My wife of 8 years and mother of my two boys (almost 4 and almost 2) is involved in EA/PA approx. 2 months old and wants divorce. Her stated intent is to file within a week. She sees our marriage as having been a business arrangement in which we coordinate daily life well but there was not much beyond that. Wants more in a relationship than she is willing to envision ever having with me. Emotional intimacy is her primary unmet need.<P>Currently plan A-ing and working to improve myself. We have been in counseling for last nine weeks and it has been very beneficial to highlight many of the ways that I have taken her for granted over the years - many emotional needs left unmet through my inaction - and her resultant feelings of being un-loved. Complacency is a terrible thing - it led me to believe that there would always be time later (when life, work, etc. was less busy) to be a better husband, to really work on improving our relationship. I truly believe I am now changing to be a better person and consequently a better husband - not as much for her as for me - but she is unwilling to even consider abandoning the affair or working to rebuild our marriage. She believes that any positive change in me would take years (and is unwilling to wait that long) and is convinced that the end result would always be far short of what she wants.<P>The immediate issue is that her attorney has advised that her filing and moving out could be construed to be abandonment with respect to custody of the kids. Consequently, she wants me to move out, but I am right now unwilling to do so. Major love busting? I don't honestly know. My pattern over the years has been to agree to her demands - likely in vain attempt to make her happy. I'm unwilling to continue doing that as it stifles open emotional communication. <P>I have no desire for our marriage to end and have been advised that moving out could detrimentally affect any future custody issues. I believe that our continued living together offers the most opportunity for her to see changes in me and, thereby, the best probability for future reconcilliation. However, if my moving out would alleviate some tension between us to afford more open communication, maybe it would be a good course of action. Advise anyone?<P>Issue of custody may be moot, as in this state it is extremely rare for custody to be given to husband. If there is a probability of success, I would pursue primary custody; however, I don't want to make this process needlessly difficult and more financially burdensome if the issue is moot.<P>The irony is that she sincerely says that she wants to do "what is best for the children." Unfortunately, the ultimate best - the development of a loving, stable home with both parents - is not something she is willing to even consider. Her sole intent right now appears to be getting a divorce accomplished as quickly, "painlessly", and with as little detrimental impact on the kids as possible.<P>The second issue is better meeting emotional needs. How do you consistently make efforts to meet needs that the spouse is consistently uwilling to have met and are being met by another? I know to expect rejection & am, by now, thoroughly experienced in that regard, but how do you reach out to share the depths of your heart with someone who's primary effort right now is to destroy that heart?<P>My earnest desire is to rebuild our marriage. She is still the woman that I married, the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with - at least she is somewhere inside the depths of this malignant creature who has developed over the last few months. I love her. <P>My trust is in God to work in both of us and restore our marriage in His time, but I know we must take action in accordance with His will, that He most often works through people. I am so uncertain as to the best courses of action.<P>Thanks for any input.

Sorry to hear of your situation. My advice: don't move out. I know with my STBX, that would come back to haunt me later ('if you really wanted things to work you wouldn;t have left!'). Plus, the kids will always remember that you left, and actions speak louder than words. (yes they are young, but it will become part of the common hostory they will share with you). I have told my STBX that she needs to initiate the moves, the filing, etc. I want her to be accountable for her behavior and 'being a nice guy' and accomodating her just doesn't work for me. And I've seen progress... she hasn't filed and now she is the one who insists we have couples counseling.<P>And I'm in the same boat on the emotional needs issues. The biggest hurdle I face is getting her to let me back into her emotional life... there's a lot of past history issues that simply prevent her from looking forward at what could be. It simply is a lot of work, and never done.<P>Hope that helps, good luck!

