I can`t get past my anger at my stbx.. I have just signed the negotiating papers, and all will be over and final soon.. He left me nov.. 98` and has never looked back once.. (his second marriage, my first) he also left his son, from his first marraige about the same amount of yrs he chose to leave daughter and I.. (he never neglects his daughter though.. just me) he never once talked to me before he left, about his ill feelings, left me in silences for 4 yrs about his feeligs, and now he never talks to me what so ever.. he never seem to have any respect, or concern about us, from day one, and has now cut all contact, now, for at least a yr.. I am still devastated that he could keep treating me with the silent treatment, and I never did a thing to ever once purposly hurt him.. (even since he left) I was the one, who was betrayed, he cheated, lied and left.. we have a 12 yr old daughter (that was 10 at the time) and she too is now clashing with me big time.. I can not take this pain any more.. he already has killed my soul, and now she is pouring the salt into the wound.. she is blaming me for his leaving.. she is blooming as a teen, and that age is hard enough as it is, so this all made her life a bit harder to bare and I am the one reeping the benenfits, and now I`m so dissappointed with my daughters and my unstable relationship.. I have tried everything to get her to open up to me, and will of course continue to try, she is going to a therapist, but it is too soon for much in results.. I am loosing my mind with sadness, and now loosing patience with her, as to feeling any joy in my life, for so long, and not feeling any hugs, touch, or affection of any kind from her or any one, to ease this pain... I am totally numb inside... and feel I am slowly lossing my total self, from the inside out.. <P>I am sorry this is so depressing, I am at a low, right now.. and wish there was some way to over come this pain.. I make the best of each day, as best I can, and I know that is all any of us can do for now.. but geez.. this just never seems to ease up, as far as hurt, or pain or anger goes.. <P>AV <P>

Numbheart....I hope things are looking better today. I don't know your story, but it sounds like you have been through it and now its nearly over. I know how hard it is with children. I have a child who is 14 and I have had a horrible time trying to deal with him. All you can do is be there for her and continue to try and help her. Have you contacted her school to see if they have a child study team or counselor on staff? Some schools have peer support groups for kids going through their parent's divorce. If the school offers no assistance, maybe she will go to counseling. My son didn't want to go at first, but recently, has agreed to it. I don't know why it is, but it always seems that the kids blame Mom for the problem. I know mine does, of course, my H continues to tell him that he doesn't want the D, it is all me. Kids get a lot of mixed signals; especially if the parents involve them. In time, they'll understand, but right now they just need all the love and support you can muster.<P>Hang in there.<P>Prayers and good wishes<BR>LS<P>

LS,<P>thank you so much for a responce.. I was beginning to think it is all just one big click here.. <P>I am having a better day, yes.. but ym daughter is just so defiant, now.. My stbx left me, and she blames me, he is the one who wants this divorce, I would have thought she would eventually put the blame on him at some point.. I have explained to her how much I tried, and dad doesn`t want anything to do with me.. I wrote letter after letter, asked him to meet me for dinners so we could talk, started leaving him be, so he would have his space.. and I never once did a thing to purposly hurt him.. but as it stands, he now di all this and more to me, but it seems to my daughter I am the bad guy.. why? I have no idea... she drives me to a point of no return at times.. and I loose control from he sarcasm.. she knows I am sensative to what is going on right now, but shows no compassion.. this to me is even more hurtful then even anything stbx can dish out right now...!<P>I am taking her to a counceler, but like you we have just started.. I couldn`t take it any more and I am loosing my patients with her way too often.. so I did what I had to do, and she has to go, no more excuses.. <BR> <BR>she wants her dad, more then shae wants to be around me, and of course.. dad buys her everything she asks for, out of guilt, and he is fun and happy, in the little time they spend together. so it is all fun and happy times, while I sit and cry, and come here to vent. or read... this has been my scancuary.. my savior... I came here over a yr ago.. (not this particular board) but my ex wouldn`t read or hear about it.. he just wanted to cut the cord and never look back and that is exactly what he has done.. and I can not get rid of this hate.. and anger I have for him for not making one effort or giving me one chance, when he had 50% of the problems as well.. who do these people who leave think they are.. gods and goddesses! what is so much better about them, then us.. ABSOLUTLY NOTHING!!! thats what..I have to go.. taking daughter to an appt.. but thanks again for responding for me.. that was sweet of you... <P>AV<P>

