This is a continuation of a thread titled 'Getting Divorced Right'.... and as the title implies... it appears my W has decided against divorce and, assuming things stay on track, I'll be continuing this this thread in a different area than the 'Divorced/Divorcing' topic area shortly! <P>So here's whats up. First, I have used this topic as a means to discuss things with others, and to document what I've been through since my W announced her desire to split up in June 99. She hasn't had a huge problem with me per se, but had expectations that were not being met (like that marriage should be 24-7 goosebump love.... even after 17 years), and simply wanted to get out on her own. No infidelity or anything, indeed we are best friends and have a great family (3 kids) and overall life. Which is not to say I'm without fault, I have plenty...... but I've been unable to get her to engage in a sincere effort to improve our relationship.... but I think that's about to change.<P>I feel that we are truly starting anew. What stuck with me when she said she no longer wanted to get divorced was that she didn't qualify it with 'if things get better'. Which is good, she has finally realized that the security, friendship, and support I provide is pretty good and worth sticking around for. My next challenge is to get her to believe that she can still find love with me, and to help her start down a path that will enable that to happen for her. She's a 'Walk Away Wife' who has finally stopped walking away, but is not yet truly engaged in the couples process of creating mutual love.<P>A note about the dynamics of this topic. It is a sort of 'focused chat', and there are several regulars here, some in the divorce process, others on the way back from the brink, and a couple that aren't considering it but joined in from other topic areas and have become good friends. We welcome any and all, and hope our ongoing discussions (which can wander at times) don't prevent people from joining in. We also joke, and keep ourselves happy with teasing.. and even flirt sometimes! <P>A universal bit of advice I've received is to keep myself happy.... no spouse is going to want to stay with a depressed partner. This thread has let me do just that, which can be quite a challenge when being faced with the loss of not only your spouse, but the kids and family life as it has been. This thread is great, I'm proof the process is a good one because I've not had an affair, nor have I been living at the local watering hole, or doing a lot of the things that others in a similar situation sometimes do.... which ultimately further damages their marriage. This internet based support group is great and I have much to be thankful for with all of those who participate!<P>Well, its a new week and my W (not STBX!) and I will be seeing our couples therapist in couple hours... it should be an interesting week!

Good luck at the counseling session, Chuck. It should be very eye-opening, I would think. Got your seatbelt fastened for this rollercoaster ride you're on, I hope! LOL Just remember...you're elated right now. Your dream has come true. Your W, however, has taken a big step but has many baby steps to go through. Be patient (which you always are) and continue what you've been doing. Everything is going to be great for you two!

Good post Kim and I agree Chuck. Good luck.

The following is posted relative to the last post from Steve Harley in the 'Getting Divorced Right' thread. Here's his post verbatim.<P>-----------------------<P>Welcome new forum members.<BR>I just wanted to make a quick note here to address some growing concerns.<P>I'll assume that by now you've taken the time to lurk around our community here to get a feel for the group dynamics. Although the members may have changed, the dynamics have stayed pretty much the same for over 2 years now. It's a wonderfully supportive group we have here!<P>I am concerned about the clique you have here. In short, it can severely damage a group dynamic. Other group members tend to become more reserved in their questions and support, and even wonder why your here in the first place. The result is a generalized deflation of the group.<P>I'm not clear about why you were kicked out of DB's forum, but I'm sure Michelle had a good reason. My guess is that it had something to do with the same issue that we are forced to deal with here. The dynamics you faced at DB are much the same here at Marriage Builders. The thought is if things didn't go well over there, then things won't go well over here either unless something changes.<P>Please understand that my comments have nothing to do with server load, congestion, or financial issues of any kind. It all comes down to basically two things: maintaining an open discussion AND a sense of community.<P>You are all welcome to participate here and are encouraged to do so. If you have any questions about how this community works, all you need to do is ask and someone will jump in and help.<P>One last thing. This is not a public forum. At least not in the way the term "public" has been thrown around. This is a privately owned forum that has been made available to those who agree to abide by the Rules and Guidelines, in addition to the guidelines on the forum welcome page.<P>God bless,<P>Steve<P>-------------------<P>Wow. First, a bit of fact. We were not asked to leave the DB site, we left when we noticed postings getting lost in general, not just ours. There were no negative comments at that site, indeed the first place we've ever encountered that was here.<P>I don't feel welcome and/or listened to here, so I'll be moving on. I apologize for any difficulties I or anyone posting at my topic has caused this group. <P>These types of sites are a great help for those of us dealing with the twists and turns of life. And diversity is a good thing, so by all means, keep up the good work which is going on here. Peace.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chuckb:<BR><B>The following is posted relative to the last post from Steve Harley in the 'Getting Divorced Right' thread. Here's his post verbatim.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>------<P>Steve,<P>I'd like to follow up your comments and Chuck's to say that the negative reception this small group has gotten here is a sad reflection on the mindset of this forum. The core of people who came to this site (not because we were 'kicked off' two others sites but because both sites physically failed) are among the most caring, thoughtful and moral people I've had the pleasure of meeting in many months. It is unclear to me how sharing our sense of community around the issues of marriage, relationships and divorce could offend others here but I hear clearly that we have so done. We will try to find another home for our discussion shortly.<P>Mark<BR>

