My wife and I have been seperated for 13 months and I still feel like I'm dying inside daily. She told me she was leaving last Sep. because she has lost the in love feelings. I told her that I would leave instead of disrupting the children and having them move. After 4 months we went to counsling with the pastor of our church and she told me there that she wanted a divorce and walked out after the pastor told her that she was wrong and that she could never be married again in Gods eyes. I stayed and talked a while with the pastor and called her when returing home to tell her not to give up her faith and God would forgive her. We put the house up for sale a couple days later, when the sighn went up both our hearts dropped so we agreed that I would buy her out and keep the house in case she changed her mind, the family would still have a home. For the next few months she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I got 2 phone calls from men she was dating asking for her while I was there wathcing my 2 sons, onf of them I had a conversation with and he told me he felt bad for me. in July I discovered she was back on birth control pills and I crumbled. I then out of anger or what ever had sex with a female friend, no feelings what so ever. Next day I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself and its been eating at me ever since. I told my mother in law that I knew she was on birth control and she told me that the doctor put her on them because her period was all screwed up, now I really felt bad for breaking my vowels and sleeping with the OW. Since then my wife has opened up and told me that she has been self cenered and does not like the way she feels. In sept my lease was up and she moved to an apartment and said it was something she had to do but cried for about a week and told me she respects me and dident realize how difficult it was to leave. She has since given me cards of encouragement and small gifts just because she knew I liked them. She has also expressed to her mom that she wants to start as friends and that I have looked good to her. In Sep I filed for divorce for two reasons 1 because I said I would do it for her and 2 because I slept with the other woman. I just got the final paper to sign from the lawer and I'm scared to death to sign and go thru with it. Do I just not sign and let her do it. Am I just kidding myself that theres hope? She did take the money for the house and moved out. I'm so confused and hurting badly. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
<br>Ken

Ken,
<br>I think most of us here are hoping never to reach your predicament. I feel for you because I wonder if one day I will be there, too. I won't give advice on what to do. But, everyone has the right to be happy. You, your wife, your family. You still have to ask yourself if you feel: a)you are better of with her, than without her; b) there is any hope of reconciliation.
<br>Remember also, that just because you are divorced, does not mean reconciliation has to stop. Divorce is a legal document, that's all.
<br>No matter what you decide, we're hoping you'll come out happy. Good luck.

Hi Ken:
<p>I'm kinda new here, and Lord knows I'm no expert on marital bliss. But since you asked....
<p>I'm not real familiar with divorce laws. But I assume that your wife can divorce you without your consent. You seem torn about whether to go through with the divorce. Is it what YOU want? Do you know if it's what your wife wants? If you are wondering whether there's any hope left, maybe you wouldn't want to sign the final papers, or at least stall awhile. If she is determined to leave, then she'll divorce you anyway. But if she's vacillating (and it seems she may be), then it seems that signing the papers would slam the door shut, right when your wife might be willing to open it an inch or so.
<p>BTW, this is NOT the 'voice of experience' here--just a gut feeling. If I'm full of it, feel free to tell me! I'm just trying to navigate this ocean, myself!
<p>Doug

Thanks for the input, but I nee help with my questions. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
<br> Ken

I will answer this based on what I would do. If I still had any doubt about getting the divorce and I felt that there might be hope from the other person I would try one more time to talk to that person. I definately would go to couseling, but maybe not a pastor this time. A regular counsel that will not be bringing religion into the situation. But I think most importantly be honest. Put aside ALL EGO and be open. If after all that and she deceides not to be with you, then you will have known that you gave it your best shot. I wish you the best.
<br>Carole

Ken,
<p>I may be an optimist but I say keep the hope. If I were you I would not be the one to file for the divorce. Since you already did that I would not sign the papers. As long as she is keeping the door open I would continue with what you are doing. It sounds like you are on the right track. Give it more time. Good Luck.
<p>Steph

Carol & Steph,
<br> Right now my wife and I are are pretty friendly and like I said her mom told me she wanted to start over as friends. We are nice to each other and do things for each other just to be nice. I cant ask her to councling right now because she's not ready and that would be pushing her. She has told me many times to stop pushing her because it makes her want to run. She has also told me to let her make the decision if she wants to try over. Doc H says it takes between 6 months and two years for her to change her mind. It seems so long, she's only been in her apartment for a month and I have no idea how long it will take for the newness to wear off right now she's all excited and likes it or so it seems. Is there hope? I guess theres allways hope if you belive in God. I guess I have to trust him to fix it and get out of his way and leave her alone. I was once told that when making a tuff decision to imagin that God was standing over your shoulder watching what would you do. So it was easy to know what he would say and that is dont sign and have faith in him that things will work out if its his will for divorce then she will have to do it. She can divorce me with out my consent after 2 years so I have 11 months for things to change. Thanks for replying.
<br>Ken

I agree ... don't pursue the divorce, don't sign any papers. Even though my H seems to be certain that he can never love me again like he did before, his answer to the question, "Do you want to get a divorce?" was "I don't know." I took that as a reasonably good sign - he doesn't want to close the door on reconciliation completely.
<p>I know that I will not file for divorce. I am not even going to take his name off the checking account yet. I am leaving his car insurance with mine ... maybe I'm asking for trouble, but in my mind it is an indication of how much I trust him and how willing I am for him to come back to me.
<p>Don't take a final step unless you're certain. Leave every door open that you can until *you're* ready to shut them.
<p>terri

To all,
<br> Thanks to all, I explained Sunday night to my wife that I'm not going thru with it and if she wants it then she can get it. She said OK that she's in no hurry for divorce plus she gets to stay on my health insurance. So for now I feel comfortable and am not going to mention divorce or reconcilation again thats up to her. Thanks to all.
<br> Ken