AV,<P>I'm sorry for what you're going through...<BR>...you are NOT alone!<P>I know you've been taking your daughter to counseling...<BR>...but how about you!<P>You are important too...<BR>...and you could use some help too!<P> <P>Jim

Numbheart...I am glad you are doing better today. Take heart with your daughter...she is hurting and doesn't have the life experiences to go on. Think of how confusing this is for you; it must be doubly difficult for her. The only thing you can do is take excellent care of yourself, nurture her, and be supportive. When all is said and done she will know that you were there for her and that you did nothing to cause this. Adolescents are very self-centered; all she knows is that "this" is creating havoc in her life and she is angry. <P>My two sons are very angry with me. They know how difficult things have been, but they just want things to be normal; in reality things have been a mess. Daddy tells them that it is all me and since I'm not blaming daddy, they blame me. In any case, the situation is not good.<P>It is important to take care of yourself, so yoo can take care of your daughter. Try to keep things as normal as possible and try to have a few laughs with your daughter. Crying in front of her is not good; though I understand why, your daughter does not, and you must be strong. I know this is hard...I wish I didn't know, but I do. I will say prayers for you and if you need me...I am here. <P>LS<BR>

Jim,<BR> unfortunately I havn`t gone to a counceler yet.. I am just now focusing on my daughter first, for now.. I am a true procrastinater, as well.. when it comes to taking any time OFF, from work or my kid to go for my self.. and what little time there is to do so... I am here, reading and writting, and learning and growing as a human being, and getting some support at home, and I really do know in my heart I am a good person.. I am a worthy person, and I am a better person. for never giving up, never walking away, and never quiting.. (until recently, when the time came to sign the papers..) <P>I still get the shaft, totally, no communication what so ever, and feel I am still being abused emotionally by this man, by doing so.. I did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.. and some times I wish I could take him to court, to this day, for mental abuse! <P>this person (alien) I use to think I knew, is now acting as though I am the witch, the enemy, the monster, he is portraying me out to be with my kid... and he is just too vicious now, with being vindictive, to purposly erk me, because things arn`t moving fast enough for him, with the divorce... poor baby.. needs his closure.. never once giving me a thread of closure.. nice guy he is not..!<P>I can`t expalin it any other way, but that I feel I can sit here and rationalize anything out, and know in my heart, I was wrong (back when) for many things in our marriage, but as far as any of our marriages go.. we all know it is 50/50 as far as faults go.... It is not just one person that ruins things..<BR> <BR>I was married to a person that always admitted his cowardly ways, and ran from facing any confrontations.. always!!! I was always the one trying to hold us together, through out the marriage, as a couple.. (he was married once before me, w/a son my daughters age when he left them too) and this has now truely become a patern in this mans life.. there was nothing more I could say or do to prove things could get any better.. he closed those doors and threw away the key, over a yr and a half ago.. it is a shame, mostly because family should be the basis of life.. and the most important thing to all who have entered it, and have had the chance to have children.. what breaks this up, is the lack of expressing ones self.. and holding in your ill feelings.. this it the ultimate heart break, some one could ever inflict on the other (use to be) loved one.. it is a sin.. truely, that these people that leave, have no remorse, only self indulgences.. and no one ever confronts them, or condems them for their wrong doing.. the entire world turns their heads, and excepts what low blows they pull.. and even stay freindly to these people, only to prove them selves to be just as phoney.. thier suppose to be your freind, but if ex should show his/her face.. it is like he/she never left.. "OH HI! so and so!!" "how are you" what has this world come to.. all of us human beings do nothing, say nothing, and "act" as though... and life goes on.. nothing ventured, nothing gained, nothing resolved.. no one steps in.. and every one just over looks.. but to me under estimates their strengths.. <P>I can go on and on, but I need to stop for now.. I am headed for a novel here!! LOL! sorry.. didn`t mean to make this so long.. <P>thanks again LS... to you too.. <P>AV <P>