I believe that the appropriate phrase might be:<P>"Don't get your undies in a bunch..."<P>Mark, chuck, et al: I don't recall an overly large amount of "negative" reception for your group. In fact, terri and skye's comments were the only two that i saw in the thread. And they DID have valid point.<P>You guys basically came in as a small herd of thundering elephants. I'm sure that you didn't mean to, but your presence in a large forum where 95% of the stuff is completely on-target (and focused mainly towards MarriageBuilder's techniques) was apparently upsetting to some.<P>Personally, I'm one of the top "posters" here, after almost 2 years. And I figured you'd have me beat in another 2-3 weeks... <P>Seriously, if you folks are interested in "MarriageBuilders", I'd suggest that you get out from your corner, find some appropriate threads, and see if you can either give or receive some help. Chuck---you said that you haven't been "listened to", but I haven't seen you post other than here and a couple of other threads. There are a lot of good people here, and if you take the time to get to know them, I think you'll understand why Steve is concerned with the sense of community around here.<P>I hope that you decide to stay and meet this community. I think you'll find people will be less "on edge" when they get to know you, and that having an occasional chat thread won't be that big of a deal (we used to have the "party bus" thread from a year ago---it was no different). There's a wealth of information on this site that's devoted to making marriage great---spend some time and contribute to it!

K - Thanks for your comments, but I am also moving on and will not be visiting this site anymore. Many of us from Chuck's thread HAVE been reading the other threads and posting. We've only been here for less than a week, and there are only so many hours in a day to read threads and contribute. My apologies to one and all for "barging in." It was not our intention. We're all here because our marriages and relationships have been in turmoil over the last year. People come and go on sites, but somehow we few have stuck together and continue to encourage one another. We've been told time and time again that we have been helpful in our open and honest discussion of our relationships, and are all quite shocked at the negativity at this site. Well, I've probably said too much already, so I won't be saying any more. Good luck to everyone!

Kim (and other "alien invaders from another website" TOC ):<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and are all quite shocked at the negativity at this site<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This site is simply not a negative place---take it from someone who has been here a very long time.<P>I think you're <I>perceiving</I> this site as hostile, negative, and unwelcoming. That's OK---it's your perception---but I'd caution you (all) as to these snap judgements. As a matter of fact---put this into the context of your marriages. Do you use these "perceptions" when they're based on such little fact? Over-reacting is often a problem in life---I worry that if you're all over-reacting to this feedback, you're probably doing it in your marriages.<P>And hey---I do understand where you're coming from on the "hours in a day". I've cut back at MB because I simply don't have the time (and Steve isn't paying me to be a resource). But if you do decide to reconsider and lurk here for a while, you'll find a lot of valuable stuff on this website.<P>God bless.

WOW what a turn of events. I was shocked at all this news. I had been reading other threads etc., but now all this. Sorry people for breaking the spirit here. I and I think I can say we had no intention of that, but I must say I didn't feel welcome, nor did I feel I could post in many of the areas I read. I did try to post in a couple, but felt a bit out of place. Again I say I'm sorry.<P>------------------<BR>Married Man Trying & doing better day by day.

K,<P>Consider the following statement:<P>Do you use these "perceptions" when they're based on such little fact? <P>Within 24 hours of registering here, the group on my thread were declared as having been been thrown off another site. Within a week the site manager echoed that perception. I made a good faith effort to reflect the facts of our situation... but was not heard. We feel like we were branded. Food for thought.