First off.....Do NOT move out. Be honest with her. Tell her you will not move out because that means that you have given up on your family. While she has decided to do that, you have not. You love her and you love your kids and you won't walk from that no matter how hard she pushes. Say it filled with love, not bitterness. Then stay in the house. Don't over whelm her with affection (it's the emotional support she wants and needs right now), and if she has thoughts of somebody else, you being intimate will push her away (believe me, I know). Instead be the perfect husband. I know from having two children myself that the best way that my husband can get to me is to help me with the "mommy" stuff. Do things without her asking. Take the kids to the park and then give them their bath when you return. Start dinner, clean up afterwards. Notice that the floor needs to be vacumed without her asking you. Be the mate that is filling her emotional needs. Don't ask her what you can do to help, instead figure it out on your own. You are right, you have the best chance if you stay in the home together. If she leaves for awhile to run errands or whatever and you suspect she's meeting the other man instead of getting upset (easier said then done), just remind her that you love her and to think about what she's missing while she is gone. States vary as far as custody but I think your right, most of the time the mother does get the custody. In my state it isn't that way though. The one with the custody is the one that is with the kids during seperation and the one that was the primary care giver for most of their life. So, be a primary care giver. Also, a lot of states offer joint physical custody which works if the parents live close to each other so that the kids can keep up with their same daycare or school regardless of the home they are in. I think if your marriage DOES end in divorce that is your best bet for maybe getting back together later on in life. By sharing physical custody your forced to really communiate and see each other often. Your kids are still little and right now she's probably feeling overwhelmed with being a very busy mom. The easy way out is to run. But, when she gets her head out of the clouds I think she'll sing a different tune. Her relationship is still pretty new with this other man which "I think" is an advantage to you. To be "real" love it takes time and they haven't had that much time. Best of luck to you.

Thanks for the responses chuckb & BonnieSept. My gut tells me not to move and my experience is that my gut is usually right on target. I will probably go with that absent some compelling reason to the contrary. <P>OM is geographically separate - lives 1000 miles away, so the prospect of incidental physical contact is remote. What is more difficult her time spent at the computer (affair started as an email relationship with co-worker). I am trying to give her space while showing that our relationship offers promise, but I am sorely tempted to close down her online access to prevent at least one form of contact. Whether that would be productive or merely vindictive I don't know.<P>I am working to be the best husband and father possible - the kids and house are virtually my sole responsibility from the time I return from work until they go to bed and on the weekends as spouse wants to be so far withdrawn from me that if I am with children, she will not be (at least not for very long).<P>She is in an individual session w/ out conselor as I write this message. Prayers for both of us, and for our family, would be dearly appreciated.<P>Thanks again for your encouragement.

I agree with above. My W was/is having an affair. This created tremendous tension in the household. She tried to move out to her parents house, very close by, but it didn't work out. So I, being the "good guy", moved out to reduce the tension. BIG MISTAKE. Allowed her to deepen the relationship, and kept me from demonstrating changes that were needed. STAY, STAY, STAY. You must deal with and diffuse the tension at every opportunity. This is much easier than it sounds when someone is trating you so badly.<P>Good Luck.

Texan,<P>I wholeheartedly agree with the others. When my then w refused to end the affair, I told her she couldn't stay in the home and date. She chose to move out. I thought reality of her trying to make it on her own would jolt her back into reality as Harley's principles suggest. However om picked up her hotel stay for the week. The following week she found an apartment and om moved in within another 2 weeks.<P>Your advantage is that om is far away and if she is attached to your kids she should be unwilling to run to him.<P>Your state of marriage sounds alot like mine. I took her for granted alot too. <P>How are your counsleing sessions going? My x used ours to dump on me. Does she seem willing to work on marraige in these sessions? What's with her counseling without a counselor? I know you can't control who she sees but is it someone that supports marriage or is ot someone who supports "finding yourself ?"<P>Sorry to hear about your situation, but it does sound like there is hope!<P>God Bless<P>Bob

RWD - sorry for typo in my last post. Sentence should have read "She is in an individual session w/ our counselor . . ." I guess that version will make a little more sense. Counselor is good - trained w/ Larry Crabb and strong biblical base. Most of our time with him to date has been exploring problems that I bring to the relationship - emotionally distant, non-expressive, etc. It has been helpful to define some of the historical causes of deterioration in our relationship. <P>I don't really know if this tack is because he believes that the problems I bring to the table are the only ones relevant or if it is because he perceives (probably correctly) that that is likely all she is willing to explore at this time. I can't help but feel that the time spent exploring the error of my ways to some degree reinforces her desire to leave, and that is very frustrating. However, she is very receptive to anything he says, including some comments of ways she could work to improve the relationship.<P>As to willingness to work on marriage, that is a closed book as far as my wife is concerned. She has thoroughly rationalized that, whatever the pain of divorce and the problems induced by that choice, it is preferable to staying married. She is willing only to look at what our relationship has been (with a decidedly negative slant to that evaluation) and not at what it could be. I am hopeful that, in God's time, that perspective will change; but I see not objective basis for that belief at this point.<P>I guess it is some solace to know that the kids will always be a force joining us - at least that will give constant contact in some degree which will allow her to see that change is possible. However, I haven't a clue as to the time frame it will take her to be able to admit evidence of that change and what may occur prior to that time.<P>Thanks for your support and prayers.<P>Texan