AV,<P>Vent away...<P>Most do feel... like you...<BR>that when it comes so far as to lead to a divorce... the fog has turned into an ice berg... and they don't care what/who gets damaged.<P>I'll really sorry for your pain.<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<BR> <BR>your very sweet.. thank you for responding to my post.. <P>I mostly lurk and read, more then post.. it has helped me alot.. and this past yr, if it weren`t for this web site, and a few others.. I don`t know what I would have done.. <P>thanks again....<BR>It meant alot to me.. <BR>AV<P>

Dear Numbheart, <BR>That is one of the wonderful things about this board.....you can come here to vent, to cry, to laugh, to smile, and all of us understand, because we have been there..<P>I seldom post much anymore, but do get on to read a few times a week. Your post really struck me...You are in such pain. <P>Make the time for yourself. It will help you and your daughter. Your must find it within yourself to rise above all of this. It isn't easy, believe me, I have been there as well. But you must do it. See a counselor, have your daughter see one. Find the good within yourself and know that you are a good person, caught in a bad situation. <P>It will get better. Time does heal. I went through over two years of my X's affair. I have been divorced now for over three months and feel better every day. I got on with my life. I will survive, and be a better person because of it. And so will you. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Numbheart<P>I am a few days late but hopefully as you get this, you are feeling at least a little better. <P>I know what its like to be down and we all come here to vent. You will find lots of support and prayers here. <P>I am sorry to hear about your daughter, I was a rebellios teen myself, and I remember how she is feeling now. Not with my parents divorcing, other problems, but I still look back on those days as being one of the hardest stages in life. Now, its even harder to be her age. There are a lot more issues to deal with.<P>Get yourself some much needed counseling as well, if you help yourself, you can help her better. I go every other week WITH my daughters. I have 3. Ages 9,7 and 2. <P>Dont' worry about posting a sad post, as long as you remember to share the happy ones <P>Prayers and hugs, and hope you are doing better today.<BR>Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>thanks for your responce.. I appreciate it very much.. Things are going a bit smoother these past few days.. it has been hard on us both, but lately, more on my daughter.. she is adjusting to the divorce, but I think finds it hard that dad is so sweet all the time, and mom is the horrible dissaplinary!! I get to do all the bad stuff to her, while he comes and goes and is a part time dad now.. she is up and down with her emotions.. mostly finding her own identity.. she is an only child, (opposite of me, BIG FAMILY).<P><BR>I know in time things are all going to work out fine, but the struggle of this seperation and soon to be over, divorce is hurting our relationship right now, with her blaming mje for his leaving, on top of all the normal things that life throws at you..and the very dumb stbx, thinks she is fine with it all.. <P>You are very kind and I truely thank you fro the bottom of my heart for being there for me.. I know this site and others are the best thing that happened to me out of this whole feasco.. and I am so glad I found them all too.. <P>you take care Dana.. and hugs to you too...<BR>AV<P>

numbheart,<P>I forgot to mention, my daughter just got over her situational depression after four months. That was what the counseling was for. She is doing wonderful now but it was a long hard road and theres much to be done still.<P>I have had a rough time keeping there life as stable as I can, I do it, but its hard.<P>Things will get better. I believe that for us all. We all deserve to be happy and deserve to go on to a better life after the affair. <P>Hang in there, and be sure to get some counseling for you. I know I am having a day today, where I should take my own advice and run with it. I have been doing great for a few weeks now and even I am in tears today. <P>Just goes to show, the roller coaster ride continues, just when you think the end is in sight.<P>Dana<BR>

