortable with this decision at this time. <P>My h has no grounds to divorce me so if I stop the divorce, he will not be able to divorce me for i think at least a year. I think that would give him enough time to see if what he is feeling is real or if the infatuation will wear off. Mind you we have 2 wondeful kids together that he just adores. OW has 3 teenage kids of her own. <P>Something about this whole situation just doesn't seem right to me. All of my h's family and friends also believe he has been brainwashed and is so lost right now. I wish you all could know him and realize just how much he has changed. <P>Have you ever seen the Brady Bunch? We were like Mike and Carol for 19 years. Now picture this trampy woman coming along and promising this incredible life of sex and he just fell for it. He has changed so much and is no longer that Mike Brady person anymore. He is so convinced that what he did was what is making him happy. He even admitted that he is looking out for his own happiness and he knows that it is selfish.<P>Sorry for rambling but i just want you to kinda know what I am up against. A powerful sexual addiction. She has gotten him into porn, masturbation and lord knows what else.<P>So, with all that backgroud, did you think I would be better off in postponing the divorce and just go for a legal separation at this time? I just feel I owe it to myself and my kids to make sure that this is really what gives him true happiness. <P>Last note--I have not met one person i know who has anything nice to say about OW. Everyones opinion is the same. She is a tramp that loves attention. <P>What will it take for my h to wake up to her? Do you think its possible or can the addiction be that strong???<P>Please help. I need it<P><BR>

Boy, you have a tough situation. I have not had to deal with the 'other person' issue, so I can;t offer any advice there. But insofar as the seperation issue.... my STBX asked for one but would not agree to seek counseling or do anything that was conducive to getting things back on track. I said no, and eventually she agreed to seek counseling. At this point it's become apparent that she really thinks she wants to move on, but she also is realizing that a lot of the problems we had were as much her fault as mine.<P>I guess for me seperation doesn't make sense unless there's a plan associated with it. Do you want to seperate simply because you don't want to get divorced??? If you did seperate, would you set a framework in place with your H that after X months, you'll be shutting the door and asking for divorce?<P>And make sure you know the local laws on divorce. My STBX thought we had to be separated for 2 years before she could fiule for divorce, that was how it was where she grew up, 25 years ago. Things are pretty different in most states now.<P>It sounds like the core of the relationship with the OW is sexual. That's kind of like frosting on the cake, it tastes great... but eventually you get sick and unhealthy without better nourishment. I wouldn't give your H and OW more than a year before the thrill wears off... that's my guess.<P>Hope that helps! Chuck

In seperation, as I understand, will protect yourself finacially, but what ever assests he aquires after the seperation you will not have right too if you file for D. If H is not paying you anything and you need the money you could file for support but not seperation or D.<P>My H is like your H. He was totally brain washed. It has been almost 7 months. He sent me a email a couple of weeks ago and said it was like he was in a fog and just now waking up (this after O/W spent weekend with another guy)<P>My H was a decent guy, eagle scouts, active dad ect. He totally changed.<P>I had to file for D, but it is on hold for now. I filed for custody reasons. Though now looking back I had wished I had not of. I do not think H would of had the balls (excuse me) to do it, and now that I have the D in works he uses it as a crutch.<P>In my case the O/W had to show her TRUE colors in order for my H to wake up, and now he is like mourning losing her....Geez......<P>If you have it in you to hang in there, and you do not need money to support you and your kids then I think IMHO I would just wait it out a while longer.<P>I will be thinking of you!<P>Another thing, while you are hanging there take care of yourself. Do things you have never done before. I got a manicure for the first time........fun!

Yes, seperation should primarily be used as a business arrangement, from what I've read. If you stand to lose things like healthcare benefits, or need to stay married for a bit longer to be vested in benefits like social security, then it can make sense.<P>My dad left my mom after 19 yrs and 10 months. Turns out at 20 years she would have been fully vested in his SS benefits.... for them to have waited a couple months (or done a seperation) would have made sense. BTW, I believe the SS rules are now different. <P>One more tidbit of info......

Mystic,<BR>If you don't want a divorce, don't file. My H's affair began over 2 years ago. He moved out of our house 7 times, but never actually lived with her.<P>Good signs on your H's part:<BR>He says he loves you. (ignore the OW)<BR>You have kids together, requiring conversation.<BR>He did go to counseling, even if it wasn't productive.<BR>You've got good memories together--remind him if you can.<BR>His situation is textbook affair with the new "love" and "great sex".<BR>Does he want to parent her teenage kids when he has children of his own? Nothing crumbles fantasy like a teenager...<P>Go to Plan A in the Harley materials.<P>Other good books:<BR>-Divorce Busting by Weiner-Davis<BR>-The Five Love Languages & Hope for the Separated both by Chapman<BR>-How to Get your lover Back by Harris<P>Couples do get through this, but it takes time and determination.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Thanks for all your advise. <P>I want my h to be the one to end this marriage. When I got married I made a commitment and I want to be able to say that i followed thru on my end. I feel as though I was being forced to file for divorce to make his life easier. In some way, I think this also might make the OW angry. Maybe that is selfish on my part but hell he is my husband. Perhaps it might even speed up him realizing just what he is throwing away.<P>I just believe i can feel at peace now with this decision and not feel forced to do something i am so against especially when I believe with all my heart that he is just so lost right now. There might be that slight ray of hope that he could be found again. <P>I will contact my lawyer and find out more details. <P>Has anyone else gone thru something similar or has your marriage gotten back on track after calling off the divorce???