Hello everyone.<BR>I am having a hard time understanding what I am doing wrong. My wife has asked for a divorce because she is with another man. I have read "You love and Marriage", and I am trying to be supportive and loving. All it is doing is dividing us more. She thinks that all I am doing is trying to get her back. Now I am going through with "Plan B". I have accepted a job out of state. Now that she knows about it she seems to be even more withdrawn. She now does not even want to be friends. Some feel that she had her cake and was eating it too. With me still around she knew that she could come back if things did not work out. They are already fighting and they have only been together on the weekends for a month. Now that I am leaving she is almost forced to try and make it work with this other guy.<BR>Am I still doing something wrong? I have tried to let her know that I still love her and I am here. Why then is she so upset? Can anyone relate to my question? I am at the bottom of my options. I am willing to do anything reasonable to restore our family. She is the love of my life. She and I were best friends in high school 16 years ago. We got together 8 years ago, and we have been married for 6. I was not meeting her emotional needs at the time due to work. I was trying to make more money. I understand what I did wrong now, but is it just too late? Should I just leave? I am so lost. Please help! Thank you!

BSK, it's pretty common for one of the reactions to Plan A (being loving & supporting with no lovebusters) from the betraying spouse to withdraw. They may feel more guilty since they are treating you badly, but you're being loving. Or, it may be such a drastic change that they don't believe it is a behavior that you will keep up, if they do come back to you.<P>All I can tell you is that Plan A has an effect, even when you can't see it. How can you lose by loving someone? Being separated does not necessarily mean going to Plan B. Lots of us have done Plan A while separated, it is more difficult, your opportunites are more limited. Plan B means no contact between you and your spouse--and you are in effect leaving her to the OM and allowing the fantasy portions of that relationship to be exposed to real life.<P>You're in a tough spot. Read the materials here on the site, and get Dr. Harley's book SURVIVING THE AFFAIR.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Welcome <B>bsk</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Shortly after the beginning of the year... the "main" infidelity forum was divided into addition separate forums... <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<P>and new ones being added as needed...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=35&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pregnancy/Child</A>...when pregnancy/Other Children(OC) are introduced through affairs.<P>We are being asked to post to the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>You really need to be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... even though you are seperated... as Lor said.<P>Do get and read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>And stay around here...<P>You are not alone!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 12, 2000).]

bsk,<P>I know how defeated you must feel. The fact is you're doing alright. You Plan A'ed well enough so that her last impression of you is of a kind, caring and giving husband. It's just that she doesn't want you right now. She is "addicted" to the other man.<P>You mention that they are already fighting. Great news, don't you think? The reality of an intimate relationship is worlds apart from the fantasy of an affair. She seems to be finding that out by now. Plan B is a good idea for you now. Read the section on writing a good Plan B letter. It's important that you set the record on why you don't want to see her at all now. Post your letter here for comments, the people here can be a great help.<P>Hang in there and good luck,<BR>Kenneth<P>

BSK,<P>I am in the same boat as you, nearly to the T. I have given her a Plan B letter and she was pissed. She doesn't understand why she and I can't date while she is with OM. Told her I didn't want to. That was the hardest thing I did, but I felt good about it. I done the Plan A for 6 months like the Harley's say and did see great results. She is so addicted to OM that she can't see straight. By me out of the picture she can focus all her problems on him instead of me and him. She still tries to call and I ask her is this about our son? If not I hang up. It drives her crazy. Just relax and know that it won't work out for your wife and OM.

Thanks for the help everyone. It seems that all the work was for nothing. With just a couple of days to go before I leave we got into a fight. I tried so hard to not get into anything. I want her to remember the good "me". Now I don't know if there is any damage control before I leave. I called and talked things through, but the damage is done. I love her and have told her everyday, but I just don't know.