numbheart:<BR>I truly hope you do have better days or moments between the bad ones...and I know that with children, especially teens,(I have 4) it is SO HARD.<P>When I read your post, I felt it was me writing my experiences with my kids over the past 15 months.<P>The parent who leaves..and wants contact still with kids, often lack self worth so search for this in their relationship with the kids(at least my H) and has manipulated and lied to the kids to "get them to see him as the good guy" and has caused so much harm to these confused children as it is.<P>I am the therefore the WITCH...the parent who does all the parenting etc while papa, or uncle dad as I refer to him in front of ALL, takes them one on one with ow, and has a GREAT time with them. Of course it has been horrendous with ALL the anger coming out at me...where it is safe and never at dad, who will not hear it, after all he told them it is all my fault(major mlc and many issues within himself)!!! I think many parents who leave the family for ow are in the throws of a fantasy life, not only the relationship with ow, but the rest of life itself...they seem to have lost perspective on what life really is all about. When this happens you can do nothing except look after yourself physically and emotionally so that you can be there for your d (even though at times ou wish you had the 'freedom' to run from it all as H did! (but that is not really "real life") <P>The truth...if they vent at dad, he has made it clear that if they do, then he will not see them, or makes threats so they have had no choice and nowhere else to express their anger. From what I hear, when spouses take off and accept no responsibility for parenting in any meaningful way, take no responsibility for the emotional well being of the kids and play uncle dad, it is so confusing for the children...and there is NOTHIUNG you can do but be the best person you can be to yourself and your daughter.<P>It does not get easier...especially as parenting during the teen years is difficult enough as it is without this HUGE mess in their lives.<P>My 13 year old d and 16 year old son both see therapists. They test boundaries (as all teens do) and speak with evil tongues often. I have learnt and am still learning not to personalize so much of it and rather withdraw from heated confrontation...they then "come back" to me and we can discuss things more sanely, while at the same time still setting age appropriate and valued boundaries within the context of what they used to be when the family was intact.<P>Keep up counselling for them and find one for yourself. And there are good ones out there. My son is on the 2nd and really likes him and I like the way he operates.(and this is important.)<P>Good luck and realize that you can only control your own behaviour, society and the "plastic" people who make it their business to be "pleasant " to all and accept the immorality of infidelity often have no idea of the pain and mess that is sometimes left behind. I also wish that people would take a stand, but it is clear that conflict avoidance and dishonesty are rampant in Western society.<BR>IMHO, infidelity, without remorse or trying to take any type of responsibility by the betrayer, is emotional abuse not only to the betrayed, but to the children in the family as well.<BR>

I hear you willbok99 and I agree whole heartedly.. whom to trust, is going to be the toughest thing for me now.. I have divorced parents, and half of my family have been through this as well.. (6 siblings and 4, due to my divorce, are now on their way to a second marriage..) my mom has a terrible out look at men, (she was married twice, and my dad was her second H, that lasted 36 yrs..), but she now is very bitter and turned to god.. has accepted the fact she is nnever going to find some one, and is going to live the rest of her days alone..(which may be so, because her mom, lost my grandfather and never re-married.. died alone in her home, and also had a bitter out look on men.. my dad never re-married either but has now had two long term relationships, the first woman he left my mom for, died of cancer a few yrs back, and now he is with another woman, who is 30 yrs his younger.. (his youngest child is older then this woman..!!)<P>My ex`s family is wourse then mine.. both his brother and sister have had multiple marriages.. the entire family never spoke of their emotional problems.. just left it to fade out, rather then learn to deal with things.. and now it is hitting the nephews.. my ex BIL`s son is getting divorced too.. <P>My family went to my ex and tried to help me reconcile.. not one of my ex`s family eer called or came over.. out of concern to try and keep the family together.. it is amazing, how people stick their heads in the ground to what is going on, and look away.. My family at least showed some compassion to my ex and wanted to be there for us.. It only convinced me more that I was not excepted or care about, and they all think their such great people.. <P>I would have loved to one day to write a letter to thank them for making me feel so un-excepted.. and for their lack of ability for concern... and to tell them they are all ostridges.. and bare their heads in the ground due to lack of ability, when in essence, it is more for the uninvolvement, that leads to the shame and guilt they will eventually feel and (to me) they all need a good spanking..! <BR> <BR>I better stop.. I can go on forever.. this is something that is so imbedded in me right now.. and never having my chance of putting him or OW< or his family in their place, will haunt me now for life as well.. <P>no one dserves this kind of treatment.. but in their family, they know *NO* better...!!! LAME EXCUSES!! but non the less, this is who they are.. and my future with sharig times of what happens to my daughter along the way, will prevail.. they will all see this man left some one who was/is better then ever and much more real then they can ever be them selves.. it is a superficial world for them.. they live in glass houses.. and throw boulders.. that one day, will hopfully boomerang right back their way!!!! <P>ok I`m done for tonight!!! end of venting!<P>AV<P>

