I would like some male advice (honest advice) as to why my husband has been reading porno materials (and I'm not sure what else). It's not that there was one or two lying around. I found at least 10 magazines within a 3 month period. The first time I found one, I asked him to please not bring that type of thing home, and I told him it hurt my feelings. I did not understand and still don't understand why he was buying this and hiding it from me. We have been married 4 years. We have two children (and one on the way). I always thought we had a great sex life. I have never been timid or "uptight" about sex, as a matter of fact, I love making love to my husband. I am not unattractive. I am in shape and for having two children, I think I look pretty great. However, I am not "well endowed" like the women he likes to look at. I never thought that was important, but now I am becoming extremely obsessive about it. Also, when my husband and I go anywhere, he has a "wandering eye." He is always looking at other women. I understand that it is normal for people to want to look at something beautiful, etc. . . but this is ridiculous! We can't even watch television without him switching and stopping on a channel with some babe in scantily clad attire. He really loves to see women dressed, shall we say, "extremely sleezy." I am not at all like that. I am very down to earth and prefer to be comfortable. I want to be loved for who I am rather than what I look like. What can I do to get him to stop this behavior? Or can't I do anything? He tells me he loves me. I am scared to death that I will lose him to someone else. Someone completely opposite of me. I can't change who I am. I like who I am. Come on guys, be honest with me. Am I doing something wrong here?
<p>KS

KS,
<p>You are doing nothing wrong. Your husband is in the wrong. Once a man starts looking at porno it is just like a drug. He can be having a great sex life with you but porno stimulates him to go into sexual hyperdrive, so to speak.
<br>Years ago my father-in-law got a satellite dish. This was before they scrambled all the channels and made you pay subscription. We were there over the holiday and I was up late by myself. I started skipping through all these channels hoping to find a good movie.
<br>Well, in complete ignorance I stumbled onto the American tripple xxxtasy channel. Suffice it to say that everything I saw was as raw and uncensored as it could be. At first I just sat there with my jaw dropped open. I couldn't believe I was seeing it.
<br>Disbelief very soon gave way to arousal. Next thing I new I was waking my wife up for sex. Then I went back out and watched the stuff until 5 or 6 in the morning. Some weeks later my wife was telling me that her mother told her that her father was getting up in the middle of the night like some Stepford wife to watch this stuff.
<br>This is one reason why I've never allowed pay tv in my home. I don't want the temptation. As it is I've seen some of the sites on the Internet and I had to make an effort of will to avoid them afterwards.
<br>Porno is the mental cocaine of the male species. You should not belittle yourself in any way. No one can measure up to the false standards of exstasy put forth in that crap. Your husband needs to cut that stuff loose and be happy with what he has.

KS,
<p> I agree that Bruce is correct when he calls pornography the "mental cocaine of the male [of the] species". However, I know there's more to it than that.
<p>When a "man" is young, he may look to pornography out of curiousity. To "learn" what all the older boys are talking about. A very poor way to "learn" about sex, granted, but one that (he thinks) answers that questions that parents or school won't address.
<p>As a young man, I was fairly naive. I was virgin until I met my only wife at 23 years old. (We were both each other's first sexual experience.) At that point and for years after, I never sought out pornography. (seeing some here and there is unavoidable - look at the side of a city bus!) Initially I was happy with our sex life.
<p>As the years went by (10 or 15) I started feeling more and more unsatisfied with our sex life. My pleas fell on deaf ears. My wife said I was "oversexed" and it was "my problem". Every time I would see a halfway good-looking woman, it would remind me of how unhappy I was. At that point I did seek out pornography. I think that I had the feeling that it would satisfy my needs. Obviously, it didn't.
<p>As Bruce also says, you shouldn't blame yourself, but have you had an honest talk with your H to see if HE is satisfied with your sex life? (Not just that question, of course, but a real, honest conversation.) Are you meeting his need for sex as YOU percieve it? (or as he percieves it?) It's a two-way street though. He should be the one meeting all of your emotional needs.
<p>Maybe your husband needs therapy to "kick the porn habit" (Bruce, opinion?) I don't know about that.
<p>I do know that just honest communication can make a big difference. I hope you check out the rest of this web site and find something you both can use to heal the hurt you have experienced - and possibly hurt that your husband has not admitted to you.
<p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

Val,
<p>Glad you kicked in your view there. I know I was being a tad one sided and I'm glad you brought out the rest. I just didn't want her to feel guilty about something she probably didn't have to.
<br>Do I think her husband needs therapy? Don't know. It seems like everybody needs therapy these days for things people used to know they should simply stop doing. And they would stop doing it if there was something they wanted worse than the bad habit they're grasping now. That's how I quit smoking when I was 18. Porno is the domain of a self-centered individual. If he broadend his concerns to be of real service to others, especially his wife, it would move porno out of the picture. There wouldn't be room for it. As it is people have lost sight of the simplicity of that, therefore they see therapy as the only option. And I'm sure all those mental health practioners and counselors appreciate it all the way to the bank. Just my opinion.

