LONELYSOUL,<P>I saw a recent post where you described "bull-horning" your H about how you were feeling, and his lack of response leading to a breakdown in your marriage. Your situation sounds so very similar to mine.<P>My W, on 4-5 occasions in our 15 year marriage, expressed concern about how she was feeling about me. The concerns always centered around my helping more around the house or my role as an active parent. Never was the concern about our relationship or our marriage. Like your H, I would defend myself and "argue" the point until she gave up. Wrong response on my part, I now know.<P>Now she is involved in a 9 month long affair, we are separated, and she is talking about a divorce. We have two chidren, 12 and 11.<P>I am struggling to cope with the idea of living separately from my children, and their being children of divorce. I guess I would appreciate any insight.<P>Thanks-HBill.

Hi HBill...I am sorry to hear about your pending divorce; I know how difficult it is and I know my H is not having an easy time of this either. Your situation does sound similar. My H is very controlling and can be very munipulative; therefore, over the years he has mostly gotten his way in everything. I blame myself for being a doormat, but I often made an attempt to air my complaints. I often thought about leaving, but I figured, maybe things will get better. I learned to shut down emotionally, so that's what I did and went about my business. The last few years were extra difficult, the summer of 99 was the turning point. I got involved with someone over the internet and fell madly in love. I was scared by the intense feelings I had for the OM and attempted to talk with my H again. Things got worse. In late January, my H discovered that I was emailing someone. In a 12 hour period, before he knew the nature of the email, he closed our joint bank accounts, threatened to file for divorce, called me every foul name you can think of, spit on me, broke into my email, changed my password so I couldn't get into it, called my parents and brother and told them I was having an affair, and took the c drive out of PC so I couldn't use the computer again. The plot thickens and gets uglier. <P>I asked for a separation...the most my H was willing to give me was two weeks. In the past few months, my H called the other man's wife and told her about the EA. The OM vanished without a word, so much for true love. I have filed for divorce, and technically my H and I are separated, but are living under the same roof. I worry continually about our children, but I know in my heart, my decision is sound. I am completely alone in this and it is scary, but I know I can't go back to what was there before. We have done counseling and it hasn't helped. My H is now going for marriage coaching what ever that is, but he doesn't seem to know why he is going either. <P>I am sure our similarities stop on the surface. I feel a bit uncomfortable bearing all for all to see, but if you want you can email me...sapgar_@excite.com. I wish you well.<P>LS<P>