Since my stbx is so mean and abusive to the children I do not have some of the major problems many of you have. Although the girls and my relationship does seem to have it's ups and downs.<P>I, for one, sometimes get sick of hearing that dad does nothing with them. They come home and complain to me...not him. In turn...it frustrates me more that I can't make him see what he is doing. <P>The girls...10 and 8, are old enough to express their feelings to him....but the fear he puts in them....makes them turn to me. I have spent over a year cuddling, hugging, holding and listening to their everyday problems and the problems they have with their dad.<P>My girls don't blame me.....they never have. They know that I tried....they watched me. They saw him "pretend" not only to me, but to them. He made us all think that he would never leave and that he would stop all of this abuse. We trusted and waited for the change. He changed.....started to hug...laugh....say I love you to all of us....made plans for 10 year olds 9th birthday......started making our family vacation reservations and plans.....to end up going to get Easter candy (4-99) and never coming back. He never looked back.....he, at first blamed himself.....he often would tell me "what do you want with a jerk like me", but after 2 weeks......it was all my fault.<P>He thinks nothing of blaming everything on me and sometimes blames it on the girls. they never kept their rooms clean.....they never let me and him have private time.....they were always around. <P>He is a cruel and thoughtless person. He deserves to find someone the same. We are too loving and caring for him.<P>My biggest wish is that he ends up with the OW. They deserve each other.<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>Unlike you.. I do take part blame for our marriage going down the tubes.. I feel every marraige is a 50/50 deal.. it takes two, to ruin a good marriage/relationship.. I can honestly say I was no angel.. I did make all the efforts, alone, to hold us together, through out 9 yrs of our 12 yr marraige, and after that time.. I mimicked his personality back to him, which was what lead us to the divorce.. I acted like him for the last 3-4 yrs of the marraige, in that I didn`t care if he was mad, sad, or what have you any more.. I was not going to be the ice breaker any more.. because thats what he showed me, nothing.. I was not going to take the first initiative any more.. I was not going to be the only one making any effort any more.. and look at what happened.. his ignorance lead him to give up on us.. and he never once told me of his ill feelings for me.. he held it all in and just up and said good bye.. said he didn`t want it any more.. nice guy his is NOT!!!! but as far as stbx goes.. he thinks he did nothing wrong.. and he is *almost* right.. he did do, ABSOLUTLY NOTHING!! to help our marriage turn around.. <P>I feel my daughter still looks at me, as the bad guy, because my stbx, (jerk of a H) still treats this divorce, as me being the wacko alien, he couldn`t live with any more, when it is only he who is being the alien.. I was always the willing party, (up until the last few yrs..) daughter also saw me try, over and over again.. she saw me write, she saw me cry, and she also heard me vent, some good and some not so good.. it is hard to hold in all your feelings, constantly, with out my daughter at least listening in on a phone call to a freind, whom were there for me for my support.. so at times she hears me bash my ex, for what he chose to do to us.. she KNOWS!! I now hate this man.. she also knows how much pain I went through, as so did she.. and I am still so hurt by it all, but she seems to hold back or in all her feelings about anything and everything.. it reminds me of my ex and the way he (still) is, and I have explained to my daughter, that I hate living in silence and not being able to be totally open and honest with each other at all times.. I want that more then anything in the whole wide world.. I wanted that with my ex too.. but he gave me everything but!! the talking!<P>daughter and I have our good days and bad.. and when it is bad, it is very bad.. we scream at each other,(due to both still being hurt form it all.. and she has always dispised me for being so strict and giving her consequences that ex never sticks to.. she is very spoiled by him and I do not spoil what so ever.. at this point I feel she needs to learn and earn what she wants, so she appreciates life a little better.. he buys her everything, even her love.. he says his peace, when he is angry about something.. and then buys her something for being the good listener... he did this very same thing with his son, when he left his first wife, so he is a pro at this stuff.. he defies me on purpose with our daughter now, making me look like the bad guy even more so, and also to show me up of course, and is playing on her to get to me.. but in reality, is playing her way too well and I hope one day she can look back and know in her heart I was being struck by his vindictive mind games.. He thinks he is not playing her to get to me.. but I know him better.. he use to go out with me, during his visitations with his son.. (before our marriage) and he use to say, who cares what your mom thinks.. (mmeanig his first ex wife, in talking to his son) and too bad if she doesn`t want me buying you this, or that.. etc.. this is what and who I am dealing with now.. this mans juvenile mind.. that has obviously never grown, or was taught how to resolve anything, in his entire life!!!<P>I know in time.. my daughter will come around to see me as the great person I am.. and how I do stride to grow and be a stronger and better person, for my future, and learn from my experiences.. unlike her dad.. <P>I have read some of your threads nancy.. and I feel for you.. it is hard dealing with these men who really are acting like such children, and have yet to see them selves for who they are.. and what they`ve become.. and never caring to learn or be the better person.. in any way.. <P>you take care nancy.. and thanks for your posting here with me.. <P>AV

