It is raining out side here in Central Mo,it is like the sky is crying my tears.<P>Today is my court thing for settlement. Since my lawyer can not be there, she is sending a rep. and they are asking for a continuance. So it should not last long, but I am a nervous wreak. Cried last night, up most of the night. I just feel this is the first step to my marriage being over.<P>I am sure my H is over joyed. He just wants a court order from me to pull out his stock so he can buy a place to live.<P>I sat in my closet last night with the light on, doors shut and went through our wedding pictures an cried. I did not want the kids to see me or hear me.<P>I am so afraid that I will break down there today.......<P>Asking for prayers, Thanks!

my3kids,<P>I feel for you...<P>My day come in 4 short weeks...<P>I'm praying for you...<P>...to heal ...I think we have to put away those pictures... and rememberances... and keepsakes.<P>...it will be very hard for me to do...<BR>...but I know I must do it...<BR>...for my health... and the health of my 3 kids.<P>Again...<BR>...I'm praying for you!<P> <P>Jim

You have probably already left, but know that many are thinking and praying for you right now.<P>Brian

My heart goes out to you today! I've had one appearance already and the coldness and emptiness I felt in that half hour was incredible. I go again in a couple of days and most likely there will be a continuance as well or it could be all over. It's odd I feel the same way I did a year ago when he left - the anxiety is back, the emptiness. I hate it! I have two small children also and I know we will be okay - I have confidence that my strength and confidence will come back as yours will. <P>NSR is right - time to pack away the memories until we can look at them without tears - perhaps in a year or two. Don't torture yourself. This is not your fault. Remember that! Give your kids big hugs today - we are here for you and you will be okay!<P>Missy2

Thank you everyone for your thoughts!<P>NSR, your words of wisdom is so helpful to me and others! I will buy a rubbermade box and put all my wedding photos, dress, slides from homeymoom ect in it and put them away. You are right they are too painful....all I could see was love in my H face.......<P>Grandpabri2.....thank you for your prayers and thoughts..I really needed them today<P>Missy2.....Thanks you also..at least my kids are older. Mine was a continuance and it did not take long.<P>Ours was the first one on the docket. The lawyers went in and they came out. I just sat in the hall way. My H was across the way but did not speak to me.<P>He later called and said that he was not igoring me, he just thought it would be easier on me if he stayed away. Which is the truth. If would have spoke to me, I would have lost it.<P>I did not cry, I sat there numb, hateing the fact that I was even there, and that H was so resigned to getting this over with. <P>We will get a new date in a couple of weeks, so I am not D'ed yet. Who know H could change his mind again,,,,,,,,,he did 3 times last month.<P>Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Absolutely,<P>put the rememberances away for now, it will only remind you of what you are loosing and<BR>will maintain the pain. Find some time for yourself, buy some new clothes, do some feel good events to take your mind off the present.<P>Hope your kids will be OK as well as you.<P>thl

Hey M3K,<P>It's funny you brought up the pictures. Over the last year our wedding and vacation albums have had so much mileage put on them being taken up in the attic and then being brought down a few days later they will soon have to be replaced.<P>A small album has always adorned our coffee table since we were married. It hurt to see it there. It is also going back where it belongs.<P>The picture that I carry in my wallet needs to be replaced now because of all the times I pulled it out, stuck it away, and then retrieved it and replaced it where it belongs close to my heart. Ok actually closer to my right cheek. No, she is not back, yet.. repeat yet.<P>All those pictures were taken with fond memories. You can take many things away from me, my car, my business, hey even a kidney, but, not my memories. Ok, unless you can give me Alzheimers disease. Don't count on it. <P>Just put them away for a little rest. I almost burned them because I felt it was all a lie. The feelings were real then, the memories are real. The affair is a lie.<P>Do what is best for you. I never in a million years, and that's a lot, thought I would have a chance to fix this. Never say never.<P><BR>Sending you Prayers and Best Wishes.<P>Medic

