I've read someplace that people who have affairs don't generally set out to have them; they just sorta happen and maybe they would not have if the right boundaries were observed.
<p>My question is how should we define "the line"? I am trying to figure out what behavior is within (or not within) the bounds of appropriateness and general acceptability. Are there any rules of thumb regarding this issue? Not everyone agrees on the subject.
<p>The reason I ask is that I'm getting married to someone who spends time socially with other men. She says it's just networking which in itself is fine. But, is it okay to go out to dinner and drinks after work and stay out to nearly midnight with a man she calls a business contact, mentor, and friend in order to discuss "career opportunities?" I thought it was peculiar but hey, what do I know?
<p>Also, is it normal for an attractive 34 year old woman to meet socially (sometimes alone) with a 58 year old divorced male co-worker (another "good friend") from time to time? Call me narrow minded but I find that peculiar too.
<p>So I was wondering if anyone had any comments on what generally accepted limits should be observed by persons in a committed relationship with respect to social interactions with those of the opposite gender. Do's and Don'ts for example. Also, when is it appropriate to ask one's spouse (or spouse-to-be in my case) about the nature of an outside relationship? Can this be done without comming across as suspicious, controlling, or not trusting?
<p>I don't want to be a sucker - but I don't want to be ridiculous about it either.
<p>Thanks in advance to anyone who has thoughts to share!

My boundry would be if it made my sigificant other uncomfortable I wouldn't want to do it. Business contacts are understandable. My question is how long has she been friends with this older guy and what was the basis of their relationship before you two met? Has she given you any reason not to trust her? Do you both go out with these friends once in a while? If so, make sure when you do that you are affectionate towards her. Let them see how in love you both are. If not, maybe you should. I've learned in the not to distant past that sometimes "friendships" can really hurt your marriage. You should bring up your feeling to your fiance in a non-confrontational manner. Let her know you love her and share your thoughts with her. Don't accuse or be on the defensive. I hope this helps you.
<p>Juli

<br>Thanks for the reply, Juli. And since I can't resist the temptation to rattle on at length....
<p>You asked how long has she known them. She met them at a job she took after we started dating. To her credit she is very gregarious and social – and fancies herself as an achiever. My concerns stem from (what I truly believe is an inadvertent) tendency to lead guys on. What she sees as friendly, some guys see as flirtatious. I know of at least two guys who felt she was sending signals (although, admittedly, one of them needed a reality check. And these episodes were long before I came along) She says she’s oblivious. But I think she likes the attention.
<p>Do I trust her? In general, yes, but not as much as I want to. Every once in a while she can be unreliable. For example, on several occasions, I have had to wait for hours for her to show up because she “lost track of time.” (she promised to improve – and no incidents lately) Occasionally I sense she is not always forthright as to what she has been doing and once she tripped herself up in a fib. (that eve: “We had to stay late to finish the project” vs. next day: “we all went out to dinner and drinks.” Oops. ) Did she lie to keep me from being suspicious or am I suspicious because she lied? Chicken and the egg time.
<p>The older guy once came out to breakfast with me and she (along with her sister). But don’t expect her to show or accept affection in front of friends or family. It gets her uncomfortable - although I gotta admit to being much the same way (blame that stiff WASP upbringing!) Maybe it's time to change some thinking!
<p>I do love her and she has told me she knows it. I am hoping to clarify what, if anything, I have a right to object to and, indeed, what my boundaries should be in defining hers.
<p>Thanks again for your response.
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Dave, my suggestion would be to read everything on this website. There is information here that relates to your situation, interesting stuff about trust and marriage and infidelity... Lots of good information.
<p>terri