The man I am to marry in a few months has only been seperated from his wife of 10 yrs. for 4 months. She is still in love with him and because he is not in love with her insist that there is nothing wrong with him staying in close contact with her. He does this by email and chat. He says that they are "just friends." I said there is no way that they can be just friends because of the intimacy they have shared and because of her still loving him. This relationship is so important to him that in his own way he has given me an ultimatim. He will not give her up even at the expense of our relationship or me. I have no problems with contact to discuss business issues that need to be resolved but because of her feelings for him I feel very hurt with personal chat and email. He feels I am destroying the relationship because I cannot accept his behavior and I feel he is because our relationship should be his priority. I feel that maybe in the future I could accept this kind of friendship but I am not comfortable with it now. He is not giving our relationship time to flourish and become strong and therefore it cannot help but come to an end. Am I just being overly sensitive concerning his former wife as he says? Am I wrong in my belief that they cannot be "just friends" at this time?

You didn't say why they are separated, but I guess all I can comment on are things I gather from your post. How can your relationship be strong enough for marriage if he has only been separated 4 months? Were you seeing each other while he was married? If so, do you think he won't do the same to you someday? If not, 4 months is not enough time to get to know someone well enough to make the commitment marriage entails. And it is also not enough time for him to get over the feelings he obviously still has for her. Is it wrong for you to feel betrayed? Yes and no. Do they have children together? If so, she will be a part of his life for a long time, possibly forever. Can you deal with that? If she still loves him why isn't he willing to give her a chance? This is not to try and beat you down...these are just things that I see from your post. If it were me I wouldn't marry someone under these circumstances because marriage needs a solid foundation, and this doesn't sound like one. I just don't want it to come back and haunt you, because it will hurt more later than it does now...believe me! God bless.
<br> Ryan

Charlee,
<br>No, you are not wrong and I say you would be a fool to marry him. I know that's strong language but if you read the posts in this forum you'll see how many of us have made mistakes we wish we hadn't.
<br>In your case it is clear that he is not exhibiting the maturity level and sensitivity necessary for marriage. I think if you marry him with his attitude it will be a big mistake and a pain you could have avoided.
<br>How can he just walk away from his former wife? Why doesn't he love her any more? If he did that to her he can do it to you, I mean unless he had very good reason.
<br>Bottom line; he is not showing maturity or responsibility in this and it sounds like not much time has passed between now and the last relationship, which he obviously is not ready to let completely go of. I say you better take a firm stand now, however bad it may make you feel, because the potential pain to come if you don't will make the present circumstances look like a picnic.

Charlee,
<br>I doubt this is what you want to hear, but he clearly has not resolved issues from his previous marriage. Until he can do so, I would not consider marrying him.
<br>I wonder how you can marry him in a few months if he has only been separated for 4 months - is he totally divorced now or just separated. Were you seeing him while he was still living with his wife - no disrespect - just wondering if he had any in between time. It does make a difference.
<br>Are there children from his previous marriage? Have you been married before?
<br>I would strongly suggest reading "His Needs, Her Needs" before committing to marrying him. It seems that you both need to decide if either/both of you are ready to take that next step.
<br>I wonder if you were unavailable if he would go back to his wife? I know you don't want to hear this, but if he would, then a marriage with him would be pretty scary, and my guess, pretty short lived. Have you thought about telling him you need a little space to think things through and taking the risk of him returning to his wife. If he does, then your relationship/marriage would/will be very painful for you.
<br>Before you marry, for your own best interests, you need to be certain that his last relationship is resolved. I would suggest counseling together, and/or on your own before taking the next step.
<br>Good luck - hope things work out for you in the future.
<br>Sara