WhenIfindthetime: thank you for your advice. I told my lawyer yesterday that I wanted H to start doing reg. visitation. I have been taking care of house, kids, yard ect for the last 7 months. My H has taken them out to dinner here and there, would see them once a week or less. But expected me to take care of them for his business trips ect, without even consulting me ect.<BR>So anyway my lawyer told his lawyer, and My H IMed me last night (he was away again on business) and said he would take the younger kids on Thurs, and the older one on Fri night, since older one has to work on Thurs. night.<BR>So I think I will do something for me...I have never done a tanning bed....so I am going to do that, and go work out at the gym I joined and do some library time.<BR>What ruined the whole thing was he said he was going fishing this weekend with some guys from work.....so there my expectation that he would at least take us all out as a family for Mothers Day. Oh well I will just drive the kids to my folks and celibrate there.<P>Medic........you are TOO cool and funny! Yes about the pictures, I have taken them down, put them up, cut holes in a few, still carry one of my favorites in my purse........but I am going to remember, that our wedding day was filled with love, hope and joy. I need to keep telling myself that the person my H is today is not the wonderful man I married 19 years ago.<P>Maybe I too, one day will be able to have him willing to work on us, but I am sure not before this D goes through.<P>I am so happy for you and wish you tons of luck and happiness!<P>Buy the way H is buying us a full breed puppy and bringing it home on Sunday. It is a corgi (pembroke) so any advice to house train will be welcome.....we just put in new carpet less than a year ago. Maybe that is my Mothers Day present........not.<P>Thanks Again!

M3K,<P>I have been wondering about you lately. I haven't been on as much, but decided to check on a few people today.<P>Its raining here too My girls are going to Balwin MO, in July, are you near there?? <P>I am sorry about your court. I had court last week, I dont' know if you saw my post, but it was truly awful.<P>Sending you all my strength and prayers today, wish I could send you some sun, but I don't have that either <P>{{{M3K}}}} It will get better<BR>Dana<BR>

Oh, do I know that feeling. The tears I've cried in the past year and a half could fill a bathtub. The children are constant reminders of the fractured family we now are. When I see families and devoted fathers with little children on their laps or playing catch with their sons I feel my eyes filling up again. The emotions and the pain strike randomly, in day to day situations. As for you and that Court scene, it's almost surreal, isn't it? Here's a man you've spent years with, living with, sharing a bathroom with, sleeping with, and then suddenly you're enemies sitting across from each other in a courtroom. It doesn't seem real or natural or right at all. Disturbing and tragic are the words that come to mind. When I was in the courtroom with my lawyer my H. was in another room with his lawyer and his accountant and clutching his "breadbox" of legal papers and tax documents. It made me sick to see him in this manner, knowing that the purpose of it all was to screw me and our children for every cent it was worth. When it was all over and I got up to leave, drained and emotionless by this time, another veteran lawyer approached me and said "You know. Someday I might lobby for a law to be passed that before couples get married they be required to spend one day in Family/Domestic court. Maybe that will give them the incentive to stay together and not pursue divorce when things get rough."<BR>I don't know how long you've been separated. For me it's been long enough to know he's not coming back, he's inflicted way too much pain and he's crossed the line. That's why I'm forcing myself to move on now. It's so hard, though, isn't it?

Hi My3Kids -<P>I am sorry about your court day today. I relived my first few as you told yours. It gets easier to handle...it really does (the little court appearances - not the BIG one!!) We've had three or four different appearances for various things....still not divorced yet and it will be almost a year. I am praying that it takes another year!!<P>I see so much of my story in yours - the wedding stuff.....been there!!! I watched my video over and over so much - thank God I have more than one copy cuz it is wearing out!!!!<P>It is painful as the start of this....<P>Once your emotions level out some - it is not painful at all!!! You feel completely calm looking at these things because (as you mentioned you are trying to do now) you can separate the man you love and married from this "evil clone" that is inhabiting his body now. The love in his eyes in those pictures is still there somewhere - he has just buried it under a bunch of "fantasy" garbage that will one day disintegrate and allow it to come to life again.<P>I have some advice about the puppy...I was able to train mine in two weeks - and she was only 7 weeks old when we got her..<P>The trick is not to paper train...take it outside very often and encourage "pee-pee/poddy"!!! Don't go back in till there is a result. What I also did was stand in one spot until she went and then let her play a bit before I took her inside.....this encouraged her to get her business done and the play was a reward. Sometimes just making her go right in after will make her prolong going cuz she wants to stay outside.<P>Hope this helped.<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba

Thanks you so much for responding.<P>LonelyMom..I too have not had a lot of time to get on the computer lately. I do hate going to the court house for all this leagal stuff.....to me it is humiliating. I sat there and felt like a failure. I am sorry, I am doing this why me bit this week.<BR>I am not for sure where Baldwin, MO. I need to check the map. Is it in the bootheel, or by St.Louis, or Kansas City or Springfield. I am pretty much right in the middle of Mo.<BR>Thanks for thinking of me!<P>MovingON.......My H and have been seperated for almost 8 months. My daughter mentioned that is seemed like forever. I know what you mean about a bath tub full of tears. I wonder how I can cry so much some time. I think I am pathetic that I would cry over a betrayer and someone that has treated me this way. I HATE to see happy families, devoted dads, people holding hands ect. To watch a romantic movie is almost too much for me. You are right you never know where you be STRUCK so they say with grief.<BR>I have decided I am crying over my loss of my dreams, my expectations, my future, my kids hurt and believe it or not for the lost soul of my H. In my heart I believe this is not the person he wants to be.<P>Sheba....You are so great and strong. I am hopeing that as times passes I will be as strong as you and can have some clarity of the situation.<BR>We are getting the puppy on Monday. I am going to do crate training, I think. We have never had a dog (me and the kids) so this will be an experience.<P>I prayer for all us...to be able to go on with our lives, and let God show us the path he wants us to take. I am just ready for God to hurry up a bit.......LOL

My3kids - you're so right when you say you're mourning the loss of a dream and of certain things you just expected would happen in your future. How old are your children? This is what pains me the most - feeling my kids' pain. I am wracked with guilt most days, feeling that if I hadn't picked such a nut for a husband they'd have been spared this misery and chaos. Also, I have horrid guilt over anything I did to contribute to his leaving. It's strange: in the beginning I berated myself constantly for my part in the failing of the marriage. But then, after he left, divorce proceedings began, and he became crueler and more unstable by the hour, I realized that THIS was the true character of the man. We were all better off without him. Maybe he doesn't really want to be like this, as you mentioned about your own husband, but let's face it, this is the way he is now and we're better off without him now.

MovingOn,<P>But even if I thought I would be better off without him, since we have children together I am certainly not "without him." I get all the bad parts and none of the good ones. He can spend little time with the kids, although every once in awhile he acts like his old self and goes out of his way for them. He almost never asks them anything about what they are doing, how they have been, and certainly never anything about how they are feeling - his relationship with them is completely superficial. Yet he can still have equal input into major life decisions for them, even though he doesn't even really know them. He can change when he picks them up and drops them off with little notice, and there is not anything I can do about it. What am I supposed to say, "No, you can't bring them home," ... when they are already in the car? I can't count on anything, and neither can the kids. Visitation is right of the non-custodial parent, but not, apparently, a responsibility, nor is it a child's entitlement.

I guess it is different for me. I got rid of all pictures of her, including our wedding album. I threw it all in the trash.<P>Her actions told me that the past 16 yrs have been for naught. I refuse to hang onto to memories of what were. She has made it feel they were all a lie.<P>I refuse to live in the past, thinking aout what was and what could have been. Those are all gone and she destroyed it. I was not the perfect spouse, but then who is. I never abused her, never ridiculed her, never cheated on her, never lied to her, had complete faith and trust in her and she threw it all away.<P>She chose herself on her children and her religion. I want nothing more to do with her.<P><BR>I may be somewhat bitter today as this is about 1 year since Discovery. The business trip last week was too similiar to last years trip at this time. Also Mother's Day got to me. I saw people going out to spend time with their mothers, and my kids didn't have their mother around. And it was all HER choice.<P>

moving on..<BR>My kids are older (and unfortunately wiser now) My oldest is 18 starting college this fall, my middle one (son) 15, has his permit to drive, and we take a drive almost every night, and my youngest is 12.<P>Yes, my dreams and expectations for my future are gone.......I will have to make new dreams and goals for myself.<P>I too had terrible guilt over what I did wrong to make my H do this too me and our kids, he still says the kids will be fine. Their grades have dropped in school, we are in counseling ect all because of his affair.<P>Nelli 1<BR>I told my lawyer at the court house last week I wanted my H to start reg visitation. So he did take the kids out 2 times this last week. I am going to go away this weekend and told him this would be his weekend for visitation also. I am tired. Very tired. All the disiplining, cleaning, laundry, yard work but mainly stress has made me feel very tired. I did my best to save this marriage for the last 8 months, he is the one that failed this time.<P>RWD...I was kinda blue over Mothers Day too. My H was out of town (with who knows who) he did send me flowers from him and the kids on Sat. He did not even get his mother a gift. I took the kids over yesterday with a gift and card. He called while I was there to wish her happy Mothers Day and that was all. I hated to see all the happy families at dinner ect. It makes me sad. I went to my brothers house and ate there with the kids and we rode bikes around the lake. ( My back and rear end is sore today, they need to make softer bike seats) I tried to be up beat, but holidays just kill me. I keep thinking of the phrase..this too will pass....<P>Thanks everyone for replying!