I am in the middle of a divorce and although my husband said he was leaving because we are not meant for each other (we have been married 13 yrs. -together 18 yrs.) he also has begun a relationship with a co-worker at work. But they have only talked (yeah, right). Anyway, everyone I know has been saying that you can't expect a man to remain faithful anymore. This world has just changed to much. There is porno on the internet and supposedly almost every man is looking at that. There are women everywhere that men are attracted to and can't avoid. Is this true. Is there any hope for me finding another man eventually who can remain faithful and not get caught up in all the internet emails and porno, etc.?<BR>I have seen some really good posts from men on this site and I think there a still a few good men out there. Please confirm. I need hope!

I believe I am still a good man. I try my best everyday. I wanted to be with my W til we were old and gray, forsaking all others. I made my share of mistakes but I always tried to do right by my family.<P>God will put someone in your life as he will mine. I have faith in that. There are too many on these boards that prove that.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<P><BR>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited April 26, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited April 26, 2000).]

711<P>I know some good ones out, but unfortunetly they are all married.<P>I think the best place to look is the church. I know its not 100% guarantee, but the odds are alot better.<P><BR>God Bless,<P>Bob

Bob you are too modest. You are a good man my friend.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks William and RWD.<P>I have been going to church and I am attending a divorce support group at the church as well. I agree that the church would be the best place to meet someone. I met my STBX while on summer break from college at a ABC liquor lounge (it was the only place to go dancing in my home town 18 years ago). Yikes!<P>I'm glad to hear that there are men out there who still have the same values I have. Hopefully, when I meet one, I will know how to communicate with him and develop a satisfying relationship for both of us. I learning that now through this site, counseling and support groups. I am attending a Frest Start seminar this weekend with my 5 year old and hope to learn alot more.<P>Thanks for the hope.

I have only been (sexually) with one woman, my Wife. I don’t get into the porno. Sure there are attractive women everywhere, but I am still married so they’ll just have to wait (sorry ladies ).<P>There are plenty out there. It just seems they are all scum. Sorta like when you get a new car. Seems every other car is the same as yours.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

711-<P>Many people here ask themselves that question after they have experienced the earthquake like impact of what couples here strive to find their way back from.<P>So, like WilliamJ, RWD & et al, I still belive that I'm made up of more of the good... but I'm honest with myself and take the responsibility for the mistakes and failures I have contributed to, as well those I've helped cause. I also believed, that I would grow old & Gray...together...but that did not happen.<P>MB clearly tells us that trying to steer your relationship around the roadblocks and LoveBusting & Relationship behaviors that can sink a marriage or relationship... takes more work, caring and nuturing love than we all initially ever understood or realized in the beginning or early parts of our relationships. Working on meeting your partners most imporant Emotional Needs is something that many of us see and have confirmed and validated for the first time after we visit the site.<P>We all come to this site to try and find the strength, guiding light and tools that can help us find our way back...to our relationship or marriage while trying to build and grow our sense of self and relationship issues.<P>So many of us here are really trying to do better...learn as much as we can from the experiences cast upon us and the paths we have walked down, allowing us to grow, heal and hopefully move forward in a loving and caring way to help us to deliver everything we can for the chance of to successfully build it back!<P>Good people (Men and Women) are a plenty here... I agree with WilliamJ and RWD...you just gotta make sure you don't forget to look!<P>mrrlk

711,<BR>Yes they exist and the majority of them are married and most definitely will be found in church because they are devoted to Him. A man deovted to Him is a REAL man and not the worldly macho man of the world. A real man wants to server rather than be server. A real woman wants to do the same because it is God's mandate that we give our ENTIRE selves over to Him to do His will.<P>Many have called me good, but I give the credit to Jesus because it is He who is living His life through me. He has given me great upspakable JOY in the midst of this mess. He is why I am sane. He is why I love her all the more. The closer I get to Him the more I love her. So the real credit belongs to Him.<P>Pray and submit to Him and He will give you what you need most. MONDO HUG!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

I like to feel I am a good man. Faithful, honest, totally crazy about my W, willing to do everything and anything for her. My name on this site even points to a trait.<P>I work with plenty of guys who are not. They boast of their "conquests" and pay more than a little attention to the pretty women.<P>My problem is that I may have been *too good* a man and my wife does not appreciate me anymore. She pretty much expects to be treated like the gift that I feel she is without returning the favor. You can guess where our respective love banks are. Hard to understand how I got in this mess, just following God's direction and keeping my wedding vows.<P>Anyway I am working through the concepts here, seeing thearapists, reading all of these posts, reading tons of books, and trying to bring my wife to see what it is she has. She finnaly went for therapy as well and many months later she is happy to pursue things that will make her feel better but still has little energy to work on the relationship.<P>Hey if things keep going the way they are going a really good man might be back on the market (I can see the ad - A slightly used, good condition, low milage man. Only one broken heart but runs well)<P>