AV,<P>Please do not get me wrong.....I am no saint.....I am not perfect. I took all the blame......for way too long, for the destruction of our marriage. I was taunted and repeatedly told it was all my fault. There must come a time when a person has to know that it could not be all one persons fault. <P>At this point in my life....after a suicide attempt.....losing custody of my children for 44 days....due to collution between OW and STBX that one must feel that I am no longer at fault to all of this craziness. <P>I an totally honest when I say that since the arrest and conversations with my stbx during that time that I learned that he is the one with the problem.<P>I had a difficult time with depression.....a few months leading up to discovery and following. I have slowly healed.....not completely there....but I see much improvements in myself...my self-esteem....my self-worth.<P>He slowly and intentionally inflicted so much verbal and emotional abuse on me and the girls that I didn't know what was true or what was false....what was real....what was right. I battled within myself and caused "myself" even more pain. When the physical abuse started....I knew that he had to go...I had to find a way to push him out of my life. I no longer plan A'd. I take blame for that part...but when he was gone....I played those abusive words over and over in my mind until I thought I could not take care of myself or the girls. That is when I started calling him...begging him to come home. The more he abused...the more I begged. Finally....I quit taking his calls....it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself...for the children.<P>I am free from that pain.....the pain I caused myself. I am no longer accepting his harsh words as the gospel truth...I see them for what they are and who they come from.<P>No...I did not always treat him kindly...but deep down inside I know why I didn't. I will always take blame......but he will live with the guilt of the abuse and the way he "chose" to treat his family. <P>Good luck to you<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>I know what you are saying.. I my self have felt that I was taunted and driven at times for my stbx`x non exsistnet behavior, to this insanity.... so I know exactly what your saying.. I still feel his treating me with this silent treatment, and not at least trying to show our daughter some kind of civilized and decent compromise is so so ignorant and insensative towards any human kind.. not that is is just me, there is our daughter here as well.. she never saw us not at least get along.. you see even though we had barely any good communication, we *acted* like human beings towards each other, in front of everyone.. no one knew that things were as bad as they were.. towards the end, we were both holding in our ill feelings.. (me due to growing tired of being the only one working on our relationship, all during our dating days and the marriage..!!) <P>Nieeve me, thought that in time he would come around to being a better communicater eventually. after being married once already, thought he had learned his lesson as to making efforts to working on lifes wows.. the main thing is I thought he was all grow up!! but not even close..<P>I did it all.. read.. bought tapes, and asked him to watch them with me, (which he did, and each time I did, for a short time period, things go ok.. but eventually go back to normal, due to again his lack of ability to even try)<P><BR>he held in all, and I mean all his ill feeling, about everything, not just us.. even about work, family freinds, his kids, (our daughter and his son) money, things that were taken for granted, EVERYTHING!! he never!!! ever!! expressed any feelings!!! EVER!!!! it is so bizzar.. it is abnormal.. he is unreachable.. and I just gave up, eventually too.. <P>I know whole heartedly exactly how you feel, and what you went and are still going thrugh.. I am right there, next to you.. with you.. and the saga comtinues.. we had so many things happen between us, before, during and after the marriage, that are truely unmentionable for this site.. I do not ever want to write about it.. and have any of it back fire on me.. but beleive me.. I could right and make a novel/movie out of our lives.. <P>I tell people I know things that they didn`t know, and their eyes widen and they have the look of full blown out shocking and amazing surprise written all over them.. I look back at it all, and we`ve been through alot.. some that I am ashamed of.. but that were all great lessons that I`ve now learned, and will never go through again.. I owe my self a better life.. <P>we had lots of money.. I had a good life financialy.. but not enough love, not enough communication, I felt styfled, and ignored, and realized this man doesn`t have what it takes to be a husband, freind, or lover... As long as things ran smoothly.. he was fine, any emotional termoil.. boom.. he couldn`t handle it, and would stay at work later to avoid talking.. I live a superficial surfaced life.. alone.. with out a real partner.. <P>I want what I deserve in life.. everything that comes with being a best freind/lover, that cares enough to make the effort.. I look so deeply into the men I meet now.. I look for the compassion, the concern, the honesty, the loyatly in only one thing.. total 100% communication.. to all of the above.. I tell each and every man I meet.. I am looking for a chatter box.. a talker, and if he can`t keep up.. he`s out.. I have such a need to have some one so open, they can`t hold anything in.. thats what I am now looking for.. and will hopfuly find, one day.. <P>You have a great mothers day Nancy.. I wish you well.. and take care of you..!! you hear!!<P>AV