Val,
<p>Glad you kicked in your view there. I know I was being a tad one sided and I'm glad you brought out the rest. I just didn't want her to feel guilty about something she probably didn't have to.
<br>Do I think her husband needs therapy? Don't know. It seems like everybody needs therapy these days for things people used to know they should simply stop doing. And they would stop doing it if there was something they wanted worse than the bad habit they're grasping now. That's how I quit smoking when I was 18. Porno is the domain of a self-centered individual. If he broadend his concerns to be of real service to others, especially his wife, it would move porno out of the picture. There wouldn't be room for it. As it is people have lost sight of the simplicity of that, therefore they see therapy as the only option. And I'm sure all those mental health practitioners and counselors appreciate it all the way to the bank. Just my opinion.

I never thought there was a lot wrong with porn. In fact, my wife and I even watched some together. Luckily, she is twice as attractive as anything we ever saw in those things. But it IS wrong! It takes the intimacy out of sex. There IS a difference between making and having sex, and no one in a porno is ever making love. The thing that turned me against it completely was something I heard Dr Laura say...that's someone's daughter, mother, or maybe even wife you are seeing. Having 2 daughters of my own, that really put it in perspective. My wife and I are divorcing, and it has been tempting, since it has been 8 months since we have been intimate. Porn would only make it easier for me to have a mental picture of her with someone else, and I really don't need that. Hope this helps.
<br> Ryan

Thanks guys! I appreciate your honesty and frankness. I do love my husband. I waited a long time to meet my "prince." I guess I just became frightened because I thought that he was perfect and I realized he is not. I felt betrayed because I could not understand why he would want to see other women without their clothes on. I took it personally, and perhaps is was not a "personal" thing against me at all. Thanks for the insight. Ryan, I am very sad to hear that you are divorcing. I hope God sees you through and you gain strength from your own self love.
<p>Once again, thank you for your responses.
<p>KS

Deleted a post that the system stuck in the wrong place - Val<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

Val, I was glad to see your viewpoint!
<p>I suppose that Bruce is partly right: pornography CAN be like sexual cocaine to a man who already has a regular sex life. (Can't personally vouch for that one, tho'.) But to a man who is starving, 'soft' porn is more like sexual Cheetos -- no nutritional value, but it helps take away the hunger pangs briefly.
<p>This bothers me, 'cause I've always felt that even 'soft' porn was fundamentally wrong, partly because it paints such an unreal picture of women. But sometimes, 'unreal' is all you can hope for.
<p>Doug <p>[This message has been edited by Doug.]

Somehow, this got stuck here - look farther down! (val)<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

KS:
<p>What type of Porn is he looking at? Is it simply nudey magazines are hard core sex magazines?
<p>Have you asked him why he looks at it? Have you asked him if he's dissatisfied with your sex life? Your appearance? If you haven't, do so.
<p>Actually, I'm quite shocked at the responses I see here! What is wrong with looking at a nudey magazine? Noticing a beautiful woman?
<p>My husband and I look at the Playboy magazine together. Playboy sends their videos whenever we renew our subscription. While, I've never watched them. i know my husband does on occassions. I know he masturbates to them! Does that say anything about his interest in me? Our sex life? No. Most psychologists will state this as well.
<p>Now there, is a line - porno chat and hard core porn everywhere, is probably a sign of soemthing wrong, but playboy - which is considered porno, is not a concern.
<p>Now, you said, KS, that your husband should accept you as you are. Did you read any of Dr. Harley's books? He says (and I totally agree) that you are too dress for your husband. You should be comfortable with it, but especially in regards to night wear, you should be pleasing him - he's the one who needs to see it. Reread this section if you have forgotten about it!
<p>A man's interest in the female body does not mean that something is missing in a relationship! A man liking to look at sexy women does not mean he wants to wander outside the marriage! Where in the world did people come up with that! Honestly, doesn't a psychologist ever check these sites!
<p>Melissa