Well, is it just me? Good or not, I simply don't want another man in my life. I feel like I've given up too much of myself already and for what? Broken promises, heartache, tears, sorrow, etc. I don't know if I can EVER again fully commit myself to someone else the way I did my H. I gave him everything for 15 years and he finds someone else and simply walks away. As far as porno goes - yes my H was into porno...on the net and magazines. I personally find it unappealing (to say the least). It always bothered me, but if I ever brought it up he made me feel like an idiot. He felt it was perfectly normal and natural for men to enjoy pornography. I now realize this was a major red flag. At the time, I didn't. I'm sure there are good men out there, but as a woman, I feel like I have to give up so much of myself I just don't think I can ever go back to that. Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Thanks for all the replys.<P>I'm glad to see there are some dedicated men out there. I wish all of you the best.<P>Keridwyn:<P>I feel alot like you. That's why I posted this question. I feel much more hopeful now with all these good men posting here. I think they are right. We need to just let some time pass and then look in the right places for the next person. I'm scared about dating. I haven't dated since I was 18 and in my first year of college. When I was 16, I met my first serious boyfriend and we dated until I went to College. We then went to separate colleges and dated other people for a very very short time and then we broke up and I met my husband right after that. So, I really haven't dated at all. <P>I have two girls (3 & 6) and I'm 36 years old. It's hard enough finding a guy when you are 18. What about now? Luckily, I have lost some weight and look better than I have in years, so that is on my side. I also have God in my life and am such a better person now than I was before. So, I think I will have some blessings soon. I just hope I find the right man this time. I'm going to take my time and pray for guidance every step of the way. Hopefully, that will keep me from ending up with the same type of man again. Like the ones we have described in our emails.

Keridwen,<P>You mentioned that the interest in pornography should have been a red flag. I wonder - at what point does it become a red flag. Society seems to "expect" men to be interested in pornography. The extremes are obvious - if they spend many hours a day on pornographic sites, that is obviously a bad sign. On the other hand, if you refused to have anything to do with any man who had ever looked at a Playboy, there probably wouldn't be too many men left to choose from. How do you determine when it exceeds the bounds of "normal"?

I want to post, but don't want to get shoes thrown at me. I think there are many good men and women out there most if not all submitted to God, or will have to be in order to last for any length of time. I feel we do bring out good and or bad in each other. My wife and I have almost divorced and have had times of separation during our 15 years together. It is only God, work, learning, and help of others {support like this site etc.} that has kept us together. I am blessed in the fact that my wife allows us to look together at some materials that seem to spark a desire for us to get the relationship physical again. She does allow and looks at some stuff with me which helps me have a freedom not to desire to look or if I do it is not fun as it is ok so to speak. I have not cheated on my wife and have no need to cheat on my wife. I do not have a desire to when we are working together like this. This is my second marriage and I did not have this freedom in my first marriage and eventually committed adultery. In both marriages we have tried to have a walk with the Lord, but have had a different approach to the marriage bed. We can be good people, but can be considered bad, or be made bad, by partners in our life. I hope others see what I am trying to say. Maybe some can add to it and make it more complete. <P>------------------<BR>Married Man Trying & doing better day by day.

Dear 711,<P>I really don't feel that I am a good man, but I do know that the only perfect man who ever lived promised that he would have his spirit live in me. I am so sorry for your situation, it is not what God wanted for you. <P>You are correct, you will be able to meet a good man at church, his name is Jesus Christ. I really believe that if you focus all of your energies on developing and maintaining a relationship with him, he will one day reward you with a representative on this earth who is a whole lot like him. But the catch is that he may make you wait until you are completely fulfilled with your relationship with him before he sends you the right husband. <P>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint."<BR>Isaiah 40:31<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

711, <BR> All I wanted to do was to give my W a nice,comfortable life,and eventually a nice retirement.But I felt like the more I did for her,she just took it for granted.She was always restless,and always seem to want more than I could give her.Oh well,her next H can do everything for her.<BR> I feel like Keridwen,tired of giving and only expected to give more.Now I wish I had married someone who could just be happy with what she had.Nice house,new car,nice vacations,lots of money for clothes,etc,a H who never lied to her,was faithful,and did his fair share;it just wasn't enough.<BR> I haven't dated for a long time.After my divorce,not sure what I'll do.I guess I'd settle for a women who I could just pal around with before getting serious with anybody.Not sure if I'd ever marry again.<BR> I hear men at work talk about getting some"on the side",getting into porn sites,and bad-mouthing their W's.I guess I'm not made that way.They say everyone's wired for affairs,but I never could of hurt my W in that way.Not that I'm perfect by any means,I didn't take my marriage vows lightly.<BR> OK,I'll get off my pedestal now.One of my big problems is I tend to forget things.Let's see...now where did I leave my medication for my homicidal tendencies?<BR> --Murph