AV,<BR>You sound like you have it all together. When I read your posts...I feel like I am reading about some stuff in my marriage.<P>No communication.....I am known as a chatter box...many times my mouth getting me in trouble. My stbx was like yours....said nothing...never showed any emotions....the first time I saw him cry was when I found out about his affair. He didn't even cry when his father died.....or when his mother was diagnosed with cancer...or when his children were born. He held everything in......but when he got mad after I found out about his affair.....he has not stopped since. It is like all of his pent up anger...over his entire life is aimed at me and the girls.<P>Sure, during those quiet times.....he knew how to say one word or single phrase that cut like a knife. Those words hurt and I pushed them back after the flowers came or after the diamonds were bought. I just felt trapped. Trapped in a marriage that I wanted so badly to work....but like you...I was the only one trying. It is exhausting to work alone and at times I felt like giving up.....but I knew I made a lifes commitment with him and now that we had a family...I had to try harder.<P>I am sorry that there are things that have happened to you that you can't discuss here. It has been a great comfort for me to be able to vent....cry and comfort others on this board.<P>I hope you have a nice Mothers Day.....everyday with the girls has been mothers day for me<P>Nancy

Hi Numbheart and Nancy,<P>I just wanted to chime in on this Sunday morning and say my H was also the strong SILENT type, didn't show his emotions, and I always kind of thought of him as the tortured poetic type.<P>Unlike you two, I eventually countered his affairs with one of my own (3 months long, been over for a year), and believe me, that's when I finally saw him cry. Not when I cried for years and years over his affairs, but when I had mine. Basically, he hasn't stopped since, even through his latest affair, which is still ongoing. He cries all the time. <P>It is so sad that this is what brought the emotion out of him.<P>I also am having horrible problems with my children, who have seen me read, sit here (at MB) for hours, listen to tapes, go to therapy, and try desperately to communicate with my H (I am also a chatterbox!). All to no avail. My girls, who are older teenagers, sat me down and explained what a terrible mother I've been by concentrating on saving my marriage instead of paying attention to them. They are just upset and confused, I know, but it hurt nonetheless. Today, so far, they are taking good care of me, and for that I am thankful. I guess I'm not such a bad mom after all. <P>Both of you have a lovely Mother's Day!<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 14, 2000).]