Nah, Cheetos are better!
<p>What I mean is that you (I) THINK porn will somehow satisfy your unmet needs, but in reality, it just makes it worse.
<p>KS - I didn't mean to give you the impression that porn is something to be taken lightly or ignored. (If I did give that impression.) I just meant that it could be a "sign" of your husband looking for something "more".
<p>How's that for not-much-help!
<p>Val

KS I understand what you are going through I have the same problem here. But its not just the magaizines its the porno on the net as well. I told him I didnt like it but he does it when IM asleep or im gone he says all men do it. I think there is somthing wrong with me. I love sex and I try new things all the time. NAd he says he loves me as well but if this is true why must he go to these sites all the tim and look at these women? Ill never understand my husband at all. He says its in a mans bllod to look at nude women if they didnt the would be quiere or would have founbd another. He also looks at other women and even gives them compliments in front of me. I cant handle it anymore I ahve lost it I fell as though Im nothing anymore its liek im here when he needs me and thats it!

Miya,
<p>There is nothing wrong with you for not liking this. I don't care what anybody says your husband is WRONG, and his remarks about all men doing this is a line of bull and all he's doing is justifying himself.
<br>To give other women compliments in front of you as very disrespectful, and frankly I think a guy like that needs his butt kicked, to phrase it as mildly as I can.
<br>I don't know what all is going on in your marriage and I'm not saying whatever problems you may be having are all his fault. Since two people are involved there is usually something both are contributing in some degree or another. But what your husband ssys to justify his porn habit is simply not true and I would not, if I were you, leave him any refuge to think I bought that crap.

Miya:
<p>Thanks for responding. I'm sorry to hear that you are being treated that way. As far as I know, my husband quit looking at these magazines. But like I said, "as far as I know." Part of me does not want to know because it does hurt. It hurts my heart. I know how you feel; however, I have to agree with Bruce. Your husband is being extremely insensitive! True, men do (most men, Bruce) like to "look," but I believe out of respect for their wives, they need to be a little more discreet. How different men and women are. Wouldn't it be wonderful if each sex could truly understand that there is a difference and one can not force the other to have the same needs and same wants as he/she does. I feel awful for you. You know what? There is NOTHING wrong with you! Read Bruce's replies to me. Actually, all of the replies I have received gave me insight. Please try not to take his habit as meaning you are not attractive, or you are not good enough for him. He is being selfish. Like the other guys told me, pornography is a temporary fix (be it cocaine or cheetos!!!)
<p>

KS,
<p>I agree with you that most men do look. I look. When I see a beautiful woman I can't help but notice it. The point is what do I do from there?
<br>Even if I am by myself I do not do a 180 if a woman walks by or slow my car down if I see one on the street. Do I ever have the impulse to do so? Yes, I do. But I have learned, and am still learning, that what you do when no one is looking is just as important as what you do when people are looking. In fact it's probably more important because if you do a lot of things in private that you won't do in public or in front of your spouse then you're leading a schizoid life.
<br>When I am with my wife she deserves my utmost respect. When I am not with my wife she deserves my utmost respect. That's the controlling factor for me, not to mention what Scripture says.
<br>All this from a guy who's having the marital problems I'm having. I know it seems like there might be some inconguity here. But this is my honest belief and my honest actions.

Bruce:
<p>I don't mean to make this sound like a bunch of bull, but, seriously . . . what a great man you are!!! I mean that with all sincerity. Your wife is very lucky to have you. I hope that whatever problems you are having in your marriage can be worked out. She seriously needs to take a look at what she has!!! By the way, are you a counselor? I ask because you give great advice and you sound extremely intelligent! Good luck to you and thanks for all your great advice to all of us.

KS,
<p>Gee, KS. Can I get you to call my wife and give me plug? No, I'm not a counselor. I'm a computer technician.
<br>Unfortunately some of what I've learned I've learned after the fact of my own marital screwups. My biggest hope now is that my wife wil give me the chance to show that I've really learned it.

KS,
<p>Gee, KS. Can I get you to call my wife and give me plug? No, I'm not a counselor. I'm a computer technician.
<br>Unfortunately some of what I've learned I've learned after the fact of my own marital screwups. My biggest hope now is that my wife will give me the chance to show that I've really learned it.

Val, you're right! Cheetos ARE better!
<p>Plus, they turn your hands, mouth and teeth a really sexy orange color! Wooo, wooo...! Drives my wife wild with lust!!! LOL!
<p>Doug
<br>