I’ve been lucking for a few months now, it has been very helpful it keeps me strong.<P>I’ve been Married 15 years. Together 20 years. Two children 11 and 12. H had an affair with co-worker. I will try and make this short...(ha) after the discovery of the affair, while he was home he never told me it was over. I was always wondering, are they out to lunch or out after work. After a year of living like this he was tired of it and left. Yes i was doing the begging, questioning everything. He could never give me answers. It was always “I don’t know”, “I can’t answer that”. He told me he didn’t feel the same way about me that he did 5 years ago, he said we grew apart. <P>He’s been gone for 15 months. He still sees the OW. They don’t live together. She was also married when the affair started. this being her second marriage. She is now divorced from her second husband. <P>He does take the kids every other weekend. and twice during the week.<BR>He did call me about 7 months ago and said I’m sorry for all the sh** i gave you. (meaning all the crap he put me through). I didn’t know what to say, (we’ll I did have a few things). After what felt like forever of silence, I said I don’t know what to say, I have no comment. He said that’s ok I didn’t expect you to I just want to let you know….then we said good-bye….why after almost 2 years is he calling to say he is sorry? <BR>Before that call to me. he would just wait outside when he was picking up the kids. Now he does come in the house. Fixes things that need fixing, or just hangs out at the house with the kids. Which they love! <BR>I have been doing things for myself. I do go out with friends. I do have a good time. I just can’t get over the fact that he left us. I know after 15 months of him not being here you would think I would get a clue. Family was everything to him at one time. I just want to scream. <BR>We are going through mediation for divorce now. something that I suggested and now wish I wouldn’t have. I don’t want this!<BR>Just last week I e-mailed him and apologized for the way I acted during the discovery. He replied to my e-mail with him saying he appreciated me sharing my feeling, something he had a hard time doing, he envy’s me for being able to share my feelings he stated that he doesn’t hate me never did, never will. he’s been through a whole bunch, learned a lot about himself……blah blah blah….then he said “don’t be pissed because he’s happy with who he’s with, but in the long run we had something special. <BR>So i'm thinking if it was special.....is it still special? <BR>Will they ever end their affair or has it turned into a relationship now? is that possible....an affair turning into a real relationship?<BR> <BR>So if anyone is still with me here, is there hope? <BR>

Sal,<P>It could take quite a while...<BR>It may take time after the divorce...<BR>It could take time even after re-marriage...<P>Check out <B>LooksGood</B>'s recent reply to <B>kuuipo</B> ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002878.html" TARGET=_blank>Successful reunion after affair?</A><P>Maybe he can give all of us on this forum some insights into a waiting plan?<P> <P>Jim

Sal,<P>Welcome to the MB forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. Its very similar to the rest of us here. <P>You never know what to expect when you lose your spouse. Things just are never quite the same. Its hard to believe they would leave. <P>He probably didn't answer your questions at the time, to protect you in some way, or maybe just because, he himself, truly didn't know.<P>We all struggle for answers. We all want to know what we did that was so wrong to cause our spouse to stray like they have. We certainly always feel we are to blame. In some cases, we are. In some cases, its something wrong within the betrayer. <P>In the end, some of us never really know why. Or we find out why and its too late. <P>It is possible, he started realizing what he did, and thats why he called to appologize. Maybe he was having problems with the OW, at the time he did that. When the spouse is having an affair, you can come up with a bunch of conclusions, but unless they tell you, it still won't help.<P>Try to be strong. If you truly feel you can forgive him, I guess my suggestion would be, divorced or not, continue to Plan A and get strength from those here who share your views on the aspect of saving, or rebuilding the marriage. <P>I myself, Plan A'd and it almost killed me. I had to walk away but my situation was much worse. My story is on the General Questions, and also under Just found out, somewhere out there. <P>I do believe its best in many cases to try and save the marriage. I myself, am happier with my new life, even though my divorce isn't final, I was able to get over the inital shock, grief and anger and support myself and our 3 daughters and do what was best at the time for the kids.<P>Prayers are with you and good luck, <BR>Dana<BR>