Thanks for the additional responses. It is so helpful to hear all the different perspectives on this.<P>John - I loved your post. You're absolutely right. Jesus is the only one who can truly meet all my needs. I pray a simple prayer everyday. I pray for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. It seems that my best days now are the days that I just turn everything over to him and pray for the power to forgive. I also like the saying "What would Jesus Do". It helps in the worst of times.<BR>

I think there are men out there, I think for us betrayed women it will be if we can ever trust again.<P>I had hoped that I could move to recovery but my H has decided that he cannot make a go of our marriage. When is it their decision and not a mutual one.<P>I want a relationship someday. I hope there is a man out there.....I am 41.....with 3 teenagers.

Nellie...in answer to what is "normal", I guess there is no clear cut answer. Personally, a man who looks at Playboy now and again doesn't bother me. I do think that is probably normal. But I found stacks and stacks of my H's porno mags hidden in the backs of closets. I found them tucked between the mattresses of our bed. I found hundreds of pictures downloaded off the internet. He and I worked different shifts, so I really don't know how much time he spent doing this, but it had to be a lot. I think his behavior was "abnormal". I just allowed myself to have blinders on. That's my 2 cents worth.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

711<P>I was separated from my wife for 4 years before we divorced. For the first 3 years and 10 months I didn't date at all.<P>I continued to believe for restoration with my wife. In fact, my wife is the ONLY woman I've ever had sex with. We were both virgins when we married back in 1966.<P>Our divorce was final the 14th of last month ending a 33-1/2 year marriage.<P>I am deeply committed to honoring Jesus in my marriage relationship and I am truly a 'one woman man'.<P>There are some of us left.....but I honestly believe that ONLY Jesus Christ can make the difference.<P>[censored] from Texas

Murph & Kerwiden - Your posts could have been written by me as well. It seemed the more I did for my H the less he wanted our marriage. I put him and our marriage first in my life, but apparently that was not enough for him. I too, was loyal, loving and hardworking. We had (which I now live in alone) a wonderful home, great friends, were involved at our church, and had many blessings that many other people would give anything to have. To him it meant nothing. He would rather live with his twice-divorced mistress (correction, wife - he has married her just recently) and live in a rented duplex in a seedy part of the community. I was separated 2.5 years before the divorce was final. I made a conscious decision that I would not date or have a relationship until my divorce was final. Still do not feel ready yet, even though the divorce has been final for a year now. Even though my H did not honor his vows, I thought it the right thing to do and honor mine until the marriage was legally over, at the very least. I am Catholic, and have decided to pursue an annulment, even though there is no one else in the picture. I want to do this for myself, as a way of freeing myself emotionally and spiritually from all bonds I had with him, as I will never be able to trust or respect him ever again. I too, wonder if I will ever find someone trustworthly enough that I will feel safe again in a relationship. If all humans are wired for infidelity, I might just stay single!! I will, say, though, that even though he treated me badly and I had none of my needs met in the marriage for a long period of time, I did not have an affair or throw him away like a piece of trash that I no longer had use for, as he did with me. Marriage is more than just a business deal where you use the other person to get your needs met and when you don't get them, even if they are unrealistic, you feel justified to "trade in" your spouse so you can get a "better deal" with someone else. If that's all marriage is, I do not want it. But I believe it is so much more. It is a committment to stay together, for better (when needs are met) or worse (when they are not)and work together to see each other through the rough times, having faith that the other will not "bail" when the going gets tough, and that through love and perserverence, two people can make a life together that meets most of their needs. One person cannot met all of someone's needs. There are some that cannot be filled be a spouse. But there are certain needs that should not be filled by anyone other than your spouse. Once you go outside your marriage to get those filled, you are asking for trouble! Sorry this is so long - I'm just on a rant - even though I have accepted that my marriage is over, It still seems like such a waste, such an unecessary thing to have happened. A marriage destroyed, people hurt, too much money spent on lawyers, and what for? I think my ex-H will find out within a few years that it (his affair) was probably not worth what it cost him in money, time and pain.<p>[This message has been edited by Lady M (edited April 28, 2000).]