It seems that this thing called divorce never really ends!!<P>I just got another example (and I have gotten so many since ex-H left me for his OW)of why I am fortunate to be rid of him, and what kind of person he really is. There must be some force at work somewhere as I find these things out by chance and through other people. But it has been a blessing that has opened my eyes, and made it easier to finally let go of the man I had loved for almost 20 years.<P>A good friend had the occasion to speak briefly on the phone to my ex-H (her H sometimes talks to him) and she innocently asked him how he was. The first thing out of his mouth was "I am very happy - no regrets at all!!" Why did he feel the need to qualify his response with that, when a "Just Fine" would have sufficed? Was he hoping it would get back to me and be just one more dig? Actually, it made me realize just what a pathetic person he has become. He lies, cheats, trashes his marriage vows, and causes a great deal of pain to the person he spent half his life with, and he can seriously say he has no regrets? He is beyond self-righteous and cruel. Apparently the fantasy is still in full swing (four years since he started the affair) - it shows no signs of weakening. Or is he just saying that because he cannot admit that after all he gave up, he may have a little regret and may have made a mistake?<P>It is such a terrible thing to realize that the man I spent half my life with is this shallow, self-righteous and cruel. I can't help but wonder, was he always like this or potentially like this and I just couldn't see it? (being blinded by love, of course). Or do people really change so drastically at mid-life? I guess as long as both parties have an equal stake in continuing the fantasy, it will continue. Can a relationship born of lying and cheating and at someone else's expense really survive long term? I would hate to think so, and that doing the right things counts for nothing. Of course, I will not let this change my behavior or values. But it is disheartening!!! <P>Has anyone else whose spouse left and married the OP seen it last long term? Any random thoughts on the subject? Thanks!!!

Lady M - <P>I sort of had a similar question recently. I got a response from "Delphi" that said that by now, (it's been 1 1/2 years since my stbx left me for the OW) they are well past "fantasy". They are living their lives happily, without any "regrets". My stbx visibly appears happier and healthier than he did during at least the past 5 years of our marriage. Pretty sad, huh?<P>I guess at this point I can continue to always question the whys, and what ifs, and all those nagging questions I want answers to or I can accept that this is what my reality is, and move on from here.<P>I wanted you to know I genuinely understand how you feel. I too was married for 17 years and never expected him to leave me or an intact family.<P>

I'm right there with you too! I could relate to everything you said.<P>I keep hearing that this thing he has with the other women won't last but I know sometimes they do. I keep hoping to hear it is over but no such luck yet. <P>We are now divorced. It only took 2 and 1/2 months. Very fast. I decided to go ahead an agree because I didn't think I could ever trust him again, knew he didn't want to come back and felt maybe it was for the best.<P>But, I still want to hear that it didn't work out with the OW. For some reason, I think I could handle any additional relationships he has but I want the one that split up our marriage to be over with. I have a sinking feeling that he will end up marrying her and that just kills me. He is 39 and she is under 25. Uggh! I am 36 with two girls and we were together 18 yrs and married 13. Everyone tells me it won't work, but it might!!!!

While the fantasy may or may not be over for our x's, they may now be in the "honeymoon" phase. Remember how your/mine first year or two of marriage went, Everything was pretty smooth right. <P>All the statistics I have seen says these marraige won't last. I believe its in Harleys SAA book thats says only 3-5% of the betrayers marry the op.<P>I also heard statistics that there is only a 25% chance of second marriage working after 5 yrs. And that was for all second marriages, not necessarily those arising out of an affair so the odds aren't good either way.<P><BR>I can understand how you feel as I feel the same way a lot of times. But I am trying and succeding in not even thinking about my x being happy. I no longer have anything to do with it so what is the use worrying about it.<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Thank you all for your replies.<P>Tired Lady - In my case, I am the one who is looking better these days!!! I lost 40 lbs. (which I heard that OW found!!) and look ten years younger. My asthma has abated, and I finally have my acid reflux disease under control. Still, I can't help but be sad that my marriage was taken away. I feel that he never really gave it a chance - he told me that he had wanted to leave me since 1985-86 timeframe. But he continued to pretend and lied when he said he still loved me, while not really treating me right. I was being gaslighted. He stayed for convenience sake, and treated me nicely whenever he sensed that I was really unhappy. Just enough to give me hope that everything might be all right again. He did not fully participate in the marriage, but did not express his unhappiness or take any steps to improve things or be honest with me. He waited until he found someone he considered "more suitable" and with whom he could get a "better deal" with before he dumped me. Nice guy, eh??<P>711 - I can't believe your divorce went so quickly - barely time enough for it all to barely sink in. You're right - you can never trust them again, unless they admit they were wrong, break it off with OW quickly (no going back and forth), and are sincerely sorry for the hurt they have caused. My H is so self-righteous it is unbelievable. I think he is in denial. I, too, could wish him well if he found someone else besides OW. His marriage to OW is at my expense, something that is not right. If you end your marriage honestly and cleanly, with both parties agreeing that there is no other option (after trying everything to save it), that is one thing. But to lie and cheat and dump your spouse for someone else without giving your marriage a fair chance is not only wrong, but stupid and foolish. Even if it (his marriage to OW) works out, that doesn't make what he did right. But that's how he sees it. As long as it works out and he's happy, he has no regrets and thinks he was justified and made the right decision. However, if it falls apart, watch how fast he claims that it was all a big mistake. Funny how the outcome is the only thing that matters. I, too, anticipate the failure of his marriage to OW. I am not putting my life on hold, or holding my breath, not do I wish to get back together. As far as I am concerned, the man I loved and married is dead. Someone else now inhabits his body. But if he does try to come back after it fails, I admit I will take great pleasure in telling him "NO WAY!!!" "WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!", or words to that effect!!<P>RWD - I have also read similiar statistics in Frank Pittman's book "Private Lies", in which he says much the same thing. So I only have to wait about five years?!?! I admit to wanting their marriage to fail, and to have some vidication. Also, it would be nice to get a sincere apology from him, which I know will never happen. It would be nice just to hear him admit that he made a mistake by lying and cheating, and that he regrets doing such cruel things to someone who did nothing but love him and try to make the marriage work. And that he not only betrayed me, but betrayed his own sense of decency and honor, as well. Boy, am I getting carried away. Somebody wake me, I'm dreaming again!!!!

Lady M<P>I loved your reply. I just can't wait for it to be over for him. I have been going to divorce support groups and finding out that other men are actually attracted to me. That has made it a lot easier to get over the Ex. I think he sees this now and is wondering if he made a mistake. I hope it all crashes in on him and I can say "SORRY, It's too late now. Sounds like the anger is talking again. But, I must admit I am enjoying this a little. Revenge is sweet. Ok, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it happens and you just have to go with it. I can be really nice and sweet too. But, right now, I just want him to get what is coming to him. <P>RWD:<P>I love all your replies. I don't know how you keep up with all the different posts but you are always there answering everyone. You have such great advice. Thanks for replying to all my vents and posts. Your messages are great and really hit home.