From the "How Come?" department:
<p>If a wife's #1 need is for affection, should she expect her husband to show her affection every day? Several times a day? Of course! And a smart husband would make those 'love bank deposits' whenever possible. If he doesn't, she will naturally feel deprived, and eventually resentful. If it continues, she'll want to seek affection from other sources--some ethical, some not.
<p>Well, what about a man's #1 need--sexual fulfillment? Should he expect his wife to fulfill this need, every day? If not, WHY not?
<p>I bring this up because, in reading these forums, it seems that if a husband desires sex every day, and becomes resentful if denied, he is usually villified as some kind of sex maniac. Whereas an similar desire/response of a wife in regards to her #1 need is expected, and even encouraged! And if a husband's #1 need is so strong that he needs a daily sexual release, and his wife can't/won't meet that need, he is going to be especially frustrated, because he has no ETHICAL alternatives. ...Well, maybe one poor substitute, but even THAT is frowned upon.
<p>And no, I don't pressure my wife every day for sex. I've long since learned the futility of that. (Sex every 3 months would be a nice improvement, though.)
<p>Ooops, sorry. A little bitterness showed through there, I think.
<br>- Doug
<br>

Doug,
<p>Personally I wouldn't want sex every day. It takes away from it in my opinion. After a few days have gone by i'm ready to put everything into it and the desire is high.
<br>I don't think you can equate giving affection with sex. Affection can be shown in many small ways that take little time or energy. One can easily fill a love bank with them. If you have kids sex has to be planned for, and sometimes they can prevent you from having it.
<br>If the wife works as well as the husband then sometimes the energy levels aren't there. Since for the woman sex is enhanced by the mood preceeding the act and the atmosphere that can be sabotaged by an argument, kids, a bad day, etc.
<br>I also think that if a man has a need for sex every day that it is an abnormal need being pumped up by something out of priority. I don't think the importance of fulfilling needs includes fulfilling needs that have for some reason become obsessive. A need like that would, I believe, denote selfishness at its root, and selfishness has an insatiable appetite. Who can be expected to deal with that?
<br>But sex at least every three months? Not only would I be bitter, I'd be downright comatose.
<p>But

Doug,
<p>For some reason my previous post was cut short. But I was going to say that if I was getting sex only about every 3 months I would not only be bitter, I'd be comatose.

Doug,
<p>
<br>In response to yours, I think you are mixing affection with sex. I love affection....and sex but my husband also mixed the two up. Affection can be shown to a man or a woman in many ways, a touch, a kiss, a hug, holding hands or just plain holding each other as you fall asleep. In my case I stop responding to even the affectionate moves because I only received them when sex was expected to follow. I agree with Bruce that waiting three months is a bit much but so is expecting it every nite. That I would think is no longer a 'need' but a compulsion. We all have needs but that doesn't mean that everyone of them will be fulfilled every time...there is a point of compromise. From a personal standpoint I wouldn't want to have sex every nite either....it would kind of lose its appeal and I would become resentful. I also work fulltime take care of a house and a child and damn there are some nites I just want to go to sleep. Affection on the other hand can be something so small or any of those listed above....such as doing something for the other person to help them out with asking for it to be done....a call at work to just say hello...
<p>So try to separate the two....and if your wife's #1 need is affection each day ask her to clarify what that means to her, I think you are pretty clear on what you need and I don't think I could go along with that either but maybe she just needs to know that you are there....a kiss without strings attached. She may be resenting your touch because she equates your touch with your need for sex and cannot comfortably fulfill that need.
<p>Kathy

Thanks Kathy and Bruce, for your responses.
<p>I was just trying to point out that, if a husband desires sex every day, that of itself is NOT some kind of perversion, IMHO. Now, insisting on it everyday when his wife is obviously reluctant--yeah, we're talking big-time SELFISH (or worse)!
<p>Like you Bruce, I wouldn't want sex everyday, either. In fact, even if we BOTH wanted it, I'm not sure I could maintain that kind of pace! (Hey, I'm not 20 anymore!)
<br>What I WOULD like is some occasional affection or passion or at least a sign that living with me is not some bleak, life sentence.
<p>For about 6 years, my wife has had chronic (sometime severe) back and muscle pain, and the succession of doctors we've seen have not helped much. She's also on medicine to treat depression. During this time, she's become very unhappy living with me, and with living in general. I'm not sure what to do, but I feel our marriage is adrift, and I don't like the way the current's taking us.
<p>Doug

