If any of you have seen my other posts, you know that I love my H dearly and that I have been in counseling, done the soul searching, have tried to be fair to everyone, have forgiven him, and have been struggling with what to do. when asked the "What would you do if you had a million dollars?" question, my reply was, "Leave". I don't really have any financial dependence on my H and am not afraid of being alone, so why haven't I? I guess it just seems so final after all the good we've shared.<P>Well, today I have made up my mind to let it all go. I told him two days ago what I needed him to do. He hasn't moved an inch. He's still playing the stalling game.<P>In trying to be realistic instead of emotional, I gave him the "can he change?" test.<P>* His underlying attitudes seem to be that he is a sex addict. (I think that is a cop out for those who don't want to be responsible. He went years without straying. strike one)<P>* Does he have a history of deception? In the past I would have said no, but he kept this a secret for a year, so that answer is Yes. (strike two)<P>* Does he have the ability to communicate openly? He didn't volunteer anything and only admitted things when confronted with evidence. He has made tiny steps towards honesty recently though. (strike 2 1/2)<P>* Does he have the ability to hear and empathize with my pain? No. He combats my pain with excuses for why he overlooked it or acted despite it. (strike 3 1/2)<P>* Does he have a willingness to probe the meaning of the affair and take his share of responsibility for it? No. He wants to avoid the "why" so that I can have the blame. He can admit it now and says he's sorry, but I am not convinced that he wouldn't chose adultery again. (strike 4 1/2)<P>* Does he value the relationship and is he really committed to it?<BR>He's done a lot to manipulate me into staying into this area, so I'd say he values the relationship for some reason. Is he committed to it? He vacillates like crazy!<BR>(strike 5)<P>* Do we share a bond outside of financial, legal, and obligatory things? Right now, I'd say all bonds are fractured. (strike 6)<P>* Is he willing to change. Well, this is a big yes. He isn't doing it at my speed, but he is taking small steps.<P>* Does he value monogamy even if he doesn't practice it? Another big yes, but for self-preservation. I know he'd never leave me for another woman because he could never respect a woman who was with a MM. He should get only half a point for that. (strike 6 1/2)<P>* Is he capable of admitting his is wrong. Yes.<P>* Is he willing to listen to me? Yes, but that is a recent development.<P>* Is he able to communicate with me or is he willing to learn how? Yes.<P>* Is he a chronic liar? I didn't think so for 7 years, but the last year has destroyed that notion. (strike 7 1/2)<P>* Is he willing to give up his lover? Yes, already has without any confrontation from me.<P>* Does he have enough control over his impulses to give up immediate gratification in favor of long term goals? Probably not.<BR>(strike 8 1/2)<P>So, he got 8 1/2 out of 15. Not good odds, eh? <P>I wonder if I am being unfair because he isn't as far along in the healing process as I am? (I started doing the counseling thing after we separated. he just started, so I have a six month jump on him). <P>I know I don't have any respect for him. It makes me sad, but I feel liberated too. he said I should have known how he felt and should have seen what he was doing because he wasn't hiding it too well. That is true. I can see it now, but then I was seeing him through love and hope. With the glasses off, he doesn't look that good.<P>I need change now. He wants back in, but right now when things are crazy. I don't want what we had. I am afraid that is what will happen. I don't see *that much* hope for change. <P>Anybody out there that has been through this who can share their experience?

I know how difficult this is. I have been married 16 years and when I filed for divorce I actually felt sick. It wasn't like I woke up one morning and said, "I think I'll file for divorce today." I knew in my heart that I had done everything I could do, but I also realized that I couldn't do it by myself. I just came to the realization that I was tired of being miserable, unhappy, and trying to make the marriage something it never was going to be. After the papers were filed, my H delivered an utimatum...either I stop it or he was going to declare war on me. You see, for 15 years I always did what he wanted when he wanted. I thought that is what a good wife did. NOT. The past six months I have turned into the person I use to be. I did not stop it and told him I would not unless he stopped trying to control me and treat me with respect not as property. I put everything in this marriage, and more then anything I wish there was some common ground to work from. There is not. Every time we leave the counselor I am more positive that what I am doing is the right thing. He still views me as property. He blames all of our problems on me and my harmones. Anyway, at this point I don't feel any love for this man. I wish I could, but I am just so tired of living like this, of dealing with the emotional backlash this whole situation has caused. I am angry with him for involving our children in this battle, for announcing to every person we know that I had an EA...for not allowing me any privacy, for not respecting me as a person to heal. Even though he has been served, he still acts like we are the happy couple. I have asked him to please leave me be, and he won't. <P>At 40, I never ever wanted to be in this place. I work, but I don't make enough to support myself and children...so I am embarking on unchartered ground, but the other choice is to stay in this mess. <P>Hopefully, things will work out for you. I hope so. Hang in there.<P>

Popeye:<P>It's too soon to tell whether or not your marraige is over, don't you think? I know bailing out seems like the thing to do if you use your quiz as the standard. I hope you aren't just in a frame of mind conducive to ending the marriage and I hope you'll give it a little more time just so that you know that this is truly what is in your best interests.<P>You are so level headed and pragmatic and I know you won't act on impulse and will weight the options carefully.<P>I would just hate to see you go ahead with something that may not be right for you, unless of course, you truly believe that you have given it your best shot.<P>Personally, I have gone through the paces myself and often question whether or not all this angst is worth it many times. Some days it is and some days it isn't. Today I am glad I stayed --two weeks ago I was ready to file. Until my emotions and judgment are more stable I am going to coast and work on this until I am sure one way or the other.<P>We are in a good place here on the forum. We gather a lot of insight from each other and our experiences to help us make a better decision. I truly appreciate your sound advice and your perspective. <P>For what it's worth, early in our recovery, my spouse displayed many of the characteristics you described. He's better now, much better and so is the marriage. I ain't so hot, but then, that's another story.<P>Blessings<P>Catnip =^^=