Doug
<br>I dont know if you are still checking for new responses here. I have been away for a few days and now I'd like to take a stab at it. If you look way back to early Oct. I posted one called a" mans need for sex". If you read it you'll see that I was asking very similar questions.
<br>Now I have to comment on this one. My basic premis was why is that need different from all the other needs (not just affection) Lets look at the gist of the responses. Affection is so easy and can be given in so many different forms at any time and sex on the other hand takes so much effort. Picture this, the man in a one income family is carrying the financial responsibility etc. on his shoulders and sometimes working a high stress job. Is it not valid to suggest that on some days when he comes home it IS an effort to be affectionate. The answer to this that came from His Needs, Her Needs is that he should do it even if it is "acting" and that the "acting" will become habit and the love bank will be filled routinely. I still maintain that there should be no difference between that and sex. For people to suggest that you are compulsive and selfish is dead wrong, its between you and your spouse to find balance. Almost all men want it often. Bruce, you sound so perfect in the things you say that it is inconcievable why any woman would leave you. I would recommend you to my wife if she were looking, you are no doubt the perfect man, sensitive, giving, wise, seeing all issues from the W point of view and quick to point out the problems the rest of us insensitives have.
<br>As for selfish, lets look at the rest of the top ten list.
<br>A good looking spouse, ...sounds shallow and selfish
<br>A financially better off than your father spouse.....wow how selfish
<br>Conversation...could be selfish if the other person doesnt feel like talking
<br>Recreational companion...if my wife doesnt like to do what I do....very selfish
<br>Doug, if in fact you are waiting 3 months obviously there is more to this than any of us know and I hope and pray you work it out before you feel the tug of temptation. Just dont give in. But at the same time, I totally agree with your original analysis.

JKelly, I started a thread about a book I read recently and would like your input. Have you read "What Men Don't Want Women to Know" by Smith and Doe? If so, please stop by the thread and comment. Thanks.

JKelly: Thanks for you response! I think you're right on target! (Well, you WERE a little hard on Bruce--I appreciate his views, too!)
<p>As I said above, I don't think I would need sex everyday to be fulfilled. But it galls me that a husband who did, would have his need dismissed as a 'perversion'. No one is dismissing a wife's daily need for affection. Or daily need for communication. Or daily need for honesty. C'mon! Fair is fair!
<p>Actually, this whole 'sex every day' thing is such a foreign concept to me as to be laughable, except that it isn't funny. After my last rejected 'overture', my wife said "Why do we have to have sex? Why can't we just BE?" How do I respond to that? "Why do we have to eat?" "Why do we have to breathe?"
<p>You know, I was brought up to think that men who strayed on their wives were just scum! How could they do such a hurtful and immoral thing? Now... well, I'm starting to understand what they felt when they were tempted. I'm not really close to THAT edge, and I don't want to get closer. (I've seen the wholesale destruction that lies below!) But DAMMIT! Once in a while, I need to be treated like, and valued as, a MAN!
<p>Doug

Doug,
<p>Quit your whining. I'm going on 22 months! I'm hoping that after the baby is born we'll be able to start 'recovering' in that area as well, but it'll put it at 2 years +.
<p>And I agree: it is funny, and very sad. I wish that I had figured this issue out completely, but I'll just keep beating my head against it.
<p>Woops, sorry... :-)

JKelly,
<p>I sound so perfect that it is inconceivable why any woman would leave me. I have to tell you that I got a good laugh out of that one.
<br>I can see how it could come off that way. But I believe I've also taken pains to point out the seeming incongruity between the things I'm saying and the fact that my own marriage is in trouble. I've also pointed out that much of this I've learned since it's been in trouble.
<br>You should remember that there is no way anyone can really tell a lot about another person writing on this forum strictly from these posts. Of necessity they have to be short and talk about things pertaining to marriage. It should go without saying that, realistically speaking, you would see defects in me if you were around me long enough. That I don't deny.
<br>But the things I say are things I believe and try to practice. If there is anything I hate it's the image of the sensitive 90's male, a creature who's generally minus a backbone.
<br>Yet sensitivity and real manhood can and should co-exist. You might say, physician heal thyself. And you'd be right. That's what I'm trying to do. Believe me, there's no perfection involved.

K:
<p>22 MONTHS!!!??? Now THAT would be coma-inducing! (Right, Bruce?)
<p>I am both humbled, and honored to present you with the 1998 Cold Shower Award, a.k.a. the "Coldie". Here's to hoping you never win the award again!!!
<p>Doug

Well, as I accept this award, I'd all like you to notice my massive forearm...
<p>Amen on never winning it again.

Doug,
<p>Yes, 22 months is above and beyond the call of duty. He's a better man than I am. I think by that time I'd have a room reserved at the nearest psychiatric ward with drool resistant clothing provided.
<p>K,
<p>As I thought of your massive forearm I had to get up from my computer here at work and go to the restroom where my laughter could be unrestrained. Thanks.

Bruce,
<br>I apologize for my outburst, I am really responding to the consistent tone about this one topic. I know Im in a small group on this forum who see this problem as real but I hold this belief firmly. I then see you posting on every thread and getting glowing reviews from the W's here and my irritation over this issue got the best of me. Im sorry and I hope you have a good day.

JKelly,
<p>No problem. I've just been posting to keep from going nuts myself. Whatever "glowing reviews" I may get, I can't forget that unless I can get one from my wife it doesn't much matter to me.